As of 8:30 last night, here were the results of the Sedaris ticket giveaway contest.

It was a long, brutal battle, but Essay # 1 won:

I’m knocked up and sans pleasure. I can’t drink, smoke, eat blue cheese, brie, or sushi. I’m starting to look like a wholphin. I pee nonstop, and wet myself when I sneeze. And sex hurts. I could really use a trip to a land of neuroses that wasn’t my own.

In all honesty, I didn't vote for it—my latent Catholic self-loathing required me to vote for #4, the Paul-puncher—but I do think the essay tied with the essay about the fire ants for the most Sedaris-y of the lot. The sense of finding some sort of dignity in honest, straight-faced self-humiliation is very appropriate. So congratulations to our winner, and thanks to all who entered and voted. I wish I had a dozen more tickets to give away.

And, to our winner, I'd like to point out Dan Savage's advice, which was posted in the comments to yesterday's post:

If #1 wins... well, she should bring a tarp to sit on. Out of consideration for the next occupant of that seat.

That's good advice for everyone.