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Thursday, January 15, 2009

Games Dig Dug Wasn't the Only One

Posted by on Thu, Jan 15, 2009 at 12:36 PM

There were plenty of other sexually and morally challenged games of the '80s arcade that could have fueled Dan's advice career.

Pac-Man: Obvious choice. Swallow a bunch of little balls until you take a drug that gets you so zonked, you want to gobble up neon-coated dancers. For bonus points, eat fruit. Even better, the game was originally titled Puck-Man in the States, but too many punks tagged the cabinets to read Fuck-Man instead.

Donkey Kong: The first game to use sexual race-baiting jealousy as an incentive to keep playing. Save the white girl from the scary, kidnapping ape. It's a dumb stretch, but if it were true, it'd certainly fit in the long line of odd, pre-1990s Japanese takes on black culture.

Pole Position: ...heh

Joust: Whoever teabags the other guy with his phallus wins.

Space Harrier: Stare at a dude's ass while you help him blast white, glowing globes from his big gun.

Qbert: Four words... dick for a nose.

Ring King: The between-rounds boxing trainer gives your character head. Really:

In the original arcade version, the trainer scales back and merely gives your boxer a tug-job.

And then there's bizarre stuff like Devil World, a rare Nintendo clone of Pac-Man in which you pick up holy crosses to kill Satan, and Polybius, the urban legend of a game that hit Portland arcades and (if you buy the dumb story) either gave kids seizures or collected secret data for the government.

The '80s arcade—your one-stop shop for sexual, moral, and paranoid fodder.

 

Comments (12) RSS

Oldest First Unregistered On Registered On Add a comment
1
Ah, but what game explains his dislike for Bisexuals?
Posted by Someone's Name Here on January 15, 2009 at 12:45 PM
2
@1 Cammy from the original Street Fighter
Posted by Cindy on January 15, 2009 at 1:01 PM
3
What about the game, Mr. Do? He ate my 1984.
Posted by ROAG on January 15, 2009 at 1:04 PM
4
@2 You mean Super Street Fighter II.
Posted by Renton Mike on January 15, 2009 at 1:07 PM
5
I was going to say something about Cho Aniki, but sadly it doesn't fit into either the Arcade or 1980's category....

There's also Berzerk, where you use your joystick to shoot lasers at the enemies, all the while avoiding Evil Otto, a disturbing smiley faced creature who is attracted to the player and can penetrate walls with ease...

That may end up explaining more about the catholic church, in retrospect.

Posted by j.lee on January 15, 2009 at 1:11 PM
6
I was going to call this whole premise lame until I remembered how fucking horny I was in the 80s

how do you "teabag with a phallus"? am I doing it wrong?
Posted by Your Name Here on January 15, 2009 at 1:18 PM
7
Ms Pac-Man is way cooler than Pac Man.

Lost a lot of quarters playing that in my Army days.
Posted by Will in Seattle on January 15, 2009 at 1:39 PM
8
You're reading way too much into these games.
Posted by sirjorge on January 15, 2009 at 2:36 PM
9
This list is incomplete with the homoerotic and totally gay fighter for the SNES. Yes people I'm talking about Cho Aniki. Go look up some screenshots, that stuff is faglicious.
Posted by Westlake, son! on January 15, 2009 at 2:41 PM
10
@9: If I'd moved beyond '80s arcade titles, this list might never have ended.
Posted by Sam M. on January 15, 2009 at 2:59 PM
11
Cammy wasn't in the original Street Fighter or Street Fighter II. I believe she was introduced in Street Fighter II Turbo Edition.
Posted by dwight moody on January 15, 2009 at 4:17 PM
12
@11: She was intro'ed in Super Street Fighter II: The New Challengers. Though it's fair to mix it up, since Street Fighter II had about 500 editions.
Posted by Sam M. on January 15, 2009 at 5:56 PM

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