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News & ArtsTuesday, May 12, 2009
Savage Love Savage Love Letter of the Day
Posted by Dan Savage on Tue, May 12, 2009 at 2:48 PM
I very recently—a week and a half ago—split with my boyfriend of two years. He was my first love and we split out of recognition of incompatible ideals, rather than loss of love. I’m shamelessly ambitious and willing to put aside personal comforts for the sake of my career (i.e., get my butt kicked at work for almost no money or credit). He’s too proud and inflexible to work with others which has lead to dabbling in the retail of illicit substances. We split amicably and vowed to remain friends. Taking your advice—the speed with which you get over a person is directly proportional to the amount of other people’s spit you swallow—I immediately went out and picked up someone new. The ex has not done likewise. While I enjoyed fucking this new guy, and am going on a date with him in a couple of days, I have this soul draining feeling of guilt about what I’m doing. Is it too soon to be hooking up with someone else? Am I being fair on my ex, who is a really beautiful person? Am I being fair on the new guy by band-aiding him over the still-bleeding wound that is my break-up, especially given that it’s pretty unlikely I’ll want anything more than sex and giggles from him?All my friends who were fond of the ex think it’s too soon, while all those who weren’t are cheering me on. Is what I’m doing morally bankrupt and emotionally slutty?
Please help!
Overreacting Or Pretty Horrible?
PS: For the sake of details I'm 20 and live in a big city in Australia, so I can legally drink and have almost limitless access to hot boys.
So long as you've told the new guy that you just got out of a two-year relationship and that you may not want much more than sex and giggles from him—but, hey, who knows?—you're in the clear, OOPH. If sex and giggles aren't enough for him, if he's the sort who's only interested in sexing and giggling a girl with better long-term prospects, then he can move on.
As for your ex, OOPH, it's not really about what's fair. We all grieve failed relationships in our own way, OOPH, and your ex doesn't really have much incentive to stop moping—if he's moping (how do you know he's not banging all the hot girls in Australia?)—if you regard his unhappiness as a veto on your own. Date the new boy, fuck the new boy, don't rub the ex's nose in it, and send pictures.
1
Good advice!
I have a friend recently out a relationship and her ex will not stop emailing her to try and "reconcile" and when she tells him "no" he starts wailing like a 2 year old about what a crazy whore she is to all his friends. It makes her sad to know that these people are getting a bum impression of her, but the fact of the matter is that they are his friends and that is his warped way of healing.
People are weird.
Her ex is kinda nuts though ...
I have a friend recently out a relationship and her ex will not stop emailing her to try and "reconcile" and when she tells him "no" he starts wailing like a 2 year old about what a crazy whore she is to all his friends. It makes her sad to know that these people are getting a bum impression of her, but the fact of the matter is that they are his friends and that is his warped way of healing.
People are weird.
Her ex is kinda nuts though ...
3
"He’s too proud and inflexible to work with others which has lead to dabbling in the retail of illicit substances."
"Am I being fair on my ex, who is a really beautiful person?"
WTF?
Beautiful as in good looking or personaility when he's not strung out on pot.
Wake up bitch! You were dating a fucking pot-head drug addict. He is more likely to OD than turn into anything worth being with.
"Am I being fair on my ex, who is a really beautiful person?"
WTF?
Beautiful as in good looking or personaility when he's not strung out on pot.
Wake up bitch! You were dating a fucking pot-head drug addict. He is more likely to OD than turn into anything worth being with.
5
My ex and I broke up and started dating very soon after (thanks, Lovelab). It helped that we both started dating at the same time, even if it was quick. I imagine it might suck to be that guy. On the other hand she shouldn't go crazy worrying about her ex. She should just give him respect and not rub it in.
8
@3: are you fucking kidding me?
You don't get "strung out" on weed, and I don't think pothead means the same thing as drug addict.
Seriously, who hasn't sold pot in college? It doesn't actually make you a bad person.
You don't get "strung out" on weed, and I don't think pothead means the same thing as drug addict.
Seriously, who hasn't sold pot in college? It doesn't actually make you a bad person.
11
Sometimes you learn as much about your ex based on how they handle the breakup than you ever did while you were together. To bad you never see how good or bad this can go until it's over.
13
Hey, let's face it - there's no easy way to get over a breakup. It sounds like she's handling it better than can be expected, though. And as for the guy? Well, he doesn't count any more. That's why he's ex.
14
I hate letters like that. It only serves to remind me of the things I dislike most about the human race.
The bizarre letters are far preferrable.
The bizarre letters are far preferrable.
15
Wait, you want him to send pics (sexting) of him and his new lover to the ex?
Man, that is cruel.
Man, that is cruel.
18
@9, @17, I constantly wonder this as well. It seems a lot of the letters are vague about gender, and my guess is always the opposite of what Dan writes.
(I almost always think it's a gay boy, but the times I assume it's a lady, Dan writes it's a boy.)
Dan, do people fill out a form?
(I almost always think it's a gay boy, but the times I assume it's a lady, Dan writes it's a boy.)
Dan, do people fill out a form?
19
@ 13
In total agreement with you dude. He's not her problem anymore. He's the "ex" ... it sounds cruel and heartless, but the best thing that you can do for someone when you break up with them is to leave them alone. Let them get over it. "Worrying" about them (like verbally to them, you can worry about them, just don't talk to them about it) only makes them confused and makes them think you are fucking with them.
In total agreement with you dude. He's not her problem anymore. He's the "ex" ... it sounds cruel and heartless, but the best thing that you can do for someone when you break up with them is to leave them alone. Let them get over it. "Worrying" about them (like verbally to them, you can worry about them, just don't talk to them about it) only makes them confused and makes them think you are fucking with them.
26
It's the "send pictures" comment, Dan, that has the minions confused - can't see you enjoying those photos, but, hey, beautiful people are beautiful people, right?
28
@25: I thought that your references to the ex choosing or chasing 'hot girls' (in place of the letter writer) more than implied that it was a girl writing about her ex-boy.
Btw, I think Dan was asking for pics of "hot boys" that the writer claims that she has limited access to.
Btw, I think Dan was asking for pics of "hot boys" that the writer claims that she has limited access to.
30
@29: No problem, even lawyers need an assist from librarian-types from time to time.
Of course, it would have helped if I'd proofed my post @28 - should be "unlimited" not "limited".
Of course, it would have helped if I'd proofed my post @28 - should be "unlimited" not "limited".
32
"I’m shamelessly ambitious and willing to put aside personal comforts for the sake of my career (i.e., get my butt kicked at work for almost no money or credit)"
If this girl were writing from D.C. instead of Austrailia I'd be thinking "Republican intern".
If this girl were writing from D.C. instead of Austrailia I'd be thinking "Republican intern".
33
Eh ... this is one of those life is unfair to the sexes type moments.
Dan's advice is spot on, BUT it's kind of like ... oh well.
For some reason, it's much easier for emotionaly traumatized girls to get play than emotionaly traumatized guys. This is reality.
This is why distance and space is best for all parties. She should just keep doing what she is doing, and he should self medicate until either A) it just clicks or B) a drunken hook up just clicks
Dan's advice is spot on, BUT it's kind of like ... oh well.
For some reason, it's much easier for emotionaly traumatized girls to get play than emotionaly traumatized guys. This is reality.
This is why distance and space is best for all parties. She should just keep doing what she is doing, and he should self medicate until either A) it just clicks or B) a drunken hook up just clicks
34
I asked the new guy for pictures and he declined. Maybe the next one will be more pliable...
-OOPH
-OOPH
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