So long WaMu. I'm done with you. (For those of you ready to join me, and not interested in the story, jump to my escape plan.)

The last straw was two month's statements closing with a missing $18. I still use paper statements and checks for my banking, and balance my checkbook every month—like my grandfather taught me. For similarly cautious reasons, when WaMu collapsed and was seized by the FDIC, I printed out a current statement from online and suggested you do the same. I'm still getting ridicule for this. Bankers seem to think anyone foolish enough to mistrust their honesty or competence are fools. Digging after my missing $18, Chase finally fessed up to a 'service charge' on my formerly free checking. My account predated the current WaMu free checking program. Upon the transfer over to Chase, it became a $1500 minimum account. Chase quietly started pocketing money from my account. I caught them. I'm done.

Chase's business strategy for years—to the extent the financial industry has any strategy at all beyond ultra-short-term greed—has been to fee the shit out of their retail banking customers. Failing at the idiotically simple task of lending at slightly higher interest rate then they pay to their depositors, all of the remaining superbanks are resorting to ever higher and pettier fees to return to profitability, while still reliant upon public funds to operate. It's sociopathic; as for-profit businesses, they must be sociopathic. What's going on here are the banks are switching from being incompetent sociopaths to competent sociopaths. Their stocks have been rising on the good news.

Back when I was still living in Baltimore, I left (what was First National when I joined, then Allfirst, and then finally became) Bank of America after a similar pocketing of cash. Bank of America cashed a check I had deposited in their ATM, but failed to credit my account. Faced with the canceled check, with my account number and name clearly on the front and back and the Allfirst stamp indicating they had cashed the check, they refused to credit my account. I demanded all my money and walked right across the hall to the Johns Hopkins Federal Credit Union. Bank of America's latest innovation in screwing over customers is something called balance chasing. It's a brilliant way to take advantage of the newly draconian consumer bankruptcy bill and make a qick profit from the total downfall of people who otherwise would be likely to make it. Nice work, boys! Short term private profit at the cost of long term public debt.

In my opinion—and as many note time and time again, I'm a biologist not an economist or financial adviser. Take my thoughts seriously or as advice at your own peril—anyone still doing retail banking at one of the huge, bailout dependent banks, is a sucker. The banks think you're a sucker, and are rapidly proliferating the ways they can separate you from whatever meager savings and financial security you can muster. Leave them.

Yes, all of these banks are FDIC insured. And the FDIC is amazingly competent at what it does. Staying with one of these failed banks is like getting into a car of a totally drunk friend because he has insurance "and dude, it'll cover whatever medical costs of anyone I hurt would have to pay."

Why do we need banks? The multiplier effect. For every dollar you deposit in your bank, the bank is legally allowed to lend out several dollars. Those lent dollars allow people to buy cars, homes or other stuff now. These spent dollars can, in turn, be saved or spent again. With a bank, your dollar allows the economy to grow and expand. A bank's biggest societal benefit is to lend money wisely; it's the task these huge banks have proven totally incapable of.

So, if you're ready to leave the big banks, there's an obvious place to go: Credit Unions. Like banks, you can deposit, write checks and even earn a bit of interest for lending your money. And like banks, credit unions give out loans—typically carefully vetted mortgages and auto loans. Credit unions have their own Federally-backed insurance system, very much like the FDIC, called the NCUA. The biggest difference between credit unions and banks? Credit unions are non-profit. A credit union has all the societal benefits of a bank with none of the sociopathy. A winner.

A Chase exec will tell you "all this hippy non-profit shit sounds great now, but what are you going to do when you need an ATM and your little crappy credit union, with only one branch, is across town?" Credit unions have banded together, allowing members of one to use the ATMs and even the branches of others.

Here's my escape plan:

1. I opened an account at the Boeing Employee Credit Union. The ATM card works for free at the Group Health Co-op credit union, WSECU and BECU ATMs right next to my house and workplaces.

2. For when I just need an ATM, I opened a Schwab high-yield saving account. Schwab, for now, will pay any ATM fee for withdrawals at any ATM. WaMu ATMs. Chase ATMs. Shitty high fee ATM at the corner store. Any.

It took a month for my last WaMu checks to clear and now I'm done and about to get the cashier's check for the rest of my remaining balance. It's working. I couldn't be happier going back to not worrying about my bank. You might want to join me.

Updated:

Just be clear, as I've gotten a few concerned emails, these mystery fees showed up on the detailed, end of month, printed balance sheet and online a few days after they were assessed. But only as a "service fee" with no details of why I was charged. I caught the discrepancy when I noticed an ATM balance of my account was off. The discovery of this $1500 minimum took a few calls and messages.

I also love using QuickenOnline or Mint.com to keep track of all of my spending, and discover fees before the end of the month.

For credit card holders, particularly with Chase or Bank of America, watch out for a sudden decrease in your grace period (the time they give you to pay off your balance in full if you don't want a finance charge.) The banks are looking for a way to gouge people who rigorously avoid finance fees. Discover has never fucked with me in this way.