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Tuesday, March 10, 2009

Drugs War on Drugs Officially Lost

Posted by Dominic Holden on Tue, Mar 10, 2009 at 3:47 PM

The Department of You Can’t Make This Up and the What? Really?? Agency, along with the Department of We’re in a Recession and This Is Where Your Tax Money Is Going, have teamed up to present another federal anti-pot campaign: Marijuana makes you worse at video games. “Smoking pot affects alertness, concentration, and reaction time—many of the skills required for winning a battleground, defeating an opponent, beating games…” the website cautions. Here’s an interactive graphic hosted by Above the Influence, a project of the Office of National Drug Control Policy.

ff36/1236724032-high_gamer2.jpg

The goal here, we glean, is apparently to convince people who have time to sit around and play video games—stoners—that more important than having fun is mercilessly crushing your opponent. I’m sorry. But the person who has time to sit on the couch and play video games, who is willing to forgo the dope to crush a kid in Wichita using the Konami code, probably needs to smoke some pot.

In all seriousness, can we please, please, please run some pot ads that make at least little bit of sense? The last campaign was about how pot will turn you into a burrito taster. A previous blitz threatened pot smokers with the risk that their girlfriends will dump them for aliens. And now ... this? But, but, but... smoking pot has actual drawbacks. You can’t learn at school when you’re baked, you shouldn’t drive, a toke when you're drunk can make you yak, you can eat a pint of ice cream without realizing what you’ve done.... These are among the harms of pot—tell people about those. Not wacky shit about losing your edge on X-Box Live.

But do gamers even do lose their edge after smoking a bowl?

To find out, I expect Golob and Machkovech to conduct full clinical trials—using Jonah as the test subject and Megan as the non-stoned control—to determine whether pot smokers perform worse at Galaga than their sober competitors. (At my house there's a direct correlation between the housemates who smoke the most pot and the housemates who consistently kick my ass at Wii.)

Comments (23) RSS

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Well, it can counteract the jittery response to caffeine, but you probably won't be better at video games.

They'll be a lot funnier, though.

Posted by Will in Seattle on March 10, 2009 at 3:48 PM

The kids who ruled the arcades when I was a kid were all high.

Posted by dwight moody on March 10, 2009 at 3:51 PM

How about we stop spending any money whatsoever trying to talk people out of doing things they're going to do anyway?

Posted by Just A Thought on March 10, 2009 at 3:52 PM

That's really the best they can come up with?...god, what a fucking waste of money.

I mean come on! Would the video game market be anything near the size it is now if not for marijuana and Mountain Dew?

And don't you think that people who play video games for some sort of personal competetive gratification (as opposed to just for fun) have issues beyond whether or not they're using drugs?

Posted by Hernandez on March 10, 2009 at 3:54 PM

My roommate used to kick my ass at Starforce on the NES, but only he'd had a bottle of wine or a couple Sparks. So alcohol, unlike marijuana apparently, is directly correlated with better video game playing. And also lording your high score over me like a dick.

Posted by michael on March 10, 2009 at 4:01 PM

I can guarantee that smoking pot makes me better at first person shooters. I used to rock the Quake when high.

I've also found surprisingly enough that it helps with internet poker.

Posted by arbeck on March 10, 2009 at 4:16 PM

@5 I'd like to expand on that. There is a level of drunkenness where I am WAY better at Guitar Hero/Rock Band (killing songs on expert guitar and hard/expert drums). But any amount of alcohol more or less and I suck even harder than when I'm sober (have trouble finishing songs on hard guitar or medium drums). It's quite astonishing, really.

Posted by T on March 10, 2009 at 4:17 PM

Saying that marijuana makes you worse at video games is like saying clinical depression makes you worse at being totally sad.

Posted by Dougsf on March 10, 2009 at 4:17 PM

For FPS games I generally find that a bowl helps me get in the zone. I've also noticed I'm better at Left 4 Dead with a six pack behind me.

Posted by w7ngman on March 10, 2009 at 4:23 PM

Galaxian would be better for playing stoned.

Posted by G on March 10, 2009 at 4:33 PM

@8 is 100% for 60% of the people.

More importantly, this article (or ... whatever) is the reason I love Slog and The Stranger in general.

Posted by berian on March 10, 2009 at 4:41 PM

If you need any more test subjects please feel free to contact me. I won't say if I am in the test or control group.

Posted by wisepunk on March 10, 2009 at 4:58 PM

When I was a tester at Nintendo, there was a joke around the office surrounding the yearly drug test requirement. We're supposed to play the games like the most idiotic consumer out there, but we couldn't be high. Seemed like a contradiction to us.

Posted by Enigma on March 10, 2009 at 4:59 PM

The number of gamers who are likely to stop their intake of substances to be better at video games is probably only slightly larger than the number who would take up a regular meditation practice to improve their focus and performance.

I haven't tried marijuana with video games, but Warcraft was made for drinking.

Posted by beneluxboy on March 10, 2009 at 5:08 PM

Ugh... my tax money is paying for this shit?

Posted by Urgutha Forka on March 10, 2009 at 5:11 PM

I can't say WoW plays very well when you're drunk, but it's ok with some tunes on and a nice glass of beer or wine.

Posted by Mr. Obvious on March 10, 2009 at 5:18 PM

The people who built this "interactive" demo were hella high, guaranteed. Your tax dollars at work!

Posted by Westside forever on March 10, 2009 at 5:26 PM

i'd bet anything the guy who made the interactive graphic for this ad was stoned out of his gourd while he rendered it

Posted by jo on March 10, 2009 at 6:40 PM

On the other hand, video games on acid makes you invincible, at least at NHL 95 for the Sega Genesis.

Posted by elswinger on March 10, 2009 at 9:43 PM

I used to get high on college and play Sonic the Hedgehog for hours on end and finish in record time.

Theory debunked....

Posted by tormato on March 11, 2009 at 4:50 AM

It's an empirical fact that I'm better at Tetris when I'm high. I can't beat the high score I set when I was high, unless I'm high again on a different day. Or the same day, depending.

Halo and alcohol do not mix. At all. Ever.

Posted by can bes hi on March 11, 2009 at 6:51 AM

Hey, that's not funny. My wife left me after I was beaten by some alien who worked for Burrito-Testic (a subsidiary of ConHugeCo).

Posted by The Amazing Jim on March 11, 2009 at 9:48 AM

The history of video games and computers is intimately linked with pot and other mind expanding substances (Mario, mushrooms, anyone?). Getting high is one of the best ways to experience the fun and creativity of a game, as any kid who's tried it knows.

Posted by toad on March 11, 2009 at 5:02 PM