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Monday, February 2, 2009

??!! / Homo / Wilderness It's Official!

Posted by Lindy West on Mon, Feb 2, 2009 at 5:36 PM

It is my sad duty to announce that I am finally bored by stories about animals who love each other. A labrador who snuggles with some tigers? Over it. A baby owl who thinks a carrot is its mom? WHATEVS. A hippo and a turtle who are best fwiends? 'Kaaay.

But wait, says Paul Constant. You are remembering it wrong. That hippo and that turtle from back in 2004 weren't best fwiends—they were homosexual lovers! And interspecies gay lovers are still totally interesting!

But wait, says I. What ARE you talking about, Paul Constant? From National Geographic:

The strength of a unique male bond between a young hippopotamus and a 130-year-old tortoise will be tested later this spring when conservation workers introduce a female hippo to the mix.

While other tortoises, monkeys, and antelope roam in that enclosure, Mzee has shown no affection toward any of them. But he has surprisingly become attached to the young hippo, Owen.

For now, the hippo and tortoise are best buddies.

I see no evidence of interspecies pederastic intercourse in this article. Can't two dudes hang out without it being a gay thing? So an elderly tortoise wants to pal around with a baby hippo. So what?

Let's settle it:

What IS the deal with the hippo and the turtle? And do you care anymore?

Comments (21) RSS

Oldest First Unregistered On Registered On Add a comment

Lindy, tell me you know about http://fuckyoupenguin.blogspot.com/ !

Posted by Anna on February 2, 2009 at 5:57 PM

I was all "they're hetero BFFs" until I read the last option.

Posted by Julie in Eugene on February 2, 2009 at 6:15 PM

didn't they say that gay marriage would lead to this interspecies thing

Posted by D. Rand on February 2, 2009 at 6:36 PM

best slog poll ever

Posted by onion on February 2, 2009 at 6:44 PM

Wow, you're so wacky and clever and random. Is that why you're queen of the kids table?

Posted by You on February 2, 2009 at 6:45 PM

@5 I hope to one day sharpen my wit and improve my skills at the foot of the master--which is obviously you, considering your comment is THE MOST CLEVER THING I HAVE EVER READ ON TEH INTERNETZ HANDS DOWN.

ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ

Posted by Fyodor Dostoevsky on February 2, 2009 at 6:52 PM

Lindy West, you are making me pee in my pants. And I'm not incontinent.

Posted by Incontinentia Buttocks on February 2, 2009 at 7:47 PM

I thought it was a gay inter-species adoption story. The turtle, used to being a confirmed independent bachelor, adopted the hippo when the bio parents left it in foster care.

I'm surprised the Westboro Church hasn't picketed the zoo, demanding the hippo be adopted by the local heterosexual elephant couple.

Posted by yucca flower on February 2, 2009 at 7:48 PM

Lindy West does the best polls on Slog, I wish Lindy West was my hetero BFF.

p.s. @1, Fuck You Penguin is awesome.

Posted by PopTart on February 2, 2009 at 7:53 PM

I'm cool with the interspecies thing, but the age difference? Sick, sick, sick!!!

Posted by Chris down in The Couv on February 2, 2009 at 8:12 PM

Oh, Lindy. I'd be the baby hippo to your elderly tortoise any time. Hearts!

Posted by tabletop_joe on February 2, 2009 at 8:39 PM

Lindy is the best thing to have ever happened to the Stranger. EVER!!!

Posted by abomb on February 2, 2009 at 9:07 PM

What 7, 9, 11 and 12 said. Lindy RULES.

Posted by this guy I know in Spokane on February 2, 2009 at 10:04 PM

You are so animal-gay, Lindy.

Posted by laterite on February 2, 2009 at 11:36 PM

Hmmmmm. Seems you have nailed down the Slog commentators, their words and styles, more than little hippos and their tortoise LOVERS!

Posted by Vince on February 3, 2009 at 6:51 AM

Ask Brody Jenner

Posted by andoodoo on February 3, 2009 at 7:09 AM

dude, seriously, wtf?

Posted by Mike in MO on February 3, 2009 at 8:11 AM

A Stranger staffer who's not animal friendly. What a shock.

Posted by eric on February 3, 2009 at 9:43 AM

A reactionary Slog commenter who reads whatever he wants into a post, missing the point entirely so he can bitch. What a shock.

Posted by julie on February 3, 2009 at 9:54 AM

Lindy, you're possibly the only person in the world that can alleviate my cynicism and bad moods. The only thing about you that pisses me off is that you don't post as much, or more, than Dan.

Posted by Ed on February 3, 2009 at 10:02 AM

The hippo is a social animal. The tortoise is a slow non-social animal that doesn't care enough and/or is too slow to get away. All of the love is occuring in the hippo half of this coupling. Just as I imprinted the beautiful, muscular, well-hung, naked man I saw weighing himself in the locker room at the YMCA as a 4-year-old, the young male hippo has imprinted on the tortoise. The hippo is now a tortoisexual. It is possible that it's could be just bi-tortoisexual, and can still bond with members of it's own species or opposite gender, or maybe hippos have a 'Pray the tortoise-gay away retreat this poor zoobound adolescent can go to.

Posted by toasterhedgehog on February 3, 2009 at 5:01 PM