Even in the second gayest city in America, after San Francisco, Seattle still has closeted married men hitting on teenagers in the sauna. Here’s what happened:

At 8:15 p.m. last Friday night, an officer responded to a 911 call from All Star Fitness in the Seattle Municipal Tower, on Fifth Avenue and Cherry Street. Up on the 14th floor, a police report says, a 17-year-old boy explained that after finishing his workout he entered the sauna, saw a male acquaintance sitting inside, said hello, and sat down. The man commented on the teen’s strong shoulders and asked if they were tense. Of course they were tense, the teen replied. The man started massaging his shoulders and back with both hands, and then began massaging the teen’s leg. The teen commented that his legs were not sore. The police report then says the man “grabbed his arm and kissed it” and then “lifted his arm and kissed his armpit.”

But the teen still did not leave the sauna.

The man told the teen not to tell anyone, and he then said, “I am going to play,” before gesturing with his hand that he was going to masturbate. He asked for the teen to keep a lookout for anyone coming into the sauna. Then another man walked in, and then—and only then—did the teen finally exit the sauna. In the manager’s office, the officer found a very upset teen, who said that he was offended, that he couldn’t believe what had just happened, and that he never thought the man “could have done something like that since he was married,” the police report says. The teen asked that the officer not tell the teen’s parents, who were also there. The manager attempted to confront the man but the man left in a hurry with his wife.

You know, it’s gross if the man knew the teen was a minor but not terribly shocking that a guy is hitting on someone in the sauna—it's happened to me before at my downtown gym. Nor is it surprising that a teen was shocked—or perhaps complicit until someone caught them—when it happened. But… in Seattle? Good lord, gentlemen. Come out of the fucking closet already—there's more elbowroom out here and plenty better ways to meet guys than hitting on them at the gym. And, young man, get a goddamn clue. When a man offers you a massage in the hot, steamy sauna, he wants to rub more than your shoulders. You know this. If you're not into it, the time to get up and leave is, if nothing more, when he starts rubbing you legs and kissing your pits.