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Monday, February 2, 2009

Actual Mikes Jones Parts With Acrylic Mike Jones

Posted by on Mon, Feb 2, 2009 at 12:15 PM

I almost hate to post this as some commenters will surely seize the opportunity to kick the shit out of Mike Jones one more time, but Jones asked me to help spread the word about his listing at eBay:


My name is Mike Jones of the Ted Haggard saga. I have come to a point where I have to part with one of my most cherished possessions. A portrait of myself that I was hoping to keep as a reminder as I reach my golden years in my life, to remind me of what I used to look like. But because of personal circumstances with the changes in my life, I must part with this.

He's asking $500 for the painting, and he'll toss in a signed copy of his book.

Jones, of course, is the male escort who outed evangelist Ted Haggard. I'm not sure what could or should be done for Jones. He was on the verge of aging out of his profession before he outed Haggard, but by going public with his story—which was absolutely the right thing to do—Jones made himself virtually unemployable. And while Haggard is currently being paid by HBO to work the contrition circuit—Larry King, Oprah, a million print interviews—Jones sits in Denver, unemployed and suffering both emotionally and financially. Haggard says he's thankful that Jones came forward, and that he's sorry for the pain he's caused him. Maybe Ted could use some of HBO's money to buy the painting. It would be a nice gesture and Ted would get a little keepsake out of it.


Comments (44) RSS

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why is so much gay shit so gawdawful tacky?
Posted by TV told me fags had good taste... on February 2, 2009 at 12:20 PM · Report this
This should be in the Louvre.
Posted by 500 is a total steal on February 2, 2009 at 12:24 PM · Report this
I don't what is funnier, the fact the he wants $500 for the steaming pile or the fact that he intended to keep it forever.
Posted by kits on February 2, 2009 at 12:28 PM · Report this
I think it's sad.
Posted by SeattleExile on February 2, 2009 at 12:28 PM · Report this
What, no "Currently Hanging" header??
Posted by rob on February 2, 2009 at 12:30 PM · Report this
Posted by tomasyalba on February 2, 2009 at 12:35 PM · Report this
Posted by pg on February 2, 2009 at 12:35 PM · Report this
Oh yeah, if I had an extra $500 plus crating and international shipping charges, I'd donate it to the Vatican--where it would doubtless disappear into the apartment of some high apostolic wanker.
Posted by rob on February 2, 2009 at 12:39 PM · Report this
Looks like Kurt Warner.
Posted by DOUG. on February 2, 2009 at 12:40 PM · Report this
@ 1 - Believe me, straight people have no monopoly on tacky. I've seen gay guys' houses that are decorated like they're in the Court of Louis XIV.

My ex did a watercolor of me in the nude, back when I was a semi-hot thirtysomething, it's much better than this could-have-been-on-black-velvet horror. And, unlike Mr. Jones' physique, I ain't no great shakes.
Posted by Chris down in The Couv on February 2, 2009 at 12:43 PM · Report this
What's the deal with male homosexuality and sex anyway? Is there evidence the gay brain is wired differently in that area or is just that the typical male sex drive is easier to satisfy when you are gay?
Posted by Bryan on February 2, 2009 at 12:46 PM · Report this
The acne scars that he has now would have always been there, so why are they left out of the paining?


for the same reason his pecs look like....oh man I can't even think of an analogy that exists in the physical world.
Posted by Non on February 2, 2009 at 12:48 PM · Report this

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Posted by ... on February 2, 2009 at 12:48 PM · Report this
@11: Whaaaaat?

Also, did Mike Jones ever look like that?

And how unwisely did he spend all his press-whore money that he has to sell his belongings?
Posted by Shelby on February 2, 2009 at 12:48 PM · Report this
buy it Dan, buy it.

In your offices it will be a real addition, as your offices look like shit

for you, bet he will take 400.00

tax deduction as furnishings, tell Keck
Posted by Alec on February 2, 2009 at 12:51 PM · Report this
the consummate whore

of his services and his goods
Posted by Lake on February 2, 2009 at 12:52 PM · Report this
11, perhaps this exchange from "The Beard" episode of Seinfeld might help you understand:
"Elaine: Well here's the thing. Being a woman, I only really have access to the, uh... equipment, what, thirty, forty-five minutes a week. And that's on a good week. How can I be expected to have the same expertise as people who *own* this equipment, and have access to it twenty-four hours a day, their entire lives.

Jerry: You can't. That's why they lose very few players.

Elaine: Yeah, I guess I never really stood a chance."

Also, I feel bad for Mr. Jones. He deserves better, but I also can't see anyone really wanting that painting, or paying $500 for it.
Posted by Rob in Baltimore on February 2, 2009 at 12:59 PM · Report this
Mamas don't let your babies grow up to be butt-whores
Posted by kinaidos on February 2, 2009 at 1:07 PM · Report this
Hi Mike. Thank you for your efforts to expose the reverend. I'll bet at least half of the people that trash you have hired sex workers at some point.
Posted by Heather on February 2, 2009 at 1:07 PM · Report this
Every gay boy should have a picture of himself in his 'prime'.
Cause when he hits thirty and is no longer beautiful and buff the 'Lifestyle' is going to throw him in the trash.
And he may want to have something to remind him of the 'good' times.
Posted by chad on February 2, 2009 at 1:19 PM · Report this
@ 11 - Very valid questions, Bryan, and ones that many gay guys are afraid to answer, lest they appear like "sex maniacs." They push this sugar-coated idea that we're exactly like straight guys, except that our attractions are directed towards guys instead of women. That's not really true.

Yes, I think gay guys DO think about sex more often than straight guys. There are a couple of things at work here. First, as you suggested, it's easier to find someone to relieve one's sexual tensions with than it is for straight guys, simply because it's two guys instead of a guy and a gal, and guys are generally more receptive to the idea of "just having sex" than women are.

Second, gay people are forced to think about their sexuality more often than straight people. This is because we're in the minority in terms of sexuality; I'll bet black people think about being black more often than white people think about being white, same kind of deal. And thinking about one's sexuality leads very easily into thinking about sex.

There's also some overcompensation at work here, too: many gay men react to societal taboos on homosexuality, and sexuality in general, by swinging wildly in the other direction, and wind up spending all weekend in a bathhouse, something a straight guy (if there were straight bathhouses) probably wouldn't do. Like Mr. Savage says, most straight guys don't get enough sex, and most gay guys get too much. I don't know how you judge "enough" and "too much", but there's a lot of truth in his statement.

All of this stems, I think, from our roots. The dominant culture in America, that is, white "culture," was created by the intensely religious, intensely sex-negative Puritans. It is, as white people, the legacy we're left with, and we deal with it in any number of ways, some of them healthy and some of them not so healthy. I've noticed that Latino culture is very different in this respect. Even though they're intensely Catholic, they have, I think, a much healthier attitude towards sex and their bodies. We, as white people, with our cultural blinders, see this as Latinos being very "sexy," or even "over-sexed."
Posted by Chris down in The Couv on February 2, 2009 at 1:21 PM · Report this
OK, this is what I'd do if I were that mouse Savoir Faire (who is gay): I'd take down the portrait of Mao Tiananmen Square and put this up instead. Then I'd snap my fingers and go, "Savoir Faire is everywhere!" and run off.
Posted by Make this happen OK? on February 2, 2009 at 1:24 PM · Report this
The Stranger frat boy contingent sure can be -phobic and insecure.
Posted by cracked on February 2, 2009 at 1:32 PM · Report this
I feel sorry for Mike. I think he did the right thing exposing Haggard, and in thanks lost his employment (such as it was) and has been dissed by the gay community, and ignored by the same media that has fawned over Haggard's comeback tour (gag me!).

Still, no matter how sorry I feel for Mike, I wouldn't give him $5 for that ugly ass painting. Eww.
Posted by Reverse Polarity on February 2, 2009 at 1:34 PM · Report this
I think I'll get it for my wife.
Posted by sensitive heterosexual guy on February 2, 2009 at 1:39 PM · Report this
Did Mel from Flight of the Conchords paint that?
Posted by dangerkitty5000 on February 2, 2009 at 1:40 PM · Report this
I feel bad for the guy, I really do. But jeezus what kind of ego do you have to have in order to even consider a painting like this of yourself?!

When I was in HS there was a girl who had pictures of herself in a bikini adorning her binder.

Same shit at work - I just thought that post-high school, some of that vanity falls away and you turn into a regular person. Obviously I was wrong.
Posted by get the fuck over yourself on February 2, 2009 at 1:42 PM · Report this
Y'know what? Ted Haggard would still be head of the National Evangelical Association, busy bashing gays, and the head of a mind-bendingly backward church if it weren't for Mike Jones. Wrong religion, but some of you extremely unkind and nasty-bitch posters ought to be a little more wary of Karma. Geez.
Posted by Balancement on February 2, 2009 at 1:56 PM · Report this
The Queer Church is just as hateful, bigoted and narrow minded as any of the other cults it flatters itself to think it is superior to.
Posted by did you follow that? on February 2, 2009 at 2:07 PM · Report this
Huh? What did I miss? (And Goddammit, who the fuck woke me up?)
Posted by Fifty-Two-Eighty on February 2, 2009 at 2:09 PM · Report this
@19 - Right on! Furthermore I bet none of the trashers ever lifted a finger to bring up the community than tear down one of its members. Interesting that every attack is a personal nature - none is based on anything objective. Jones did more for glbt rights by outing Haggard than HRC did in any one year!
Posted by Waffles on February 2, 2009 at 2:10 PM · Report this
Sad what has become of Mike Jones. But speaking from someone who was homeless for several months 8 years ago; if you make bad choices you have to correct those choices. No one will honestly give a shit about you. The only person who really cares and has a stake in your survival is the person staring at you in the mirror.
Posted by Publius on February 2, 2009 at 2:20 PM · Report this
I feel bad for you, Jones. :-(

We're in a bad recession on top of everything, so it might be hard to get a buyer. We know Ted doesn't want anything to do with the painting.
Posted by Cory on February 2, 2009 at 2:28 PM · Report this
#12 - you've got a point about the exaggerated nature of that painting, but if you remember the details of Haggard case, those might not be acne scars.
Posted by Dougsf on February 2, 2009 at 2:40 PM · Report this
part of me does feel bad for the guy, but sex workers have a lot in common with dairy products...they should be taken off the shelf before their expiration date.
Posted by michael strangeways on February 2, 2009 at 2:41 PM · Report this
so ted was a hypocrite. so are we all in one way or another. though we are not all gay, i doubt we would like our dirty laundry and dirty little secrets outed for the world, no matter who we are or what we do. this guy was providing a service and getting paid. you out him, guess what, you're outed too. now everyone's upset about who is getting attention. what was mike expecting, ticker tape parades and nike endorsements? does no one watch what happens at the end of this stuff? it's always the mistress, prostitute, gay lover, church secretary who ends up worse off than the cheater, john, closeted gay, or preacher. he'll have to do what the others did, find a second act and stop making a public spectacle of yourself. my God. he is not innocent. he's a drug dealing prostitute - but because he is gay and outed a hypocritical minister, he's a heroic whistle blower. GMAFB.
Posted by Tired of It All on February 2, 2009 at 3:01 PM · Report this
Personally, I think everyone should have good black and white photos of themselves to remind them of "back in the days". Sorry, but the painting's pretty awful. If it was a photo, it'd have a better chance - because while that may be how he idealizes himself, that's not what he looks like. (I should point out that he does look better than that painting.)
Posted by wench on February 2, 2009 at 3:34 PM · Report this
He could always be a Sex-Advice Columnist.

Oh, wait...
Posted by Meeeeeeeeee Aaaaaand Mister... Mister Jones on February 2, 2009 at 3:37 PM · Report this
This is kinda sad. Ted Haggard shouldn't be doing better than Mike Jones...and he shouldn't get more respect either. (Ted does too! He gets called less vicious insults and more people feel sorry for him than Mike! Ewwww.) If I had the money, I'd buy it and send it to Peter La Barbara.
Posted by DILF on February 2, 2009 at 4:05 PM · Report this
John Water's would buy it.
Posted by laughatyourself on February 2, 2009 at 7:33 PM · Report this
@40 Haha, actually, I could believe that.
Posted by Cory on February 2, 2009 at 8:26 PM · Report this
Well it's obvious. Someone should buy it and give it back to him.
Thanks Mike!
Posted by BYU Bottom Boy on February 2, 2009 at 10:33 PM · Report this
#42 - YES!! Brilliant idea! If I could scrape together $200 I would do that. Clearly Jones wants to keep the picture, but he is hurting for money. Consider it a donation to a friend in need.

Overall, tho, longterm it would be nice if someone offers Jones a job. He's obviously very bright and skilled, he didn't have ANY help dealing with the media etc, he was on his own, I guess he learned it as he went along.
Posted by Waffles on February 2, 2009 at 11:29 PM · Report this
Fcuk the naysayers. Mike Jones did a wonderful thing for the gay movement (and the truth).
Posted by jkm on February 3, 2009 at 3:29 PM · Report this

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