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Monday, February 23, 2009

Life Today in Anonymous Gratitude

Posted by David Schmader on Mon, Feb 23, 2009 at 9:38 AM

Sent yesterday to I, Anonymous:

Dear Sperm Donor,

You were probably from Washington or Oregon, and will, hopefully, read this. Your bio-daughter is two and a half years old today. Thank you for allowing us the amazing, awesome, magnificent privilege of raising this incredible person. She is smart as a whip, funny, outgoing and dangerously fearless. She loves music, swinging, the moon and stars, reading, socializing, gym, playing with her wooden train set and drawing. She is the absolute best kid EVER. (Our apologies to all other parents/children, but it's true.) You have no idea—not even an inkling—of the amazing gift you have given to us. Thanks for tossin' one off for folks like us.

Sincerest and Eternal Love and Thanks,
Her Parents

P.S.: She has your gorgeous eyes. (And did we mention smart?)

Comments (17) RSS

Oldest First Unregistered On Registered On Add a comment

No, MY kids are the best ever. In yr face, anonymous!

Posted by Matt from Denver on February 23, 2009 at 9:40 AM

that was my sperm.

Posted by jameyb on February 23, 2009 at 9:46 AM

a kid with parents that mawkish will wish she had never been born

Posted by Go away! 'Batin'! on February 23, 2009 at 9:48 AM

I think I'm going to puke.

Posted by Fifty-Two-Eighty on February 23, 2009 at 10:02 AM

the barren hipsters posting have no idea that the letter is very accurate, as it tell the story of my daughter Peggy. From birth she was as happy as a lark, reading at three, potty trained with one explanation -- in sum -- the perfect child. We have had our own language, chirrping and chortling back and forth since she was too small to sit ...

She went to college, did two degrees, learned to drink beer, little else - gave condoms out to half the girls on campus (dads project) and -- several years after graduation married a guy she met there. They are deeply in love - one can tell - many plans for the future.

Now I have two darling grand babies, he makes a ton of money so they live very well, and gay grand poppa gets to enjoy weekends ....

Good genes, good attitude, health, love and some basic in touch with the good stuff in life ... seems to work.

Posted by Aaron on February 23, 2009 at 10:19 AM

and to think those lesbians swore that i would never get my sperm inside them.

Posted by Dick Insydher on February 23, 2009 at 10:20 AM

Gee, how nice. My letter to my sperm donor goes like this: Fuck you, you fucking asshole. My son is better off without you in his life. He's a bright and wonderful kid -- nothing at all like you, you fucking jerk! You're doing him a favor by staying out of his life.

Posted by Cat in Chicago on February 23, 2009 at 10:30 AM

@ 7, sounds like this sperm donor made his donation directly to you...

Posted by Matt from Denver on February 23, 2009 at 10:34 AM

Thank you, my sperm donor, for ruining another warm washcloth.

Posted by tomasyalba on February 23, 2009 at 10:41 AM

Attention breeders. Keep your starry-eyed perfect baby-love bullshit to yourself or I will be forced to exterminate you all.

Your child is no more or less special than every other person on the entire planet. Congratulations on accomplishing nothing important whatsoever. Now fuck off and enjoy your awesome special perfect worthless meatbag someplace else.

Posted by G. Tarkin on February 23, 2009 at 11:02 AM

Here's the great thing, @10. None of us parents give a fuck what you think of us and our kids. We write these things for each other, and for people who appreciate kids. Within 10 words in your post we all realized you were just one of those people who just don't get it, and if there's one thing parents can do well it's ignore extraneous noise.

Posted by Big Sven on February 23, 2009 at 11:26 AM

@10: What makes you think the letter writer was a breeder? The only people I know that have used sperm donors are lesbians.

Posted by Kalakalot on February 23, 2009 at 12:17 PM

@12 - um, I don't have my Homo Dictionary in front of me right now, but doesn't a lesbian that uses a sperm donor become a breeder? Isn't that the idea?

Posted by cdc on February 23, 2009 at 12:34 PM

this is gawddamned adorable and all of you with bitter black sour hearts can suck it.

Posted by whiskeypony on February 23, 2009 at 1:39 PM

thanks for posting, David. This made me smile

Posted by benten. on February 23, 2009 at 2:42 PM

A 2.5 year old really shouldn't be swinging. That's in appropriate at that age. I think you should be monogamous until at least 5. I hope the kid's at least using protection.

Posted by Colin on February 23, 2009 at 2:50 PM

@16: it's only a problem if he's British.

Posted by Big Sven on February 23, 2009 at 2:59 PM