Slog
News & ArtsFriday, May 1, 2009
Snoutbreak Zombies Still Not Real
Posted by Bethany Jean Clement on Fri, May 1, 2009 at 8:53 AM
Several Slog/swine tippers have sent this fake-BBC story:
EU Quarantines London in Flu PanicThere has been a small outbreak of “zombism” in London due to mutation of the H1N1 virus into new strain: H1Z1.... After death, this virus is able to restart the heart of it’s [sic] victim for up to two hours after the initial demise of the person where the individual behaves in extremely violent ways from what is believe to be a combination of brain damage and a chemical released into blood during “resurrection.”
...The Netherlands confirms its first case of zombie swine flu, in a three-year-old boy recently returned from Mexico. After passing away early this morning, he rose from the dead and lunged at his mother.
It's not that impressive to shove your own haw-haw-HAW zombie story onto a BBC-lookalike page. It's not that funny to put up a legitimate-looking headline saying London's been quarantined by the European Union—not today—nor is it hi-LARIOUS to joke about a zombie flu. As we discussed back on April 1, if something seems believable—like London being quarantined, or this flu having the ability to reanimate the recently deceased*—it crosses the line from funny/"audacious"/whatever into different territory.
* Read the block quote again: Despite the giveaway of the typo, it sounds completely conceivable. Our world is just not that far away from science fiction—not far enough, not by a long shot. Dead people, with all due respect, please really, really do rest in peace.
1
It's a good social commentary, since people who eat animal corpses are responsible for 100% of the development of pig and bird flus at corpse harvesting centers. Are these people who eat corpses already zombies? Or something else "less than human," like sociopaths?
3
In what way is "London being quarantined" believable?
SIN, have you ever had cabeza, beef cheek? It's even more savory than brisket. Just unbelievably good when it's been stewed for a long time, and is falling apart and glistening with grease. They have it at most good taquerias these days. You should try it; it will change your mind about corpses.
SIN, have you ever had cabeza, beef cheek? It's even more savory than brisket. Just unbelievably good when it's been stewed for a long time, and is falling apart and glistening with grease. They have it at most good taquerias these days. You should try it; it will change your mind about corpses.
4
Bethany has no sense of humor. She needs to stop panicking and realize this is actually quite hilarious.
6
Yeah, this is totally awesome, Bethany. Sorry.
"If you feel yourself passing away, then notice your strength and vigor returning at an alarming rate, please attempt to restrain yourself to prevent infection and harm to others."
"If you feel yourself passing away, then notice your strength and vigor returning at an alarming rate, please attempt to restrain yourself to prevent infection and harm to others."
7
#3, I have read from anthropologiss visiting cannibalistic cultures that prepared human corpses are quite savory as well. Have you eaten human corpses? Clearly you have no moral qualms about killing people through your actions. Are you a real-life zombie?
9
@7 Humans > Animals. Why? Because we are humans and are the only thing capable of even thinking about such things. Well maybe some other primates can, but not much else.
10
@7: What is you take on your constant polluting and destruction of natural habitats? And your wholesale support of the continued degradation of the traditional lands of people wiped out by genocide? And your support of industries that kill thousands a year? And your use of computers, the technology of which often leads to the pollution of many regions when created?
You're just as much a murderer as any of us, your murder is just more quiet and measured. Hypocrite.
You're just as much a murderer as any of us, your murder is just more quiet and measured. Hypocrite.
11
Oh puh-leeeze! The only mouth-breathers who would believe swine flu causes zombies DESERVE to believe it!
12
This is clearly a joke. Sorry but I find the whole spoof hilarious.
Have you noticed how the people most concerned with swineflu are the media? They stand to benefit greatly from ongoing coverage of this imaginary pandemic.
Have you noticed how the people most concerned with swineflu are the media? They stand to benefit greatly from ongoing coverage of this imaginary pandemic.
13
humans are OMNIvores. we can and will eat everything it is possible to eat. we have for millenia.
if i hunt it down and kill it myself is it ok to eat?
if i hunt it down and kill it myself is it ok to eat?
15
#13, Humans have raped and murdered for millenia as well. Are you defending rape and murder?
Yes, it is okay if you hunt and kill it yourself (but please be sustainable). Wild animals do not cause pig or bird flus, and are not part of the 18% of global warming gases caused by corpse harvesting, or part of the nearly 100% of destroyed ecosystems (such as rainforests) caused by the need for corpse harvesting land.
#9, Agreed -- humans are the only animals that can think about their actions and change them. We have thought about the consumption of harvested corpses long enough, and we need to stop now. It is killing people and destroying our world.
Yes, it is okay if you hunt and kill it yourself (but please be sustainable). Wild animals do not cause pig or bird flus, and are not part of the 18% of global warming gases caused by corpse harvesting, or part of the nearly 100% of destroyed ecosystems (such as rainforests) caused by the need for corpse harvesting land.
#9, Agreed -- humans are the only animals that can think about their actions and change them. We have thought about the consumption of harvested corpses long enough, and we need to stop now. It is killing people and destroying our world.
17
The fake-BBC article got it wrong. Reanimation does not restart the heart; it has been observed repeatedly and in a variety of locations that zombies do not bleed when wounded.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Zombie_…
The symptoms occur in the following order. The timeline may be several hours off, depending on the number and location of the bites, and the size and resilience of the victim.
Hour 1- Pain and discoloration of the infected area. Immediate clotting of the wound.
Hour 5- Fever between 99 °F. and 103 °F. Chills, slight dementia, vomiting, and acute pain in the joints.
Hour 8- Numbing of extremities and infected area, increased fever from 103 °F to 106 °F. Increased dementia and loss of muscular coordination.
Hour 11- Paralysis in the lower body, overall numbness, and slowed heart rate.
Hour 16- Coma.
Hour 20- Cardiac arrest and cessation of brain activity.
Hour 23- Reanimation.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Zombie_…
18
I stand in the funny camp, but come on. There's not even a link to a "YOU'VE BEEN PUNK'D" page? Think of the easily manipulated Republican children, guys. Think of them.
21
Funny as hell. Posted immediately to my Facebook.
(BTW, reading Pride and Prejudice and Zombies right now and it's extraordinarily funny.)
(BTW, reading Pride and Prejudice and Zombies right now and it's extraordinarily funny.)
22
Agreed that this is indeed awesome and will be posted to my Facebook as soon as I'm done here.
I can only conclude that your insistence that this is offensive is a joke.
I can only conclude that your insistence that this is offensive is a joke.
23
I think it's pretty fucking funny! And considering my 12 year old twin boys read it and said no one would ever believe such a stupid story I don't have a lot of sympathy for those who bought it.
Awesome!
Awesome!
24
It took a thorough re-reading of Bethany's reaction to the blockquote to realize that she does not, in fact, have a problem with the faux-BBC story and may in fact find it humorous. It is not so functional on Friday, my brain. BRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAIN.
25
bj,
I just read your post like four times thinking I was too high to discern intended sarcasm. turns out it wasn't there!
why would the bbc publish their news on bouncewith.me.uk? why did this bother you so much? do you really think zombie flu jokes are inappropriate in the midst of sars 2.0? I mean c'mon.
I just read your post like four times thinking I was too high to discern intended sarcasm. turns out it wasn't there!
why would the bbc publish their news on bouncewith.me.uk? why did this bother you so much? do you really think zombie flu jokes are inappropriate in the midst of sars 2.0? I mean c'mon.
26
if something seems believable—like London being quarantined, or this flu having the ability to reanimate the recently deceased....
Comedy gold.
Comedy gold.
30
No, SIN, I don't eat human flesh (other than my own). I eat pigs, and cows, and goats, and sheep, and chickens, and fish, and bivalves, and rabbits and ducks and geese and anything else I can get my hands on, though. See, animals aren't people.
If cabeza isn't to your liking, you obviously have no palate. But there are other delicious meats. Are you familiar with carnitas? Most folks make it with just select cuts of pork, usually the shoulder (for the fat and connective tissue), even in Mexico; but the real deal is make from the whole animal, snout to tail, roasted forever and then fried some more in the rendered fat. By separating the fat out and then putting it back in later, you get those delicious crispy bits, but also the full richness of the fat -- pig fat is widely considered to be the silkiest, most delicious kind (though duck fat has its partisans). If you're ever at a fiesta, or a large family gathering in Mexico, you may run across a full-scale carnitas operation, where you can sample some of the more obscure bits like the eyeball, the heart, the snout, all treated with with this amazing preparation. It's quite a cultural experience.
But then, people like you don't have a culture, and are afraid of people who do. Maybe someday you'll lighten up, get those panties damp, live a little, rather than just sitting in the dark scolding people you think are inferior to you. We're not, of course; no one is inferior to you.
If cabeza isn't to your liking, you obviously have no palate. But there are other delicious meats. Are you familiar with carnitas? Most folks make it with just select cuts of pork, usually the shoulder (for the fat and connective tissue), even in Mexico; but the real deal is make from the whole animal, snout to tail, roasted forever and then fried some more in the rendered fat. By separating the fat out and then putting it back in later, you get those delicious crispy bits, but also the full richness of the fat -- pig fat is widely considered to be the silkiest, most delicious kind (though duck fat has its partisans). If you're ever at a fiesta, or a large family gathering in Mexico, you may run across a full-scale carnitas operation, where you can sample some of the more obscure bits like the eyeball, the heart, the snout, all treated with with this amazing preparation. It's quite a cultural experience.
But then, people like you don't have a culture, and are afraid of people who do. Maybe someday you'll lighten up, get those panties damp, live a little, rather than just sitting in the dark scolding people you think are inferior to you. We're not, of course; no one is inferior to you.
31
Actually, Bethany, it's hilarious. You just have no sense of humor and are butthurt because you believed it.
33
Fnarf #30, I don't have a culture? You mean I don't do what my ancestors did? You eat pigs and cows and bird corpses just because your ancestors did. If your ancestors ate dog corpses, you would eat dog corpses, correct? If your ancestors ate human corpses, you would eat human corpses, correct? That is the definition of social conservatism.
34
Hell, #33, I eat animal corpses my ancestors never touched. Squid? Done it. Crickets? Done it. Freaky Japanese shrimp? Done it. Rattlesnake? Haven't found anybody that makes it yet, but if I do I'll definitely try some.
37
well idk bout yall but i do beleave in the study of zombilisim, and one day is to come that when zombies do rule the world and the ppl to survive the infection will have to fight for the life day by day. i take this stuff seriously, and everyone else should also
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