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Wednesday, March 18, 2009

Life A Note to Our Readers: The Cleverest Thing I've Ever Done to This Day

Posted by on Wed, Mar 18, 2009 at 6:01 PM

The most recent story I can offer is from when I was 2.

I was in the grocery store with my mother. I stuffed my mouth with wrapped Brach's candies. My mother told me to desist. I spit out the candy, then ran through the aisles screaming "She's not my mother!"

This is definitely the cleverest thing I have ever done.

 

Comments (22) RSS

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1
Speaking as a mom, I bet your mom could come up with something more recent. :)
Posted by Patti on March 18, 2009 at 6:04 PM
2
Yeah we get it. The whole Stranger staff thinks shoplifting is one big joke. Harmless and hilarious.

Of the people I was hoping would not participate in this sad spectacle Jen Graves was #1 on my list.
Posted by at least you were 2, Erica is in her 30s. you defending her? on March 18, 2009 at 6:07 PM
3
@2

Read the post again.
Posted by And read it again if you don't get it. on March 18, 2009 at 6:12 PM
4
A two-year-old can get away with that. Not a smug, aging hack of a writer.
Posted by Sticky fingers ain't cute on March 18, 2009 at 6:13 PM
5
@2: I think Jen Graves is offering something in the lines of a symbolic protest.
Posted by Jigae on March 18, 2009 at 6:15 PM
6
@5 I guess I'd be more impressed if she came out and said she doesn't think Erica shoplifting is one big joke.

Obviously the "A Note to Our Readers" theme is an attempt to rally around Erica. Instead of just ignoring her criminal behavior they are all defending it.
Posted by but now I know better on March 18, 2009 at 6:22 PM
7
@2 - I think at some point, when I was really little, I stole some oreo cookies from a large crockery pot in the kitchen.

But then I realized that people who post like @2 don't care, they're just trolls and need to jump off the Aurora Bridge.
Posted by Will in Seattle on March 18, 2009 at 6:29 PM
8
Jen, I'm sorry to say that it looks like you've completely lost the support of the disproportionately irate anonymous commenter bloc.
They had such high hopes for you.
A sad day indeed.
Posted by krzysz on March 18, 2009 at 6:34 PM
9
@7 this isn't about you. again.
Posted by Will in Portland on March 18, 2009 at 6:49 PM
10
I'm pretty sure Paul Constant is the one we won't hear from on this. Or rather, we heard from him long before this started.
Posted by elenchos on March 18, 2009 at 7:10 PM
11
I guess you mean the part where he said:
"Why don't you steal from a fucking corporate bookstore, you asshole?"

Right?
Because if that's the case, ECB seems to have already taken his words to heart.
Posted by krzysz on March 18, 2009 at 7:17 PM
12
A Note to Readers and Writers:

A very small number of you really seem to care about this idiotic debacle. All the rest of us are just about to roll our eyes out of our heads.
Posted by balderdash on March 18, 2009 at 7:24 PM
13
yeah i mean QFC is owned by Kruger and that's owned by Ron Burkle and he's the guy that flies Bill-fuckin-Clinton around in his private jet.

So stealing was ok. I mean, Bill shoved a cigar into Monica's pussy! ECB deserves a little revenge.
Posted by stranger staff, though, completely spineless on March 18, 2009 at 7:59 PM
14
I took some test tubes from the FDA when my mother used to work there. Of course I asked first. I guess that doesn't count.
Posted by Simone on March 18, 2009 at 8:03 PM
15
I won't accept your title. Jenn, I don't follow you really close, but your post about "Deadline Dick" was awesome. That post was really clever in the context, the end of the P-I. Doll, go back to your father and ask him more questions about the Whitney Handicap at Saratoga in 1973. That information is historical; I'm certainly interested. Do it for me, Doll.
Posted by Damon Runyon on March 18, 2009 at 8:22 PM
16
Dear Jayzuz:

I know letting that evil, EVIL homo-prostitute Mike Jones suck my Staff of Righteousness while snorting Meth off his rock-hard buttocks was a SIN! And that I deserved all the condemnation, the humiliation, and the resignation as Pastor of New Life Church. I have brought shame to my followers, my family, myself, and most importantly shame to you, Oh Christ my Lord!

But, when held up against the actions of that festering carbuncle of sin and debautchery, one Erica C. Barnett, why, my sins are lily-white in comparison! Walking out of a store without paying for a bottle of wine! Why, think of it! What if that wine had been inadvertently transubstantiated into the very blood of you, my Savior? Imagine how tainted her already blackened soul would have become! Having her thrown into a hole dug especially for her in the innermost circle of Hell itself, filled to brimming with molten pitch, forever tormented by demons of the most hideous sort would have been too good for her!
Posted by Ted Haggard, Age 52 on March 18, 2009 at 9:19 PM
17
Ha. What a great story. When I was three I started pointing at a man and loudly asking my mom "mommy do you want that man?", as we were entering the bank. Fortunately my children haven't done anything quite as embarrassing.
Posted by leap frog on March 18, 2009 at 9:41 PM
18
@12 for the win.

All the trolls for the epic fail.
Posted by Will in Seattle on March 18, 2009 at 11:57 PM
19
@6: "Obviously the "A Note to Our Readers" theme is an attempt to rally around Erica. Instead of just ignoring her criminal behavior they are all defending it."

Is there no other possibility? Isn't it possible that while not defending her actions people who know Erica forgive her? The whole "A Note to Our Readers" thing was touching. Maybe as you grow up a bit more you will learn to recognize how rare and precious such things are.
Posted by kresblamania on March 19, 2009 at 5:19 AM
20
@ Will in Seattle for his stereotypical, tired, retarded "@X for the win - "Will in Seattle" type post.
Posted by Will in Peeattle on March 19, 2009 at 7:27 AM
21
@19: I mean -- it might be. Or it might be editorially mandated. Or peer pressure. There are a lot of possibilities.
Posted by Jigae on March 19, 2009 at 8:33 AM
22
@18: Have you ever met a tired internet meme you didn't like?

pwned.
Posted by Jigae on March 19, 2009 at 8:34 AM

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