Friday, April 17, 2009
Books Start Your Conspiracy Theories: Breeder Wins Sedaris Tix!
Posted by Paul Constant on Fri, Apr 17, 2009 at 1:04 PM
As of 8:30 last night, here were the results of the Sedaris ticket giveaway contest.
It was a long, brutal battle, but Essay # 1 won:
I’m knocked up and sans pleasure. I can’t drink, smoke, eat blue cheese, brie, or sushi. I’m starting to look like a wholphin. I pee nonstop, and wet myself when I sneeze. And sex hurts. I could really use a trip to a land of neuroses that wasn’t my own.
In all honesty, I didn't vote for it—my latent Catholic self-loathing required me to vote for #4, the Paul-puncher—but I do think the essay tied with the essay about the fire ants for the most Sedaris-y of the lot. The sense of finding some sort of dignity in honest, straight-faced self-humiliation is very appropriate. So congratulations to our winner, and thanks to all who entered and voted. I wish I had a dozen more tickets to give away.
And, to our winner, I'd like to point out Dan Savage's advice, which was posted in the comments to yesterday's post:
If #1 wins... well, she should bring a tarp to sit on. Out of consideration for the next occupant of that seat.
That's good advice for everyone.
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1
You know, I voted for #1 without realizing she was preggers. My eyes apparently just skipped over the "knocked up" part and I thought that this gal was just really fucked up.
3
No, that's later today - after showing off the flashy cell phone, that's when the robbery will take place.
4
@2 NO KIDDING
I did not vote for the pregnant woman and didn't want her to win. It's misery of her own making and pregnancy complaints are gross and annoying!
#3 was the best and lost by the largest margin. Go figure
I did not vote for the pregnant woman and didn't want her to win. It's misery of her own making and pregnancy complaints are gross and annoying!
#3 was the best and lost by the largest margin. Go figure
5
"Gross and annoying?" The thought of a peeing pregnant woman is hot. The painful sex complaint spoils it though.
6
If she can't get her "boo-hoo woe is me procreation is so easy for some of us but we still like to bitch about it" ass to the theater does that mean I get the tickets?
7
i voted for the wholphin. anyone who uses the word wolphin should win whatever contest they enter.
12
I'm with #8- punch Paul and the Preggo Whiner.
And be sure to make her pay for the upholstery cleaning after she pisses all over the seat!
And be sure to make her pay for the upholstery cleaning after she pisses all over the seat!
14
#1 was the WORST one...trying too hard and too obvious.
The "fuck you, Paul" one was also obvious but funny in a Mean Girl sort of way.
The "fuck you, Paul" one was also obvious but funny in a Mean Girl sort of way.
16
hey- this is the paul puncher, author of #4
here's my concession speech--
Paul Constant voted for my entry for one reason- not that he is self-loathing, but that he is self-absorbed, and he loved the fact that he was the subject of such an essay.
Yup. Anyone who reads his reviews will learn the same thing. His concern is not so much to let us know what the book/movie is about- he's merely only occupied with letting us know his irrelevant opinions about whatever-the-fuck...
Thus, he uses every wordspace he receives to op-ed...
Bravo!! You fucking suck Paul!!
So, Ms. Prego- as the winner of this contest, I ask you, in favor of my 300 vote constituency, to go ahead and punch the motherfucker. Or, pee on him. Or rant about your inability to sushi... Each sound fantastic....
=)
Thank you and good night....
here's my concession speech--
Paul Constant voted for my entry for one reason- not that he is self-loathing, but that he is self-absorbed, and he loved the fact that he was the subject of such an essay.
Yup. Anyone who reads his reviews will learn the same thing. His concern is not so much to let us know what the book/movie is about- he's merely only occupied with letting us know his irrelevant opinions about whatever-the-fuck...
Thus, he uses every wordspace he receives to op-ed...
Bravo!! You fucking suck Paul!!
So, Ms. Prego- as the winner of this contest, I ask you, in favor of my 300 vote constituency, to go ahead and punch the motherfucker. Or, pee on him. Or rant about your inability to sushi... Each sound fantastic....
=)
Thank you and good night....
18
@16 Thanks for being gracious in defeat.
And note to the winner: the miracle of life is wonderful, but no one said pregnancy was a cakewalk. Enjoy the reading, but please stop whining. If not for the sake of us anonymous commenters, for the sake of your husband/significant other.
And note to the winner: the miracle of life is wonderful, but no one said pregnancy was a cakewalk. Enjoy the reading, but please stop whining. If not for the sake of us anonymous commenters, for the sake of your husband/significant other.
20
Yesterday when I read the essays I thought, as I chuckled to myself, "wow! These are good, they should ALL win. I miss the clever/funny/smart people of Seattle". Then, when I read through the comments of yesterday and today I found myself thinking, "I hate Seattle."
21
Good advice, Dan.
Dan is nothing if not considerate and never goes anywhere without his tarp and a roll of paper towels.
Dan is nothing if not considerate and never goes anywhere without his tarp and a roll of paper towels.
23
Mean spirited articles? Fine. Mean spirited music? Fine. Mean spirited cartoons? Yes. Mean spirited art? I'm all for it--if its good. Being evil in a constructive way is often interesting. But mean spirited blog comments? Come on. If you're going to snark, at least have the balls to put your own work on the line. You're attacking real people here.
24
Mean spirited articles? Fine. Mean spirited music? Fine. Mean spirited cartoons? Yes. Mean spirited art? I'm all for it--if it's good. Being evil in a constructive way is often interesting. But mean spirited blog comments? Come on. If you're going to snark, at least have the balls to put your own work on the line. You're attacking real people here.
26
New rule...because I say so. You can only criticize a pregnant woman if you've been pregnant yourself, k?
27
What a waste. You know that she is just going to sell those tickets and blow the money on a baby bjorn.
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