Only "terrible people," according to books editor Paul Constant.
Well, slap the cuffs on me, Paul Constant! Throw me in the paddywagon! Take me "downtown" and "slammer" me right in the "big house!" Because I am one of those terrible black licorice-loving people! In fact, I don't just love black licorice. We are IN LOVE. Wedding date TBD.
I purchased this bag of RJ's "Soft Eating" Natural Licorice (see above) at Pasta & Co. last week. It cost like $8, which is quite a few dollars for licorice. BUT IT IS NOT TOO MANY DOLLARS FOR THE MOST DELICIOUS LICORICE IN THE WORLD!!! This licorice is so fucking good. If you are a terrible person, like me, and you want to eat some life-changingly tasty licorice, I hope you have $8. Otherwise, your life is fucked in this regard. Sorry.
After I was accused of being terrible, I took an informal office poll and discovered that EVERYBODY in the office hates black licorice except for Eli Sanders, who said it reminded him of his "crazy uncle," and Brendan Kiley, who seemed indifferent but generally supportive of my cause. Everyone else screamed in my face about how black jellybeans (<ââ) ruined their lives. Whatever. Anyway, everyone else, I would now like to posit (and prove) that black licorice is not the domain of terrible people. Clearly, people who appreciate black licorice are, in fact, better than you. Because we know what is good (black licorice) and what is not good (you guys).
Anti-black licorice people, let me ask you a few questions in which I will liberally lift passages from Wikipedia:
Is your stupid Snickers bar also an effective expectorant?
Is that Hot Tamale in your mouth also used to make Ayurvedic tooth powders?
Do you sometimes use Big Hunk to treat your mouth ulcers and also peptic ulcers too?
Is your beloved Laffy Taffy an ingredient in a Bellevue-based canker sore medication known as CankerMelts?
Oh, oh, do you sometimes take that box of Nerds and employ it as a mild laxative as well as a topical antiviral agent for shingles, ophthalmic (EYEBALL), oral, or genital herpes!?
Say, tell me, is that 100 Grand bar, in addition to being a common snack, also used to treat ileitis, leaky gut syndrome, irritable bowel syndrome, and Crohn's disease as it is antispasmodic in the bowels???
THE ANSWER IS NO. NO. ONLY BLACK LICORICE DOES THESE THINGS. TRY RUBBING A THREE MUSKETEERS ON YOUR HERPES AND SEE WHAT HAPPENS. I bet you will still have herpes at the end. And good luck with that leaky gut, jerks.
Black licorice is multitasking all over town. Task one: Be delicious. Task two: SAVE LIVES.
BOOM.
PROVED.
CASE CLOSED.
Black licorice is the best.
