I'm a 21 years old bisexual woman and I'm a former cutter or self mutilator or whatever you want to call it. Did it starting at age eleven. I've done the whole therapy and meds thing and have been cut free for three years. I feel great about myself. However, I still have these scars that have made me reluctant to be intimate with people. I don't know how to bring it up. When, where, how do I explain myself?

Seeking Counsel And Remarks

Here's some advice from the archives for you, SCAR:

So let's say you show someone, SLASH—what's the worst that could happen? The guy will freak out, toss around some less than understanding words, and leave. But the guy who freaks and splits is doing you a favor. You wouldn't want to be with someone who couldn't handle it or would react so cruelly anyway, right? More important, only by risking telling/showing people are you ever going to learn that most straight guys are decent and any straight guy that likes you will be a great, big, understanding doll about your scars, SLASH.

And I do think most guys will be understanding about it. People have a way of forgiving and/or overlooking imperfections in people they're attracted to. Also, part of dating and mating is making yourself vulnerable to another human being, putting your trust in him, and showing him your literal and figurative scars. Any guy you show and tell will want some reassurance that you're not cutting yourself anymore, you've gotten some help, you're not made of glass, and that you're looking for a boyfriend, not a therapist. You can provide all that.

Good luck, SCAR. And one more letter...

I just wanted to thank you for my new sex life. I've been reading your column and listening to your podcast for a while now, and you always say that kinky girls are rare and sought-after and "wining the girlfriend lottery." So I decided to fully bring this up with my boyfriend the other day and he was thrilled. Now I'm getting tied up and bitten and spanked and calling him "sir," and I'm happier than I've been since I don't know when. Thank you so much! You're so awesome.

Suddenly Unusually Bubbly

My pleasure, SUB!