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Wednesday, January 14, 2009

Homo Advice for Gay Men

Posted by on Wed, Jan 14, 2009 at 11:15 AM

Years ago I answered a question in "Savage Love" from a gay kid being pressured into having anal sex without condoms. After it ran I heard from scads of HIV educators telling me that I was an idiot—and not just because the first part of my response beat up on one particular HIV educator and slammed others. Most HIV educators objected to my advice because it stigmatized anal sex, poz guys, promiscuity, etc., etc. But I heard from scads of folks working on the science side—AIDS researchers, epidemiologists, reporters covering AIDS—praising my advice, and wishing AIDS orgs would adopt it. Here's the kid's question...

I'm 20, gay, and I just moved to the big city. I'm good-looking, I guess, because really hot guys are always hitting on me. I don't actually like anal sex much, but I'm trying to learn. And that's the problem: Most guys I sleep with don't want to use condoms. How do I handle this? All gay guys want to have sex first before they'll think about dating. How can I avoid getting infected with HIV if no one I meet will use condoms?

Bright Kid, Big City

My advice for BKBC—and all gay men everywhere—is after the jump...

Any faggot who wants to fuck you in the ass without a condom is the LAST PERSON ON EARTH you should even consider having sex with—anal or otherwise, condoms or no condoms. Guys who pressure you into having sex without condoms are no doubt having unsafe sex with other people, which means that they're either infected already or will be shortly. If you don't want to get infected, your best course of action when a guy pressures you into having sex without condoms is to hand him his pants and show him the door.

I bet you're too smart to date a guy who told you in advance that he was gonna beat you to a pulp twice a week. You have too much self-respect to get involved with an abuser, right? Well, guys who tell you they want to fuck you without a condom are abusers, too. Pressuring a new partner into unprotected anal sex is an act of violence, and you should avoid these guys just like you avoid any other abuser. You know, we hear an awful lot about gay victims of hate crimes. But while the straight men who murdered Matthew Shepard or Brandon Teena get all the press, the vast majority of hate crimes being committed against gay men in this country are committed by other gay men. All the white trash in all the pickup trucks in all of Wyoming couldn't possibly do more harm to gay men than gay men like, oh, Mr. Watkins and the guys you've been meeting are doing to each other.

And since you don't particularly like anal sex, BKBC, I'd urge you to tell the guys you do decide to sleep with that you're not up for getting fucked. An aversion to anal sex when you're young and single and easily manipulated is something you might want to hold onto, BKBC, or even cultivate. Avoiding anal sex during your great-big-slut, just-coming-out, freedom-ring-wearing phase will greatly reduce your risk of contracting HIV and a host of other STDs. Then one day, with luck, you'll meet a nice guy who wants to take things slow—a guy who isn't a manipulative, selfish, barebacking piece of shit. (Or an HIV educator.) When you meet that guy, well, then you can explore anal sex in relative safety and comfort.

Don't get me wrong, BKBC: I'm pro-sex, pro-anal-sex, pro-one-night-stands, and not a big fan of monogamy. I like sexually adventurous people; I'm a sexually adventurous person myself. What I'm opposed to, however, is the idea that a 20-year-old should crack his ass open for any half-way decent-looking guy who come along. If you wanna go to sex clubs, that's fine. You wanna make out with strangers in backrooms? Suck a little dick? [Still risky, but much less so than anal.] Get sucked? Jerk some stranger off? Let him jerk you off? Fine, fine, fine. If skank turns your crank—and skank does turn some men's cranks—go be skanky. But you can be skanky and safe, and a good way to do that is to reserve your asshole for guys you feel somewhat serious about.

 

Comments (33) RSS

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1
Poz guys should be stigmatized.
Posted by Ryan White on January 14, 2009 at 11:24 AM
2
Looking forward to what comes out of the woodwork on this one...
Posted by cheeseititsthecops on January 14, 2009 at 11:32 AM
3
Great advice, still timely and necessary, but is that the reason you've reposted this?
Posted by TVDinner on January 14, 2009 at 11:33 AM
4
Your advice seems very sound. I am curious to learn if hiv educators for the most part differ with you about taking a no exceptions attitude about condoms and anal sex. Also what prompted this repost at this time?
Posted by Heather on January 14, 2009 at 11:37 AM
5
@1: No, Poz guys should not be stigmatized--nor should neg guys who want to stay negative and want to use protection to do so.

Poz guys should be careful, unselfish, considerate, understanding, and most of all, act responsibly. So should neg guys.

We all have the power to STOP new infections. Yes, condoms do break (especially when not used correctly), but compared to the number of new infections caused by simply not using a condom?

It's up to us, guys. Don't just ACT-Up. Grow up.
Posted by Andy Niable on January 14, 2009 at 11:42 AM
6
Thank you, Dan.
Posted by Jeremy on January 14, 2009 at 11:45 AM
7
That was soooo good - I remember appreciating that column very much! It is wonderful that you repost this on a day when you've also posted about seroconverting. A good day.
Posted by tomasyalba on January 14, 2009 at 11:47 AM
8
I can't imagine what the problem is with your advice. Sounds like some of your best advice ever and is 100% the best advice anyone could have given the kid in this situation.
Posted by Colin on January 14, 2009 at 11:47 AM
9
I remember reading this when it was published and I loved it! I still do. I loves me some DS...:)
Posted by PussyDunkinHines on January 14, 2009 at 11:54 AM
10
Egads! If someone is ever EVER going to have unprotected sex with someone they're not in a long-term monogomous relationship with it should not be when they've got a virgin ass that's going to get abbraised and irritated (I'm using delicate language here) during the deflowering. That's just a welcome mat for HIV/AIDS if the partner is infected.

And how Dan's advice that anal sex should be a dessert and not a main course in the casual sex menu "stigmatizes" anal sex is beyond me. Doesn't that technically elevate anal sex in stature since it's not an everyday thing? Plus it's hardly stigmatization to rightly point out anal sex carries greater risks of infection than oral sex.
Posted by stuck in boston on January 14, 2009 at 12:00 PM
11
He posted it to reinforce that he is right (which he is) after the flak he's been getting on the serosorting and new STD statistics post, #3
Posted by Non on January 14, 2009 at 12:00 PM
12
I wonder if the kid took the advice or if he bowed to peer pressure and is now poz?
Posted by danindowntown on January 14, 2009 at 12:07 PM
13
ooh, I am glad I don't have your kharma, #1 post Ryan White, ya total f'ing creep. I am a non POZ guy that has weekly sex for over 13 years with a Poz guy and it's awesome.
Posted by JB on January 14, 2009 at 12:15 PM
14
"reserve your asshole for guys you feel somewhat serious about."

That's my policy, and, as a single gay man who leans toward being a bottom, it doesn't put a significant crimp in my fun in any way.
Posted by Chris down in The Couv on January 14, 2009 at 12:34 PM
15
Well, I've got a letter in the current "Savage Love" mail from a gay kid who isn't that into anal, so... I think I'll re-print this advice next week. This column originally ran in 2001, so there's a whole new crop of just-out kids who need to read it.
Posted by Dan Savage on January 14, 2009 at 12:49 PM
16
I'm HIV+ and I don't feel stigmatized by this. I wish someone had given me that advice when I was 20 something.

Well done, Dan.
Posted by monkey on January 14, 2009 at 12:54 PM
17
As a straight guy not too familiar with AIDS educators, the gay community, etc., I am not sure what there is that is objectionable to this advice. It seems a little like the Right's victimhood--you know when they say things like, "This isn't going to be popular with the media elite, but I love Christmas."
Posted by None on January 14, 2009 at 1:22 PM
18
Anal sex and vaginal intercourse are the most risky types of sex. No questions asked. There is a fine line to walk between using the risk of STDs to scare people into safe sex practices and not stigmatizing those who contract those STDs, I tend to err on the side of scaring! STDs are scary, because unless we are active in precautions, they spread. And they spread easiest through the direct exchange of fluids brought about by vaginal or anal intercourse, regardless of the sexuality involved. I still feel bad for and don't vilify people who get lung cancer from smoking, but I still know the dangers of smoking and thus avoid it. STDs of any kind should work the same way.

Dan, this advice is appropriate and necessary. Abuse comes in many forms, and sexual manipulation of this extreme is certainly one of them. Anyone who says otherwise is dumb :)
Posted by aidey_love on January 14, 2009 at 1:24 PM
19
Totally excellent advice.
Totally.
Posted by gee Dan, I guess you're not a total loser on January 14, 2009 at 1:26 PM
20
If AIDS educators would do a better job of not getting infected themselves, I think they'd have more right to talk shit.
Posted by Gitai on January 14, 2009 at 2:14 PM
21
Great advice for all. Pressuring someone to have unprotected (and protected) sex is abuse. Keep saying it Dan.
Posted by kim on January 14, 2009 at 2:23 PM
22
My cousin recently came out to me as a young gay guy. I'm a gal, somewhat older, so I felt the right to get all bossy. The 2nd thing I said to him (1st was "congrats") was to read Dan Savage, and listen to his podcasts. Each and every one. I told his parents what I told their son, and they were sooo relieved.
Posted by girlfriend in a coma on January 14, 2009 at 3:30 PM
23
My guess is that anyone who had a problem with this advice probably objected to all the naughty words. Foul-mouthed blogger!!
Posted by bobbo on January 14, 2009 at 4:07 PM
24
I hadn't blogged a single word back when I wrote that column, Bobbo. I was merely a foul-mouthed sex-advice columnist then.
Posted by Dan Savage on January 14, 2009 at 4:43 PM
25
Thank You. I heard this advice in highschool, waaaaay back in the early 90's (pre-AIDs cocktail). "If someone tells you they don't like the feel of condoms, reach for your drawers and tell them they must like the feel of jerking off alone." Or for the ladies, If a guy tells you he doesn't like the feel of condoms tell him "Then you must love the feel of 18 years of child support payments" and reach for your panties. The condoms will come out, but I still recommend you walk away. If they aren't afraid of catching something, they've already got it.
Posted by Y.F. on January 14, 2009 at 4:48 PM
26
Columns like this one are the reason I've said this before and I'll say it again:

You make the world a better place, Dan Savage.
Posted by jade on January 14, 2009 at 6:37 PM
27
Married male 25 yes butt experrimenting with prostate stimulation...loving it...how can I find male to experience anal sex...so curious as to the feel....gay bar???suggestions. Sites that are safe to talk??? New to this
Posted by bob on January 14, 2009 at 9:27 PM
28
oops married 25yrs. Been with only her....want to experiment....best sites/ways???
Posted by bob on January 14, 2009 at 9:31 PM
29
Bob, meet craigslist. Craigslist, meet Bob.
Posted by DanB on January 14, 2009 at 9:57 PM
30
Seems like good advice to me. I would add that if he doesn't like anal sex, he isn't obligated to do it even with a condom!
Posted by missymiss on January 14, 2009 at 11:41 PM
31
what is with the hiv educator bashing?
Posted by jim pickett on January 15, 2009 at 9:25 AM
32
I'm alive now in my 40s because I didn't fuck much in my 20s. Dan, your advice is oh-so right on.
Posted by TLjr on January 15, 2009 at 11:15 AM
33
Or, as the immortal Crystal Lane put it (and she did know a thing or two about HIV),
"If you're gonna fuck, put a rubber on your dick."
Posted by TLjr on January 15, 2009 at 11:17 AM

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