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News & ArtsWednesday, January 28, 2009
Film Here Is a Movie I Am Not at All Excited About Seeing
Posted by Paul Constant on Wed, Jan 28, 2009 at 11:03 AM
Defamer has the posters of the upcoming G.I. Joe movie. For me, there's only one question. Which is less exciting: The idea of seeing this movie, or the idea of seeing Transformers 2? I only saw Transformers because a friend of mine was excited about seeing it and it came out around his birthday. I can't believe enough people saw that piece of flashing, crashing shit to warrant a sequel.
1
Transformers was a huge box office hit and the pop airwaves are completely dominated by auto-tuned vocals. It's official. The robots have taken over the entertainment industry.
2
GI Joe will likely have more overt imperialistic tendencies, albeit with less consumerism. Not to be a whiny liberal, but the two are competing strands of manufactured consent, both of which are getting more and more grating to me as the social structure they purport to support circles the bowl.
On a more positive note, GI Joe may have more titties.
I dedicate this to C Muede.
On a more positive note, GI Joe may have more titties.
I dedicate this to C Muede.
3
Transformers was awesome in a huge, stupid movie sort of way. I just watched Eagle Eye hoping for more Even Steven greatness, and it was awful. Both bad movies, but at least Transformers was bad in a very entertaining way.
4
I can't believe Hollywood is allowing this mockery to take place! I mean, when you think about how faithful movie adaptations of other media usually are...
...
...oh, wait, nevermind. Look, I have three questions about this movie, in approximately descending order of priority:
1. Does shit get blown up real good?
2. Do Storm Shadow and Snake Eyes get at least one wire-fu martial arts battle?
3. Does that simpering Cobra Commander get his ass kicked?
Bonus points:
1. Do the stupid toy vehicles get updated with badass new looks?
2. Boobies.
Look, I like a "good" movie as much as the next guy, but my standard for blowing-stuff-up movies is very low as long as they look pretty and the dialogue isn't completely stupid. I quite liked Transformers. I am not in any way saying it was a good movie, but it was sure fun.
...
...oh, wait, nevermind. Look, I have three questions about this movie, in approximately descending order of priority:
1. Does shit get blown up real good?
2. Do Storm Shadow and Snake Eyes get at least one wire-fu martial arts battle?
3. Does that simpering Cobra Commander get his ass kicked?
Bonus points:
1. Do the stupid toy vehicles get updated with badass new looks?
2. Boobies.
Look, I like a "good" movie as much as the next guy, but my standard for blowing-stuff-up movies is very low as long as they look pretty and the dialogue isn't completely stupid. I quite liked Transformers. I am not in any way saying it was a good movie, but it was sure fun.
5
A little incentive to see G.I. Joe: Indie darling Joseph Gordon-Levitt is playing Cobra Commander! (I don't get that casting either, but hey ... at least he's an indie darling.)
6
Well, at least we won't have to worry about being annoyed by gratuitous product placement, since in this case the entire movie is one giant, steaming puddle of PP already.
7
You think this is bad? Just wait until the inevitable crossover -- G.I. Joe vs. Transformers. You know it's only a matter of time.
9
Transformers = Giant Exploding Robots = Awesome.
Duh.
GI Joe, though -- I don't know. Could be lame. Like Daredevil lame. Ray Park as Snake Eyes guarantees some good Kung Fu action, though. We'll see. Or not.
Duh.
GI Joe, though -- I don't know. Could be lame. Like Daredevil lame. Ray Park as Snake Eyes guarantees some good Kung Fu action, though. We'll see. Or not.
10
I still don't know what to make of this movie. I heard about it about a year ago, and was baffled. And yet, it makes sense in a weird way, for all the reasons folks have already cited -- live action fighting, hot women in skin-tight uniforms kicking ass in dim lighting (I call it the "Trinity Factor"), explosions, and that weird Hollywood brand of patriotism. Mixed with merchandising -- you can't forget the merchandising. I mean, come on, they made Street Fighter, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, and Super Mario Brothers into live-action movies; why not this? I can only hope there is some tragic rap song as the main theme. Though it will more than likely be some intense-sounding metal type song, a la "More Human Than Human" back in late 1990s, that was in every action movie trailer.
13
What, you mean this is actually going to be a real movie? In mainstream theaters? Cuz those posters make it look like a porno flick.
14
Transformers was one of the worst movies to have seen the flickering projector light of day. It's not good-bad. It's bad-bad.
I mean, wtf, an entire scene takes place in front of a gigantic blurred out burger king logo.
That movie raped my eyeballs.
I mean, wtf, an entire scene takes place in front of a gigantic blurred out burger king logo.
That movie raped my eyeballs.
15
Screw that noise! I want to see my live action O.S.I. movie! Shore Leave! Mile High! Col. Hunter Gathers! Doing battle with the nefarious agents of S.P.H.I.N.X. in the most violent way possible! Shooting everything that moves! "YO S.I.!!!"
Outgeek me now, beaches.
Outgeek me now, beaches.
16
I know we're all high and mighty about our film choices, but Transformers was a good movie.
It's target audience, teen boys and girls and those who grew up with Transformers on TV loved it.
For what it was, it was a lot better than you'd think, and it even had some positive messages buried inside.
It's target audience, teen boys and girls and those who grew up with Transformers on TV loved it.
For what it was, it was a lot better than you'd think, and it even had some positive messages buried inside.
18
I only saw Transformers because I was up late, stoned, hanging out at my brother's one night, and it was on television.
See, kids? Another reason to not do drugs. The choices you'll make ....
Anyway, I would probably do the same for GI Joe if they end up imitating the cartoon where nobody ever dies. You know, blow up the enemy jets and every single pilot manages to eject and land safely? Blow up the mechanized infantry and artillery and not a single footsoldier dies.
That, at least, would be something of a sick comedy.
Myself? I'm waiting on what I expect to be a godawful Dragonball live-action film.
Times like this, I actually think back to Hoosiers. I mean, how do these films get made? "Cletus musta owed you somethin' fierce."
Same thing I said about any of the Look Who's Talking films.
See, kids? Another reason to not do drugs. The choices you'll make ....
Anyway, I would probably do the same for GI Joe if they end up imitating the cartoon where nobody ever dies. You know, blow up the enemy jets and every single pilot manages to eject and land safely? Blow up the mechanized infantry and artillery and not a single footsoldier dies.
That, at least, would be something of a sick comedy.
Myself? I'm waiting on what I expect to be a godawful Dragonball live-action film.
Times like this, I actually think back to Hoosiers. I mean, how do these films get made? "Cletus musta owed you somethin' fierce."
Same thing I said about any of the Look Who's Talking films.
19
I'd actually much prefer a movie about shopping at GI Joe's sporting goods store. The one in Lynnwood, maybe. Yes, I know it's just called Joe's now.
20
I'm curious... Why is it that when I'm navigating from one national blog to another using the blogroll, (say from Americablog to crooks and liars, for instance) those webmasters choose to have you go directly to the new site, but when I use the blogrolls on most NW based blogs, ( say going from here to horses ass to Jesus' General), the web masters choose to have each new link open in a new window? Is it a NW thing? I'm asking because A) I'm curious, and B) the thought of a GI Joe movie makes me want to vomit.
21
I would rather have a stop-motion movie using the original 1960s-70s GI Joe Dolls & Barbies made by Parker & Stone.
22
@ Billy Nilly:
Sorry, you'll never see that movie because The Guild of "Collegiate Investors" has agents within O.S.I. that will prevent their escapades from ever appearing on the big screen. Plus I heard Shore Leave and Mile High totally went all psycho christian.
Check.
Sorry, you'll never see that movie because The Guild of "Collegiate Investors" has agents within O.S.I. that will prevent their escapades from ever appearing on the big screen. Plus I heard Shore Leave and Mile High totally went all psycho christian.
Check.
23
I grew up on transformers on TV and playing with the toys, and the Transformers movie sucked donkey balls. The animated Transfomers movie was 100x better.
A real GI Joe movie could be good. But I'm looking forward to another rape of my childhood.
A real GI Joe movie could be good. But I'm looking forward to another rape of my childhood.
25
I'm a total Doctor Who nerd so the only draw for me to see this film is that Christopher Eccleston is in it. I will probably catch this on DVD unless my partner drags me to it...
26
@25 beat me to it. =) Except that I'll pretty much go see anything with Christopher Eccleston in it at this point.
27
Ray Park as Snake eyes?! JGL as Cobra Commander? before I wanted to see it cause I was a child in the 80's, now I want to see it cause it sounds amazing!!!!!!!!
28
Transformers was horrible and boring and meaningless and ugly and had multiple "jokes" about urination and the movie pretended the giant robots had personalities but they didn't, they just made embarrassingly stupid quips and at the end I didn't know which giant robot I was supposed to be rooting for or why because I had spent the last twenty minutes or so thinking about other things and WHY AM I SUPPOSED TO GIVE A SHIT ABOUT THESE GIANT ROBOTS WHY DOESN'T SOMEONE JUST PROGRAM THE BAD ONE TO BE A NICE ROBOT INSTEAD OR SOMETHING THEY'RE JUST ROBOTS
29
Hollywood should find a way to rig theaters showing movies like this and Transformers to gently and quietly sterilize the patrons for the good of the genepool...
32
@29: You could put mumps-infected blankets on the theater seats. Or open with a porn short that makes everyone gay.
Will both these movies feature battle action in Muslim countries?
Will both these movies feature battle action in Muslim countries?
33
The thing is, Stephen Sommers has made two of the greatest stupid movies of all times: The Mummy and Gunmen. But he seems to be one of those directors whose product quality is inversely proportional to the funding available to him.
So this one will suck ass, I guess.
So this one will suck ass, I guess.
34
There are different levels of film. Some are serious art, commentary of social issues, romance, and class. Others are about robots, space ships, and kung-fu. They cannot be judged in the same ways.
Last night I had a few people over to my house to watch the notorious movie CRANK. That film is genius in some ways, ridiculous in others, and downright stupid in more. But it's a good film.
Transformers is the same way. G.I. Joe, however, looks to be completely wrong-headed.
Early script reports say that they're not a "real American hero," but rather a multi-national special ops team based out of Brussels. That blows.
36
If this is following recent comics plot development, Cobra is a domestic fascist, Cobra Commander is a car salesman who's pissed at immigrants.
38
@29, yeah that will show all the kids who like to watch shit like this.
There is nothing wrong with these types of movies because they ARE MADE FOR TEENAGERS.
Trashing transformers doesn't make you sound smart. It makes you sound like a dumbass who for some reason wastes his time complaining about a kids movie.
There is nothing wrong with these types of movies because they ARE MADE FOR TEENAGERS.
Trashing transformers doesn't make you sound smart. It makes you sound like a dumbass who for some reason wastes his time complaining about a kids movie.
39
Guaranteed spin off--Snake Eyes vs. Storm Shadow, and it will be fucking awesome! Also im wondering if they are going to shoot red and blue lasers at each other with incredible inaccuracy?
41
But there are good movies for teenagers, and Transformers wasn't one of them. Transformers wasn't interesting or well-written. It was awful. Why does being a teenager equal "you deserve a shitty movie?"
Also, I think these movies are nostalgia products intended for adults who watched these movies as kids. They are certainly not teenagers now.
Teenagers went to see it because it was a big dumb action movie, but it wouldn't have gotten made without the nostalgia factor.
Also, I think these movies are nostalgia products intended for adults who watched these movies as kids. They are certainly not teenagers now.
Teenagers went to see it because it was a big dumb action movie, but it wouldn't have gotten made without the nostalgia factor.
42
Sounds like Paul Constant is bitter because he didn't get a preview copy of the novelization based off the original screenplay. Sucks for you that you didn't enjoy it. It's called a popcorn movie for a reason. It doesn't have to be X-Men 2, it just had to feature gigantic robots blowing each other up.
43
Paul, you are aware that action movies based on toys and cartoons should be flashy and crashy right? I liked Transformers a lot for what it was. But I agree this GI Joe looks stupid. The biggest name they could get is Dennis Quaid? AND its directed by the same guy who did "The Mummy" series which automatically disqualifies me from liking it.
-Scott Moran
-Scott Moran
44
Whose heart and loins are so dead that they do not want to see The Baroness slink across a bigass screen?
45
WTF?COMPAREING TRANSFORMERS TO G.i JOE? COMPARE IT TO I,ROBOT,IF ANYTHING,OH,BY THE BY,THEY ALREDEY MADE A DRAGONBALL FILM BEFORE THE 20 CENTURY FOX FILM:{NEW DRAGONBALL:THE LEGEND OF SHENLONG}LOOK IT UP BEFORE YOU SAY THE NEW FILM SUCKS AND THINK HARD!!!!
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