Slog
News & ArtsThursday, January 15, 2009
Life Jokes Aren't Funny
Posted by David Schmader on Thu, Jan 15, 2009 at 12:39 PM
...except when they are.
Proof: What feels like the only funny joke I've heard in about 15 years, the set-up of which is "What do spinach and anal sex have in common?"
Punchline after the jump.
What do spinach and anal sex have in common?
If you're forced to like them as a kid, you probably won't like them as an adult.
Thank you, joke-relayer Blake, and congratulations to whoever authored this miracle joke. Know that your creation is spreading joy the world over.
1
This joke is right up there with:
What is the difference between an oral and an anal thermometer?
The Taste.
What is the difference between an oral and an anal thermometer?
The Taste.
4
This joke is from a stand-up comedian whose name I can't place now. I have his CD in my car, it's hilarious. He was on comedy central three or four years ago (and likely didn't get to tell this joke). Sadly, with the way a good joke circulates the Internet, even a google search isn't pulling up the original author.
7
Yeah, it's actually not that funny. Something's off in the punchline...or maybe the setup. Usually a joke is structured as "what's the difference between" not "have in common." You have to think about it a little too much.
9
My current favorite joke: Why do women watch porn movies all the way through? Because they think there's going to be a wedding at the end!
14
That's pretty fucking funny. I have a good friend who drank too much at a work event and told the following joke to the assembled guests. "Whats the difference between a Jew and a pizza? Pizza doesn't scream when its put in an oven". She was fired the next day.
That my friends, is comedy gold.
That my friends, is comedy gold.
17
As a Jewish anal rape victim who is now a thermometer fetishist porn star, I find all these jokes hilarious.
18
@14: That is one of my favorite "worst" jokes. Another bad one is Q: What is the difference between a large pepperoni pizza and a black man? A: the large pepperoni pizza can feed a family of four.
/srry.
/srsly.
/srry.
/srsly.
19
Here's something plagiarized from the web:
Or one of the Sunday strips Calvin starts the conversation. "Isn't it strange that evolution would give us a sense of humor? When you think about it, it's weird that we have a physiological response to absurdity. We laugh at nonsense. We like it, we think it's funny. Don't you think it's odd that we appreciate absurdity? Why would we develop that way? How does it benefit us?" Then Hobbes answers, "I suppose if we couldn't laugh at things that don't make sense, we couldn't react to a lot of life." Then you see Calvin all by himself and he says, "I can't tell if that's funny or really scary."
I laughed at the Jew/Pizza joak instead of crying. It was the getting fired part that made it really funny.
Or one of the Sunday strips Calvin starts the conversation. "Isn't it strange that evolution would give us a sense of humor? When you think about it, it's weird that we have a physiological response to absurdity. We laugh at nonsense. We like it, we think it's funny. Don't you think it's odd that we appreciate absurdity? Why would we develop that way? How does it benefit us?" Then Hobbes answers, "I suppose if we couldn't laugh at things that don't make sense, we couldn't react to a lot of life." Then you see Calvin all by himself and he says, "I can't tell if that's funny or really scary."
I laughed at the Jew/Pizza joak instead of crying. It was the getting fired part that made it really funny.
21
I think commonality jokes can be good. One of my favorite horrifying jokes:
What does every battered woman have in common?
She wouldn't fucking listen.
another good one:
What's the best thing about having sex with twenty eight year olds?
There are twenty of them.
What does every battered woman have in common?
She wouldn't fucking listen.
another good one:
What's the best thing about having sex with twenty eight year olds?
There are twenty of them.
25
More Calvin:
http://img472.imageshack.us/img472/2469/…
Q: What's the best thing about taking a shower with a twelve-year old boy?
A: Slick his hair back and he looks like he's 8.
Q: What's the best thing about taking a shower with an eight-year old girl?
A: Turn her around and she looks like an eight-year old boy.
http://img472.imageshack.us/img472/2469/…
Q: What's the best thing about taking a shower with a twelve-year old boy?
A: Slick his hair back and he looks like he's 8.
Q: What's the best thing about taking a shower with an eight-year old girl?
A: Turn her around and she looks like an eight-year old boy.
26
always been a sucker for "what do you tell a woman with two black eyes?"
nothing! you already told her twice...
and a favorite of personal creation (i think gross rather than funny):
what do you call it when you eat out a girl with a yeast infection on her period?
pizza box
nothing! you already told her twice...
and a favorite of personal creation (i think gross rather than funny):
what do you call it when you eat out a girl with a yeast infection on her period?
pizza box
28
What's grosser than gross?
A pile of dead babies.
What's grosser than gross?
One still alive at the bottom.
What's grosser than gross?
It's trying to eat it's way out.
A pile of dead babies.
What's grosser than gross?
One still alive at the bottom.
What's grosser than gross?
It's trying to eat it's way out.
29
my current personal favorite is about the farmer who recently won a prestigious award....he was out standing in his field!
30
There's an amputee on a beach..She sees a guy and says"hey will you kiss me? I've never been kissed before.
He obliges.
She sees a 2nd guy and calls out "Hey, can I blow you...? I've never given head before."
He agrees.
So, she sees a 3rd guy and calls out "Hey, will you f@%k me? I've never been f@%ked before."
So, he picks her up, tosses her in the ocean and says "There...Now your f@%ked!"
What do you get when you mix Billy Ray Cirus with a yeast infection?
An itchy, twitchy twat.(a little dated, but it sure made me laugh in middle school)
He obliges.
She sees a 2nd guy and calls out "Hey, can I blow you...? I've never given head before."
He agrees.
So, she sees a 3rd guy and calls out "Hey, will you f@%k me? I've never been f@%ked before."
So, he picks her up, tosses her in the ocean and says "There...Now your f@%ked!"
What do you get when you mix Billy Ray Cirus with a yeast infection?
An itchy, twitchy twat.(a little dated, but it sure made me laugh in middle school)
31
@ c to the andice
How many dead babies does it take to paint a house?
Depends on how hard you throw them.
How many dead babies does it take to paint a house?
Depends on how hard you throw them.
32
A guy and a girl hook up in a bar.
He: Wanna go to my place?
She: o.k.
He: I have to warn you, I'm a little kinky
She:O.k. with me.
So they go home and fuck. Afterward they're in bed and she asks: What was so kinky about that?
He answers: I shit in your purse!
He: Wanna go to my place?
She: o.k.
He: I have to warn you, I'm a little kinky
She:O.k. with me.
So they go home and fuck. Afterward they're in bed and she asks: What was so kinky about that?
He answers: I shit in your purse!
33
First pretend it's 10 years ago (or whatever.)
Have you heard about OJ's new web site?
http:///////////////////////
Have you heard about OJ's new web site?
http:///////////////////////
36
"forced to like as a kid" just doesn't quite flow
how about instead
what do spinach and assholes have in common?
if you were forced to eat them as a child you probably don't like eating them as an adult
how about instead
what do spinach and assholes have in common?
if you were forced to eat them as a child you probably don't like eating them as an adult
37
What's the worst part about eating a bald pussy?
Having to put the diaper back on afterwards.
(told to me by a lesbian)
Having to put the diaper back on afterwards.
(told to me by a lesbian)
38
What's the difference between my pickup truck and my stepson?
I don't fuck my pickup in the ass while his mom's at bingo!
I don't fuck my pickup in the ass while his mom's at bingo!
39
Speaking of kinky, I met this totally hot woman at a bar the other night. We really hit it off and my van was parked out back, so we just hopped in and started going at it. She was pretty rough; she kept smacking me and digging her nails in, and finally she hopped out - in the buff - ripped the aerial off, then got back in and started whipping the hell out of me with it. It was the best sex I've had in a long time.
The next day I was pretty sore, which I expected. But for the next couple of days after that I felt worse and worse, instead of better, so finally I went to the doctor. He poked and prodded, and took some tests, and when he was done he looked over my charts and shook his head sadly.
"I'm sorry, Mr. Breklor," he said, "but this is the worst case of van-aerial disease I've ever seen..."
The next day I was pretty sore, which I expected. But for the next couple of days after that I felt worse and worse, instead of better, so finally I went to the doctor. He poked and prodded, and took some tests, and when he was done he looked over my charts and shook his head sadly.
"I'm sorry, Mr. Breklor," he said, "but this is the worst case of van-aerial disease I've ever seen..."
41
Reminds me of a CLASSIC you probably already have heard. I think I read on SLOG.
I like my women the way I like my scotch.
12 years old and mixed up in coke.
I like my women the way I like my scotch.
12 years old and mixed up in coke.
46
Just a few days after the Air Florida crash in Washington D.C. in 1982, a crazy friend of mine was telling Air Florida jokes. Two of my favorites:
What were the last things the pilot and co-pilot of Palm 90 said before take-off...
"What time is it?"
"4:30"
"Damn...that means we'll hit rush hour..."
And...probably the worst of the lot...
Q: What was the temperature of the Potomac River the day Palm 90 crashed?
A: 70 below.
What were the last things the pilot and co-pilot of Palm 90 said before take-off...
"What time is it?"
"4:30"
"Damn...that means we'll hit rush hour..."
And...probably the worst of the lot...
Q: What was the temperature of the Potomac River the day Palm 90 crashed?
A: 70 below.
47
Ohhhh, Mr. Schmader...
You know you can come to me when you can't remember who told a joke!!!
The butt sex/spinach joke is the work of Daniel Tosh.
(And I can see why Googlers found that difficult to track down...OH MY EYES!!!!)
You know you can come to me when you can't remember who told a joke!!!
The butt sex/spinach joke is the work of Daniel Tosh.
(And I can see why Googlers found that difficult to track down...OH MY EYES!!!!)
51
46: reminds me of the Challenger shuttle explosion in '84:
Q. Did you know the pilot had blue eyes?
A. One blew that way, the other blew that way.
Q. Did you know that the pilot had dandruff?
A. They found his head and shoulders on the beach.
Q. Did you know the pilot had blue eyes?
A. One blew that way, the other blew that way.
Q. Did you know that the pilot had dandruff?
A. They found his head and shoulders on the beach.
52
This one was on Slog not long ago:
Knock Knock
Who's there?
9/11
9/11 who?
YOU SAID YOU'D NEVER FORGET!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
9/11
9/11 who?
YOU SAID YOU'D NEVER FORGET!
53
These are just awful. If you laugh at these, you're going to hell:
This hillbilly girl asks says to her dad, "Daddy, can I have $50 to see Britney Spears?" Dad says, "Sure, but you'll have to suck my dick first." The girl says, "Okay," and dad whips it out. She's sucking away and then suddenly gags. "Daddy, your dick tastes like shit!" Dad says, "Oh yeah, I forgot. Your brother wanted to see Bruce Springsteen."
And another:
This kid looks up at his dad and says, "Daddy, what's a degenerate?" Dad says, "Shutup kid! Keep sucking!"
And:
This guy's watching TV when his eight year old son comes running in and says, "Dad, what's a pussy?" Well, Dad's a little taken aback and doesn't know what to say. So after thinking for a moment, he says, "Follow me, kid." He takes him to his bedroom, goes into the closet, and pulls out a Playboy from underneath some boxes. He opens it to the centerfold, and draws a circle around the centerfold's bush and says, "Everything inside the circle's a pussy." The kid says, "Oh," and then after a moment he asks, "What's a cunt?" Well, Dad's taken aback again, but after he thinks a moment he says, "Everything outside the circle's a cunt."
And finally, here's a couple of really lame 9/11 jokes:
Q. What's Osama bin Laden's favorite drink?
A. A kamikaze.
Q. What's the NYPD's favorite football team?
A. The New York Jets.
There was another one where the punchline is "it's raining men," but I forgot the first part.
This hillbilly girl asks says to her dad, "Daddy, can I have $50 to see Britney Spears?" Dad says, "Sure, but you'll have to suck my dick first." The girl says, "Okay," and dad whips it out. She's sucking away and then suddenly gags. "Daddy, your dick tastes like shit!" Dad says, "Oh yeah, I forgot. Your brother wanted to see Bruce Springsteen."
And another:
This kid looks up at his dad and says, "Daddy, what's a degenerate?" Dad says, "Shutup kid! Keep sucking!"
And:
This guy's watching TV when his eight year old son comes running in and says, "Dad, what's a pussy?" Well, Dad's a little taken aback and doesn't know what to say. So after thinking for a moment, he says, "Follow me, kid." He takes him to his bedroom, goes into the closet, and pulls out a Playboy from underneath some boxes. He opens it to the centerfold, and draws a circle around the centerfold's bush and says, "Everything inside the circle's a pussy." The kid says, "Oh," and then after a moment he asks, "What's a cunt?" Well, Dad's taken aback again, but after he thinks a moment he says, "Everything outside the circle's a cunt."
And finally, here's a couple of really lame 9/11 jokes:
Q. What's Osama bin Laden's favorite drink?
A. A kamikaze.
Q. What's the NYPD's favorite football team?
A. The New York Jets.
There was another one where the punchline is "it's raining men," but I forgot the first part.
54
There are maybe three fucking jokes on this page. The "shock" jokes for the most part just suck, and are the product of feeble minded bullies. If a joke is funny, any adult will laugh, no matter how shocking. Most of these stall at age 15 audiences.
55
Three tampons are walking down the street. You ask them what time it is. What do they say?
Nothing. They're stuck-up cunts.
Heard that one from a 16 y.o. girl.
Nothing. They're stuck-up cunts.
Heard that one from a 16 y.o. girl.
57
the world's best joke, according to the population of the UK:
A woman boards a bus with her baby in her arms. The bus driver says, "Lady, that is the UGLIEST baby I have EVER seen."
She's so taken aback she doesn't know what to do. She goes to the back of the bus and sits down, and she says to the guy seated next to her, "I can't believe the nerve of that bus driver! How could he talk to me like that?"
The guy next to her says, "Don't take that from him! You'll feel better if you just go right back up there and tell him off. Go on! I'll hold your monkey for you!"
A woman boards a bus with her baby in her arms. The bus driver says, "Lady, that is the UGLIEST baby I have EVER seen."
She's so taken aback she doesn't know what to do. She goes to the back of the bus and sits down, and she says to the guy seated next to her, "I can't believe the nerve of that bus driver! How could he talk to me like that?"
The guy next to her says, "Don't take that from him! You'll feel better if you just go right back up there and tell him off. Go on! I'll hold your monkey for you!"
59
Okay, I remembered one I posted a while back.
A businessman and a minister were golfing one day when the weather started to turn cloudy. A breeze came up as the businessman prepared to take his shot; when he swung, the ball hooked and went off into the rough.
"Goddamn fucking wind!" he shouted.
"You should be careful not to take the Lord's name in vain," cautioned the minister. "He punishes those who curse Him." As if to emphasize his words, the clouds above the two golfers darkened rapidly.
"Fuck God," said the businessman. "Not even he could finish this hole under par."
Just then, the skies parted and a brilliant bolt of lightning struck the minister, killing him instantly. The businessman was thrown on his back by the terrible thunderclap. As he struggled to get up, his ears ringing, there came a voice from the coulds:
"DAMMIT. ALWAYS THE MOTHERFUCKING SLICE," it said.
A businessman and a minister were golfing one day when the weather started to turn cloudy. A breeze came up as the businessman prepared to take his shot; when he swung, the ball hooked and went off into the rough.
"Goddamn fucking wind!" he shouted.
"You should be careful not to take the Lord's name in vain," cautioned the minister. "He punishes those who curse Him." As if to emphasize his words, the clouds above the two golfers darkened rapidly.
"Fuck God," said the businessman. "Not even he could finish this hole under par."
Just then, the skies parted and a brilliant bolt of lightning struck the minister, killing him instantly. The businessman was thrown on his back by the terrible thunderclap. As he struggled to get up, his ears ringing, there came a voice from the coulds:
"DAMMIT. ALWAYS THE MOTHERFUCKING SLICE," it said.
63
all right
what's 12 inches long and makes women scream all night long?
SIDS
how do you make a 4 year old boy cry twice?
wipe your bloody dick on his teddy bear
and here's one from back in the day
knock, knock
who's there?
amy fisher
amy fisher who
bang
(better if said aloud)
what's 12 inches long and makes women scream all night long?
SIDS
how do you make a 4 year old boy cry twice?
wipe your bloody dick on his teddy bear
and here's one from back in the day
knock, knock
who's there?
amy fisher
amy fisher who
bang
(better if said aloud)
64
Two people are having anal sex. It's their first time, and one turns to the other and says "This is excruciating!"
The other says, "My, that's a big word for a four year old!"
The other says, "My, that's a big word for a four year old!"
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