Wednesday, March 11, 2009
Chow What Not to Cook
Posted by Dominic Holden on Wed, Mar 11, 2009 at 11:58 AM
Eight great tastes that look terrible together: store-bought angel food cake, vanilla frosting, cocoa powder, vanilla extract, cinnamon, apple pie filling, corn nuts and pumpkin seeds. Plus giant candles. It's the Food Network's recipe for Kwanzaa cake.
This video is a trillion internet years old, but ingredients like these last forever.
Tip from Nika, via Neatorama.
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1
Kwanzaa's coming up pretty soon, isn't it? Oh, wait.
Sandra Lee is for all seasons, though, I admit.
Sandra Lee is for all seasons, though, I admit.
3
Gosh, if this guy is a role model for African-American youth, no wonder so many of them are totally fucked up.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Maulana_Kar…
In 1971, Karenga, Louis Smith, and Luz Maria Tamayo were convicted of felony assault and false imprisonment for assaulting and torturing over a two day period two women from the US organization, Deborah Jones and Gail Davis. An article in the Los Angeles Times described the testimony of one of the women: "Deborah Jones, who once was given the title of an African queen, said she and Gail Davis were whipped with an electrical cord and beaten with a karate baton after being ordered to remove their clothes. She testified that a hot soldering iron was placed in Miss Davis' mouth and placed against Miss Davis' face and that one of her own big toes was tightened in a vice. Karenga, head of US, also put detergent and running hoses in their mouths, she said".
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Maulana_Kar…
In 1971, Karenga, Louis Smith, and Luz Maria Tamayo were convicted of felony assault and false imprisonment for assaulting and torturing over a two day period two women from the US organization, Deborah Jones and Gail Davis. An article in the Los Angeles Times described the testimony of one of the women: "Deborah Jones, who once was given the title of an African queen, said she and Gail Davis were whipped with an electrical cord and beaten with a karate baton after being ordered to remove their clothes. She testified that a hot soldering iron was placed in Miss Davis' mouth and placed against Miss Davis' face and that one of her own big toes was tightened in a vice. Karenga, head of US, also put detergent and running hoses in their mouths, she said".
4
Kwanzaa is a fake holiday, and Sandra Lee appears faker than that. Scary woman. Frightful dessert.
6
That woman's show on Food Network is called "Semi-Home Made." Her whole schtick is using mostly-prepared grocery store products and "doctoring them up" so that they feel a bit more "home made" than they actually are. It's white trash gourmet. Kind of nauseating, but she wears low-cut, tight sweaters most shows...
I have no doubt that any other show on Food Network would do a Kwanzaa cake from scratch in excruciating detail involving expensive ingredients imported West Africa.
I have no doubt that any other show on Food Network would do a Kwanzaa cake from scratch in excruciating detail involving expensive ingredients imported West Africa.
7
I do enjoy that in every episode she makes a cocktail.
It ups the suburban secret alcoholic factor.
It ups the suburban secret alcoholic factor.
8
@4 I always thought Sandra Lee was frightening too. Something about her really gets under my skin. I have an ability to pick out people who later do really bizzarro things and she strikes me as one of those people. To be fair, I don't know anything about her except her show but, Jupiter, she freaks me!
9
I'm horrified. That video almost made me vomit in my mouth. Even Jackass is classier than that cooking show.
10
The principles of Kwanzaa are the same principles as the "Symbionese Liberation Army", the maoist terrorist group that abducted, raped, tortured, and brainwashed Patty Hearst. Anyone who thinks Kwanzaa is cool is a fucking moron.
12
Before I saw the video, as soon as you said store-bought angel food cake, I knew it was Sandra Lee. She's got some good ideas (booze!), but when they're all mixed together, it's like some terrible budget Martha creature.
13
It was kind of gucky, but overall, I was semi-okay until the appearance of the giant candles. Those were way out of proportion to the cake and therefore ... HILARIOUS.
14
I hate that she pulls that TV chef thing where they produce a spice they assume everyone has but in reality, you end up running out to spend $13 at QFC because TV chefs are bastards.
Rachael Ray does that a lot.
Rachael Ray does that a lot.
15
Buy your spices in bulk, Baconcat. You shouldn't be paying $13 for anything, let alone some stale shit in a jar. There's a buck and a half of stuff in most of those.
And I don't think Sandra Lee has ever used an added spice in her life. It's all already in the can of Spaghetti-Os she's making your breakfast out of.
And I don't think Sandra Lee has ever used an added spice in her life. It's all already in the can of Spaghetti-Os she's making your breakfast out of.
19
@17: You said it. Semi-Ho is a staple of our day-to-day bitching about the state of Americans' cooking abilities. I won't rant now, but rather direct folks to another disaster of hers:
Prune Brownies
Suffice to say, "Serious. Texture. Problems."
Prune Brownies
Suffice to say, "Serious. Texture. Problems."
22
@15: Listen, I'm a cat made out of bacon-- do you think I know my way around a kitchen?
All I know is that if it isn't salt, pepper or marjoram, I refuse to use it.
All I know is that if it isn't salt, pepper or marjoram, I refuse to use it.
24
@19,
I've seen prunes used in chocolate desserts for a while now. It frequently comes up in "health" food recipes or vegan recipes. The prunes are said to bring out the chocolate flavor. In reality, even with a decent recipe, you wind up with a gummy brownie that tastes like baby food. Avoid at all costs. Also steer clear from baked goods that use apple sauce or apple butter, unless the name of the recipe includes the word "apple," i.e. Apple Spice Cake.
I've seen prunes used in chocolate desserts for a while now. It frequently comes up in "health" food recipes or vegan recipes. The prunes are said to bring out the chocolate flavor. In reality, even with a decent recipe, you wind up with a gummy brownie that tastes like baby food. Avoid at all costs. Also steer clear from baked goods that use apple sauce or apple butter, unless the name of the recipe includes the word "apple," i.e. Apple Spice Cake.
25
@ keshmeshi,
And don't forget about substituting mayo for eggs/oil in a cake mix. My mother does this and insists it's a wonderful, delicious light recipe. EPIC FAIL! It tastes like shit. If you're that worried about cholesterol use egg whites and light olive oil....or just don't eat cake.
And don't forget about substituting mayo for eggs/oil in a cake mix. My mother does this and insists it's a wonderful, delicious light recipe. EPIC FAIL! It tastes like shit. If you're that worried about cholesterol use egg whites and light olive oil....or just don't eat cake.
26
This was the first episode I ever saw of that show! I love it when she makes the kocktail at the end and places it on the vastly overdone tablescape, it toughes a special white trash place in my heart. If you ever have a chance to see the "Chefography" of Sandra Lee do it, it is fascinating. She made millions of dollars selling a make-your-own window dressing think on QVC. Yes, I'm embarassed by the fact that I know that.
27
@25,
Wait. Your mom does that for health reasons? Does she know mayo is made with eggs?
I fortunately have been spared that. (It helps that most of my relatives are Scandinavian. Nothing but real eggs and butter at family gatherings.) But I will be sure to look out for that in the future.
Wait. Your mom does that for health reasons? Does she know mayo is made with eggs?
I fortunately have been spared that. (It helps that most of my relatives are Scandinavian. Nothing but real eggs and butter at family gatherings.) But I will be sure to look out for that in the future.
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