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Friday, January 16, 2009

Life A Brush with Death

Posted by Charles Mudede on Fri, Jan 16, 2009 at 3:00 PM

It was not a special night. The usual drinking of wine, the usual listening to music, the usual catching up with the news. And now it was time for sleep. But before going to bed, I enter the bathroom, locate my toothbrush machine and the cap of a small tube of toothpaste in a coffee cup in the south corner of the medicine cabinet. I press the paste on the brush, turn on the machine, and vibrate every part of my gums and teeth. When done, I turn off the machine and lights, walk to the bedroom, crawl into bed, and look up at the not so special night. Almost instantly my mouth starts to feel funny. It goes dry like something under a roasting sun. But it's night and there's no heat in the room. My mouth more and more feels like aluminum foil heated by a roasting sun. I rush back to the bathroom, look at the toothpaste tube and see that it is in fact a tube of antifungal cream. (Water, rinse, spit; water, rinse, spit; water, rinse, spit.) And this is the point of my story: I call Poison Control because I fear the worst is about to happen. To my surprise, someone answers after the second ring. She assures me everything is fine; I will not get sick and die. The speed of the response amazes me. I go to sleep feeling how good it is to live in a society that mostly works.

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Charles,
Excellent account. America is indeed, a fine country. Not too many countries have Poison Control Centers. Glad you're all right.

Posted by lark on January 16, 2009 at 3:14 PM

at least you got rid of the fungus in your mouth

Posted by bud on January 16, 2009 at 3:17 PM

Well, at least it wasn't hemorrhoid cream or something.

Posted by Krissssss on January 16, 2009 at 3:18 PM

Nice post Charles.

Reminds of the time I fixed my morning granola in a low-lit room and quickly discovered that boxes almond milk and beef broth are the same color...........I didn't need to call poison control, though.

Posted by hartiepie on January 16, 2009 at 3:19 PM

Poison control will answer questions about things your dogs have ingested, too. They're totally set up for that.

The writing in this little post is great. Like the start to a short story I only wish existed.

Posted by Simac on January 16, 2009 at 3:29 PM

Oh more than once I have almost brushed my teeth with the acne cream on a very bleary morning.

Posted by E on January 16, 2009 at 3:31 PM

Ha Ha, that reminds me of the time my husband threw the dog his vitamin and popped the dog's pill...we called poison control, they said "not to worry, but you might chase your tail alot"

Posted by Gato22 on January 16, 2009 at 3:40 PM

I used to think Charles' pomposity was annoying as fuck, but the fact that he can write about brushing his mouth with antifungal cream--in front of blog readers, who as we all know, are by far the harshest critics--with the same pomposity he writes about Marxist economics makes me think maybe all his posts are just subtle displays of irony.

I'm going to read them as such from now on, and enjoy them to the fullest.

Posted by Dan on January 16, 2009 at 3:59 PM

You need a better-tasting toothpaste if you can't immediately tell the difference.

Posted by Fnarf on January 16, 2009 at 4:04 PM

@9, or at least a better-tasting antifungal.

Posted by There are some, you know on January 16, 2009 at 4:20 PM

Are you saying the Harare Poison Control Center takes at least three rings before answering?

Posted by Big Sven on January 16, 2009 at 4:21 PM

I felt the same intense love for my local Poison Control Center when I saw my 2 year old son holding an empty bottle of Dayquil (said bottle had a "childproof" cap that I must not have put on properly...). I knew the bottle had been no more than 1/3 full and PCC had me read the ingredients, tell them my son's height/weight, and then assured me that while he might be a bit wired or sleepy, he would be fine.

My fears were well-assuaged, then completely disappeared once the dog walked into the room, sporting bright trails of orange goo running from his nose down both sides of his face. Obviously the bulk of the bottle had been spilled on her!

Point being: parents: keep that poison control number handy.

Posted by Donna on January 16, 2009 at 5:24 PM

charles, please write more like this and forget everything else you've posted here.

Posted by thanks on January 16, 2009 at 5:40 PM

Once I accidentally did that with a tube of vagisil, eww.

Posted by not minty fresh on January 16, 2009 at 10:50 PM

Has your lamp shorted out, too?

Posted by Greg on January 17, 2009 at 8:58 AM

When I was a child and staying with grandpa, I used his tube of Brillcreame for toothpaste. I kept waiting for it to foam up as I brushed. Then I looked more closely and realized my mistake. Ew!

Posted by Vince on January 17, 2009 at 12:12 PM

this is the good life

Posted by Morgan on January 19, 2009 at 5:51 AM

Wow, impressive support for the Poison Center in the comments! Did you know the Gov's proposed budget would eliminate it?

Posted by WA ED Doc on January 20, 2009 at 11:44 AM