Slog
News & ArtsThursday, April 16, 2009
Books Who Should Win the Sedaris Tickets?
Posted by Paul Constant on Thu, Apr 16, 2009 at 12:01 PM
Yesterday, I said I would select four 50-word essays by our readers and put them on Slog, allowing you, the Slog-reading public, the opportunity to decide who should get two free tickets to see David Sedaris on Thursday, April 30th.
I lied.
I picked six essays instead. I got so many great responses—from so many worthy people—that it's taken me an hour to get it down to these six, and many other entries were just as worthy. Thanks to everyone who sent in an entry.
So now it's up to you. Between now and 7 pm today, I want you to vote for the essayist you feel—based on need, originality, and humor—should win the free Sedaris tickets.
Should it be Essayist Number 1?
I’m knocked up and sans pleasure. I can’t drink, smoke, eat blue cheese, brie, or sushi. I’m starting to look like a wholphin. I pee nonstop, and wet myself when I sneeze. And sex hurts. I could really use a trip to a land of neuroses that wasn’t my own.
Essayist Number 2?
I should get the David Sedaris tickets because my friend Robin saw him in Virginia and had him sign a book for me. He wrote, "To Darren, a married homosexual who has anal sex in Washington - DS." I'd like to ask him to sign a book for her too.
Essayist Number 3?
I am lying in the grass reading Naked, by Davis Sedaris. It’s a hot Georgia day. The book is great and I am on a road trip; all is blissful. Why is the grass so itchy on my tummy? Hundreds of fire ants biting! The pustules lasted through Florida.
Essayist Number 4?
Paul Constant is going to select four essays. Fucking great. The most pompous and irrelevant book princess who was ever given a platform will largely decide who gets some promo tickets to see David Sedaris. Give me the tickets, and when I see Paul there, I will fucking punch him.
Essayist Number 5?
My Crap Year
Or
How to Lose Two Babies, Your Father, Your Husband’s Job and Herniate a Disc (Causing Constant Pain) in 365 Days
By Megen Strand
Dang. I never was very good at brevity.
Or Essayist Number 6?
Why give me free Sedaris tickets? Because as an awesome librarian I am also a financial martyr, forgoing lucrative careers in order to fight the good fight to preserve America’s libraries as the fan-fucking-tabulous places they are, hotbeds of both extreme liberal and conservative thought, free to all, welcoming everyone!
Cast your ballots here:
2
If #1 wins... well, she should bring a tarp to sit on. Out of consideration for the next occupant of that seat.
8
1's use of "sans" suggests she needs to cut down on her NPR type experiences.
2 seems to think this will be a book signing event.
4 wants to punch someone inside Benaroya, but everybody knows the punching zone is the bus stop outside Benaroya.
5's hernia means she can't sit for any length of time comfortably, and will have to stifle her Sedaris-pleasing laughter.
6's entry is more self-admiring than Sedaris-admiring.
3 is the only entrant who gave us a self-deprecating light comic piece with a grossout finish. That's what the evening should be all about, so please vote for #3.
2 seems to think this will be a book signing event.
4 wants to punch someone inside Benaroya, but everybody knows the punching zone is the bus stop outside Benaroya.
5's hernia means she can't sit for any length of time comfortably, and will have to stifle her Sedaris-pleasing laughter.
6's entry is more self-admiring than Sedaris-admiring.
3 is the only entrant who gave us a self-deprecating light comic piece with a grossout finish. That's what the evening should be all about, so please vote for #3.
9
Please #4.
And unless #6 is from way out of town, they are full of it. Librarians in Seattle or King County are far from Financial Martyrs. They earn a decent paycheck.
And unless #6 is from way out of town, they are full of it. Librarians in Seattle or King County are far from Financial Martyrs. They earn a decent paycheck.
10
actually this is #1's 'happiest days of her life' and she'll probably do it again. A librarian isn't exactly a social worker or a volunteer, but they are fucking awesome, #6 seems the best option.
11
Number 1! Please! Give her one last big laugh before a year of having to stick around for the baby!
13
Pregnancy is a 9 month march with plenty of glowy everyone-is-happy-for-me goodness
Librarian is a 30 year gig dealing with the public EVERY FUCKING DAY. If you've ever ever ever had to work a job that deals with people on a regular basis, the deserving winner becomes obvious. At least when you're pregnant people occasionally do nice things for you. Librarians put up with shit pay, constant funding issues, and every crazy/unstable person who decides to come in.
Disclaimer: my mom's a librarian.
Librarian is a 30 year gig dealing with the public EVERY FUCKING DAY. If you've ever ever ever had to work a job that deals with people on a regular basis, the deserving winner becomes obvious. At least when you're pregnant people occasionally do nice things for you. Librarians put up with shit pay, constant funding issues, and every crazy/unstable person who decides to come in.
Disclaimer: my mom's a librarian.
14
yall voting like having a baby was some sort of prison sentence... it was her choice, and a good one, to have a child... that shudnt get pity votes for a humor contest!
20
fuck #1!!
"oh look at me i'm pregnant! feel sorry for me!"
what about 'oh look at me, i'm NOT pregnant!' it's a lot more work, isn't it?
"oh look at me i'm pregnant! feel sorry for me!"
what about 'oh look at me, i'm NOT pregnant!' it's a lot more work, isn't it?
22
I'm with #12. Burn the fucking tickets! These were the best entries? Constant, I am disappointed in you.
If you must choose from this cesspool of "essays", the self-congratulating librarian should probably get the tickets. But I still vote for burning them, or perhaps handing them to an unsuspecting panhandler right before the show.
Bunch of whining wankers!
If you must choose from this cesspool of "essays", the self-congratulating librarian should probably get the tickets. But I still vote for burning them, or perhaps handing them to an unsuspecting panhandler right before the show.
Bunch of whining wankers!
27
Toss up between #3 (even though I like Paul Constant, but that is goddamned hilarious), and #6. #6 wins my vote because it's your special day, book-monger!
28
Think of it this way: if you were at the event, which one of these people would you want to sit by?
Not #1, if she's constantly getting up to pee, thus disturbing my experience.
Not #5, because seeing a person in constant pain pretty much prevents me from enjoying myself.
Not #2 or #6, because they seem a bit full of themselves.
That leaves #3 or #4. If I could vote twice, I would cast one vote for each of them.
Not #1, if she's constantly getting up to pee, thus disturbing my experience.
Not #5, because seeing a person in constant pain pretty much prevents me from enjoying myself.
Not #2 or #6, because they seem a bit full of themselves.
That leaves #3 or #4. If I could vote twice, I would cast one vote for each of them.
30
The wholphin still has a lot of suffering ahead: stretchmarks, childbirth, sleep deprivation, poo and pee by the pound, stained clothes, stained carpets, inconsolable wailing, and no adult interaction for years to come. Fleeting memories of a David Sedaris reading just may help assuage her torment. --But kids are great. We have three.
31
@27's comment suggests that some people are having trouble telling whether the number comes before or after the essay. Paul is threatened in #4, not #3. Vote #3.
33
Oh God, please anyone other than #1 or #6. I can't imagine the pain of having to sit next to either of those doucheknuckles.
35
just to point this out: it is national librarian day is today. #6 is a librarian. case fucking closed.
36
NOT #1: Getting pregnant, and then complaining about it, is no reason to receive a prize. Quite the opposite.
37
1) The wholphin's condition is entirely voluntary and deserves no pity. Also, she's a self-admitted seat-soiler. No.
2) This entry is nonsensical. He's a buttfucker (so am I, big deal) who had a book signed to commemorate this fact, and has the poor taste to desire to accost Sedaris with a pen at a reading? No. Stay home and listen to the rerun on KUOW next week.
3) Fire ants? What kind of a dumbass doesn't look before they lie down outside? No.
4) While mildly amusing, it's clearly a ploy and is therefore disqualified.
5) Stay home and take your Flexeril and Oxycontin. Listen in your dazed stupor next week on NPR, you can sit next to Pee Pants (1) and Butt Fucker (2).
6) Today is the only day you could get away with such self-serving garbage. We love our librarians in this town, but you are no Nancy Pearl. No.
No, I didn't enter. I never entertained going. I love Sedaris, and I'll listen to the KUOW broadcast with Pee Pants and the Butt Fucker next week.
What else ya got, princess? These are pathetic.
2) This entry is nonsensical. He's a buttfucker (so am I, big deal) who had a book signed to commemorate this fact, and has the poor taste to desire to accost Sedaris with a pen at a reading? No. Stay home and listen to the rerun on KUOW next week.
3) Fire ants? What kind of a dumbass doesn't look before they lie down outside? No.
4) While mildly amusing, it's clearly a ploy and is therefore disqualified.
5) Stay home and take your Flexeril and Oxycontin. Listen in your dazed stupor next week on NPR, you can sit next to Pee Pants (1) and Butt Fucker (2).
6) Today is the only day you could get away with such self-serving garbage. We love our librarians in this town, but you are no Nancy Pearl. No.
No, I didn't enter. I never entertained going. I love Sedaris, and I'll listen to the KUOW broadcast with Pee Pants and the Butt Fucker next week.
What else ya got, princess? These are pathetic.
40
Not that it will help get my essay (#2) any votes, but to clarify:
@8 - I'm pretty sure he does signings at all of his events.
@28 - I don't think wanting to do something nice for your best friend is being full of yourself, but I'm probably just being...
@37 - you misread- I did not ask her to have him sign a book for me, she surprised me with a gift and he came up with the inscription of his own accord. I'd like to surprise her back and see what he comes up with for her.
And finally, 961 votes in under 3 hours?!? I think I should be voting multiple times too.
@8 - I'm pretty sure he does signings at all of his events.
@28 - I don't think wanting to do something nice for your best friend is being full of yourself, but I'm probably just being...
@37 - you misread- I did not ask her to have him sign a book for me, she surprised me with a gift and he came up with the inscription of his own accord. I'd like to surprise her back and see what he comes up with for her.
And finally, 961 votes in under 3 hours?!? I think I should be voting multiple times too.
41
Wait, my calendar says that it is National "Be Nice to Folks with Back Issues Who Lost 2 Babies, a Dad and a Job" Day. How strange that it would fall on Librarian Day! #5 Wins!
42
Seriously, we're going to reward a (presumably) heterosexual woman for her fruitful uterus, by giving her free David Sedaris tickets? What's wrong with this picture?
44
Seriously, we're going to reward a (presumably) heterosexual woman for her fruitful uterus, by giving her free David Sedaris tickets? What's wrong with this picture?
I've seen the light. I was tempted to do something nice for an Iraqi War vet, but then I thought: Fuck him. He volunteered for it, and he deserves all the shit he got.
I've seen the light. I was tempted to do something nice for an Iraqi War vet, but then I thought: Fuck him. He volunteered for it, and he deserves all the shit he got.
45
I actually just like the writing of #1 better than the others. I did enjoy #4 as well though, a close second.
46
You can't vote more than once, so these aren't multiple votes. And seriously, some of you people commenting need therapy. Or to smoke a bowl at least.
47
#4 for sure! How else do non-rich people get to READ and/or LISTEN TO Sedaris? So Sedaris-worshipping or not - she's the winner on the front lines putting information and knowledge and LAUGHS into people's hands! woo!
50
(I mean, come on, "The pustules lasted all through Florida" is the greatest sentence I've read all day.)
51
@46 - Um, yes you can. In fact, I voted for myself a couple of times to see if it would let me. Try deleting your cookies. However there is no way I could keep up at the rate I suspect others are doing it. I suppose I should be disqualified. Anyone else?
54
the point was to write something funny n original, not a pity party. or a "look at me im a librarian".....
half of these selections are retarded. paul constant set parameters and didnt even go by them....
#4 shud win just for forecasting that paul would fuck it up.
half of these selections are retarded. paul constant set parameters and didnt even go by them....
#4 shud win just for forecasting that paul would fuck it up.
55
The point was actually to say why you deserved free tickets. #5 is the only one that does that while also being original and funny.
58
I think the Librarian should win because she has to put up with a lot of assholes in her line of work.
See some of the above messages. That's the wonderful public.
Day in, Day out -- stupid people asking even stupider questions.
See some of the above messages. That's the wonderful public.
Day in, Day out -- stupid people asking even stupider questions.
59
#5 for sure! #1 could be in labor and delivery this minute. And who doesn't enjoy sitting next to someone who uses sarcasm and irony to cope with a "crap year"? She has my vote! MJ
60
wow, some people really hate pregnant women! go deal with your issues with your mother while i vote for #1, clearly the funniest and most well-written essay.
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