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Wednesday, January 14, 2009

Religion A Crusade! A Crusade!

Posted by Paul Constant on Wed, Jan 14, 2009 at 5:03 PM

You know that piece of toast you have with the face of Mary on it? You might have to get it authenticated before you put it on eBay.

The Pope is declaring a 'holy war' against people who claim falsely that the Virgin Mary is appearing to them.

He will attempt to snuff out an explosion of bogus heavenly apparitions with new guidelines to help bishops root out frauds.

Benedict XVI plans to publish criteria to help them distinguish between true and false claims of visions of Jesus and the Virgin Mary, messages, stigmata - the appearances of the five wounds of Christ - and weeping or bleeding statues.

In some cases exorcists will be used to determine if a credible apparition is 'divine' origin or 'demonic'.

I'm so happy to live in the 21st Century.

Comments (17) RSS

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I have been waiting for years for an image of Samuel Beckett to appear on my toast. I must admit though, that I would not know what he looks like if he ever did appear.

Posted by nightlifejitters on January 14, 2009 at 5:12 PM

I have a premonition that in a few minutes I'm going to take a shit that looks just like Pope Benedict, minus the Prada slippers of course.

Posted by Fnarf on January 14, 2009 at 5:26 PM

great, wait until the pope gets wind of the cookies and bath towels and commemorative coins with the face of our new messiah.
holy war and race baiting?
that would be unheard of for the likes of the Catholic church...

Posted by snap on January 14, 2009 at 5:43 PM

I would like the demonic toast with a side of bacon.

Irony: "The visionaries will next be visited by psychiatrists, either atheists or Catholics, to certify their mental health and to verify whether they are suffering from conditions of a hysterical or hallucinatory character..."

Posted by lusk on January 14, 2009 at 5:51 PM

Divine or demonic, but never just plain coincidence or human ingenuity.

I want to find Divine on my toast.

Posted by StC on January 14, 2009 at 5:51 PM

I hope the church decides to abandon all other projects and pursue this with 100% of their time, effort, and money.

Posted by Urgutha Forka on January 14, 2009 at 6:16 PM

That's not the face of Mary! It looks like the face of Jeff Daniels to me.

Posted by Justin J. Clark on January 14, 2009 at 7:08 PM

Looks like Han Solo to me.

Posted by Ben on January 14, 2009 at 7:28 PM

@7 That's exactly what I thought!

Posted by madamecrow on January 14, 2009 at 7:33 PM

"I didn't expect the Spanish Inquisition!"

Posted by Simone on January 14, 2009 at 7:55 PM

Wouldn't it be easier to assume that they're all false? I mean, if God is real and wants attention, he can just show up - he needn't keep phoning it in by randomly decorating food and making people bleed.

Posted by yelahneb on January 14, 2009 at 9:46 PM

It actually reminds me of J.R. "Bob" Dobbs (the guy with the pipe from Church of the SubGenius), only viewed at a funny angle in bad lighting so you can't see the smile or pipe clearly.

Posted by Chronos on January 14, 2009 at 11:43 PM

No one expects the Spanish Inquisition!

Posted by prenks on January 15, 2009 at 5:51 AM

I once saw a cloud that looked like a rabbit. Was it of "divine" origin or "demonic"?

Posted by Johnny on January 15, 2009 at 7:10 AM

I have a wart on my ass that looks suspiciously like George Bush. But my Dr. said it would be gone in a few days.

Posted by Vince on January 15, 2009 at 7:17 AM

Wow. As if the world needed another reason to hate the pope.

Posted by Jake on January 15, 2009 at 8:58 AM

@7: You beat me to it! I was going to say it looked like Jeff Daniels to me, too.

Maybe Jeff Daniels is the Second Coming. Three of us so far have seen him in this piece of toast.

Posted by LeslieC on January 15, 2009 at 9:51 AM