This Week on Drugs has a strict policy: No sports stars caught with pot. They plea, they grovel, the game goes on, and there are no consequences. Take Santonio Holmes. He was caught with pot last fall, but then he apologized, he caught the winning Super Bowl pass, and, voila, redemption and riches. But this weekāas if you hadnāt heardāa photograph exploded of Michael Phelps taking a bong hit. And it's news! Big news. Because heās really, really famous. And, unlike most sports stars caught with pot, heās white. And thereās a lot of money riding on his sloppy smile. This time, getting caught with pot, despite apologies, has consequences. So this week on drugs, we make an exception.
Phelpsāwe learned almost immediatelyāis not a dignified, steadfast Atlas; heās a sniveling, groveling tool. Quicker than he could do the butterfly across a pond, he apologized to the world for taking that bong hit, saying, āI engaged in behaviour which was regrettable and demonstrated bad judgment.ā But what he was really saying is that losing corporate sponsorships would be "regrettable." Losing that money would be "regrettable." But he aināt sorry that he smoked pot. If smoking pot made him sorry, he would have realized itāand stoppedābefore he graduated from taking little puffs like a novice pot smoker to huffing Olympic-sized glass bongs at parties. Nobody starts out ripping giant bong loads. Heās a pot smoker. Heās not sorry; heās sorry he got caught. Heās sorry he would lose a breakfast-cereal sponsorship. Corn Flake, indeed.
Heās also not sorry about the impression this leaves on fans. The USA Swimming team said people had looked up to him, āespecially young athletes who have their own aspirations and dreams." Hereās the implication the swimming team makes and Phelps's apology upholds: If you smoke pot, you canāt grow up to be a great athlete, star, success, etc. Wellālo and fucking beholdāyou can. Phelps proved it. Almost. But he apologized and ruined any dignity he had left. Heās banned from swimming for three months. He lost his Kelloggās contract for $1 million. He lost his Subway sponsorship.
Now, pot activists are boycotting Kelloggās to support Phelps. But Iām not. Iām gonna stuff my face this weekend with Frosted Flakes. And I'd rather boycott anything that uses Phelpsās cowardly mug to sell its product. About one-third of the country has smoked pot, and those stoners who act like it's a sin are part of the reason we're so reluctant to fix pot laws that waste of money, distract police resources, and put ordinary folks in jail. More people should come forward like many of these 35 celebrities who smoke pot. We donāt need to invigorate the plights of sniveling-spineless-coward pot smokers. Weāve got enough already, thanks.