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Monday, January 26, 2009

Film Pick-axes and Low-Budget Elvis Costello

Posted by Lindy West on Mon, Jan 26, 2009 at 11:22 AM

ceb7/1232997697-200px-bloodyvalentine3dfinal.jpg I had been gently ignoring My Bloody Valentine 3D because I assumed it was a concert film from My Bloody Valentine the band, and a concert film in 3D is confusing, and anyway I don't even know what that band is. But it turns out, that's not the case at all. My Bloody Valentine 3D is actually a slasher movie about miners that's a remake of a 1981 slasher movie of the same name. Intrepid Film Intern Evan Stewart recently went to see My Bloody Valentine 3D. On purpose. I did not send him as some sort of fucked up punishment (I have no reason to punish Intrepid Film Intern Evan Stewart, as long as he continues to bring in bags of tiny adorable muffins). Anyway, he kind of liked it:

Before you enter the theater, you get the new version of 3D glasses. They aren't the classic cardboard red and blue affair, but chunky plastic black frames, like some kind of low budget Elvis Costello costume.

From the second the film starts, it is 3D. I mean, aggressively so. Instead of just a few 3D things blasting at your face every fifteen minutes, every single item on the screen is layered and popping out all over the place. Police questioning—IN 3D! Family arguments—IN 3D! I got tired of it after about half an hour, right around the time I started getting a wicked headache from seeing a 3D pick-axe hurtling at my face for the thirtieth time.

Without the 3D, this movie is probably not worth watching. I guess it depends on how much free money and time you have. But if you have an extra two hours and $12.50 lying around, you can go check out a movie that contains a killer miner impaling a dwarf with a pick-axe, then getting kicked in the face by a naked woman - IN 3D!

Sound like everything you've ever dreamed of and more? Showtimes here.

Comments (15) RSS

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My Bloody Valentine... Elvis Costello glasses... Elvis Costello covers... My Funny Valentine...

Accident? I think not.

Posted by LeslieC on January 26, 2009 at 11:33 AM

Are they like the glasses from Captain EO? Because if they are, I'm gonna start feeling really old.

Posted by snakes on January 26, 2009 at 11:35 AM

The only point of this movie is to take a girl to the movies and get scared together and then make out. Valentine's Day...Feb 28th...right?

That's why SLOG doesn't get it.

Posted by Holding Hands on January 26, 2009 at 12:00 PM

What's confusing about a 3-D concert movie? I've seen two now and enjoyed both very much.

Posted by Kirk Fontenot on January 26, 2009 at 12:01 PM

I enjoyed it, but agree about the headache factor: If you already wear glasses the 3D Costellos are big enough to fit over them but it adds to the eyestrain. Wear contacts if you can.

It was like watching a giant Viewmaster!

I'm not really sure about the plot though. It seemed ripe for alternate endings, since it could have gone at least three ways.

Posted by Jigae on January 26, 2009 at 12:15 PM

I'm going to assume you're joking when you say "I don't even know what that band is." If not, in the unlikely event that they ever happen to pass through following their most recent reunion, Please go and check them out.

Posted by j.lee on January 26, 2009 at 12:21 PM

Lindy, check out Loveless by My Bloody Valentine. Just do it. You can thank me later.

Posted by RatGirl on January 26, 2009 at 12:31 PM

@4: Really? Why does it need to be 3D? Do they throw picks at your face? Do they poke you with their drumsticks? I mean, I believe you, I just don't totally get it. But 3D almost always feels like an inconvenience to me, not an enhancement.

Posted by Lindy West on January 26, 2009 at 12:37 PM

Or you can ignore the overrated band and keep writing hilarious things about terrible movies instead.

Posted by Kerry on January 26, 2009 at 12:41 PM

When "Loveless" came out, none other than Brian Eno proclaimed them the future of Rock'n'Roll.

It didn't quite work out tha way, but if you haven't heard that album, yous a-doing yourself a disservice.

Posted by Keekee on January 26, 2009 at 1:28 PM

Dear Lindy,

Turn in your credentials and quit writing. Thank me later.

Or at least get educated in the realms of cinema and music first.

Posted by gtfo on January 26, 2009 at 1:40 PM

The band named themselves after that 1981 film.

Posted by erik on January 26, 2009 at 3:22 PM

@11 Fuck you, you stupid bag of dicks. What is that you do for a living, outside of eating 1000 balls forever?

Posted by Meags on January 26, 2009 at 4:16 PM

How can one be a bag of dicks? These criticisms are enlightening. Thank you Meags for your contribution to the internets. Blogs and their linked comments have led to the deterioration of the art of writing and critique, and there is no better example than with this post.

Posted by gtfo on January 26, 2009 at 4:29 PM

@14 Life is very serious. Nothing is funny. We should, at all times, be measured and composed. Everything we write should be Of Tremendous Value. That is, I imagine, WHY YOU COMPLAIN ABOUT THE QUALITY OF FUCKING BLOGS.

I am sure that if Dostoevsky had a commenting feature you would never stop reading Crime and Punishment. YOU STUPID BAG OF DICKS.

Posted by Meags on January 26, 2009 at 4:42 PM