A Few Words about the Inauguration, Abraham Lincoln, and the Word "Historic"
"In the hours before the historic swearing in under the historic sky on the steps of the historic United States Capitol, I ate some historic toast. That was the game all year, putting 'historic' in front of everything. The word began to sound suspicious, euphemistic, inexact..."

Megan Seling on a Very Urgent Matter
"The Washington State Legislature is about to make the most important decision of 2009. This decision has nothing to do with the viaduct or Sound Transit or education or arts budgets. No. What Washington lawmakers are poised to decide is whether or not the locally made, powdered-sugar-covered confection Aplets & Cotlets should be declared the official candy for the state of Washington. Food-loving people of the Pacific Northwest: We cannot let this happen..."

The Good, the Bad, and the Ridiculous: A Look at Pending Legislation in Olympia
"Believe it or not, taking a dump on the bus is not explicitly prohibited by state law..."

Dan Savage Defines "Saddlebacking"
Drumroll, please? Saddlebacking is "the phenomenon of Christian teens engaging in unprotected anal sex in order to preserve their virginities." Like so: After attending the Purity Ball, Heather and Bill saddlebacked all night because she's saving herself for marriage...

Bethany Jean Clement Wonders: Is the Cheapest Martini the Best Martini?
"According to a neon sign in the window, Von's Grand City Cafe & Martini-Manhattan Memorial has the best martini in town. Everybody knows neon doesn't lie..."

ALSO IN THIS WEEK'S ISSUE: Paul Constant hangs out with children who've written letters to Barack Obama; Lindy West misses the first half of the Children's Film Festival due to "some sort of walking-pneumonia situation"; Dave Segal on Master Musicians of Bukkake, "the logical successors to the Sun City Girls' pantheistic, panglobal, sonic headfuckery"; Charles Mudede and Larry Mizell Jr. on Oldominion; what's happening to SAM now that WaMu's gone; a review of the new book The Well-Dressed Ape: A Natural History of Myself; theater reviews; movie reviews; an inauguration-obsessed Last Days; and all the usual columns and calendars.