In the Regrets issue, among many others, I wrote this regret:

Stranger staff critic Paul Constant regrets having to watch the following movies as part of his job this year: The Day the Earth Stood Still, Punisher: War Zone, Twilight, Villa Jasmin, RocknRolla, Zach and Miri Make a Porno, Choke, Hellride, and Hancock. The only play he regrets seeing this year is Bullshot Crummond. There is probably a moral in there about the entertainment value of theater versus film, but Constant is too busy masturbating to the DVD of The Rundown to finish this thought.

And yesterday, we got this e-mail:

Dear Mr. Constant

I was saddened (and a little surprised) to see that the only play you regretted seeing this year wasBullshot Crummond. I worked backstage on that show and, while it may not have been our finest production, I had no idea we were making The Worst Play in Seattle.

Now, I'm not writing to complain about the brief mention in the Regrets issue or to defend our work. I'm writing to find out what you think we should do next. What are we doing wrong? How can we improve?

Twelfth Night Productions is a small, non-profit theater company that has a small pool of amateur actors, an even smaller budget, a decent space, a dedicated fanbase that attends our summer musical, and the desire to put on four quality shows every year.

These are our strengths and our weaknesses.

Any advice you or anybody that reads this note might be able to give to ensure that nobody regrets seeing one of our shows next year would be greatly appreciated.

Thank you,
[Redacted]

You know, I regret that I didn't have all the space in the world for the regrets issue, because there are many different levels of regret. Regret can be a very nuanced thing. I did not regret Bullshot Crummond because it was "The Worst Play in Seattle." It was most definitely not the worst play performed in Seattle last year. But I knew from the minute I walked into the theater that I should not have been in that theater, watching that play as a reviewer.

Bullshot Crummond was performed at the Youngstown Cultural Arts Center, which is a building that resembles an elementary school on the inside. The play was performed, basically, in a gymnasium and the crowd sat on bleacher seats. The crowd was mostly older people, and the level of performances mostly leaned toward the community theater level. It was amateurish. But the thing is, it was amateur theater. As soon as I walked into the theater, I realized what had happened: I was a critic who was about to review a play that probably shouldn't be reviewed.

There was nothing that my review could have done for that show: You can tell that the audience, as the letter-writer pointed out, is very faithful and well-pleased by the production. The cast comes out after the show and waves goodbye to the audience as they leave. It's all very familial, and it's also very amateurish. It is, quite simply, not a professional production and it should have been left for more informal reviews like word of mouth. And I felt bad about having to review it. Hence: Regret. Had I been there as an audience member or a friend of the cast, I would not have regretted seeing Bullshot Crummond. Was it good? No. It was amateur theater. I can't really give any advice on how to turn an amateur theater into a professional theater; that's a lot of work. As far as amateur theater goes, it was probably pretty decent. I sincerely apologize if my regret injured anyone's pride.