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Tuesday, December 23, 2008

Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz The Best Christmas Gift I've Ever Received

Posted by Megan Seling on Tue, Dec 23, 2008 at 1:12 PM

It's no secret, I have a terrible mouth. A dirty, fucking rotten mouth. I curse too much and it drives my mom crazy. Even though I very rarely curse around her, she absolutely knows just how much I swear like a sailor. She’s read my stuff in the paper, she’s not stupid.

So anyway, years ago, in 2004, I wrote this review of the (terribly terrible) movie 13 Going on 30. I ended it like this:

So basically, as you could probably gather on your own, this movie is dumb, dull, and lacking any sort of charm. And besides that, the stupid 13 Going on 30 promo package that the movie people sent got stupid "wishing dust" all over my stupid desk. Fucking glitter.

My dad thought this review was hilarious. And every time he saw me, for months afterwards, he’d say “glitter” and laugh. It stuck. For my dad and I, “glitter” became code for “fuck” or “shit” or whatever else we couldn’t say when my mom was around. Drop a plate and break it? "Oh, glitter." Annoyed with traffic? "Glitter!"

I always assumed my mom never knew what we were talking about. She’d just roll her eyes and think we were being stupid. We were. It's what my dad and I do.

Last Christmas, like the traditional, undivorced happy family we are, we all woke up early at 6 am on Christmas morning and exchanged presents and laughed and drank hot chocolate and ate the mini oranges in our stockings (no, seriously, it’s how we’ve done it for 28 years… we’re a fucking Hallmark card). As I started to unwrap one small package from my stocking my mom started giggling…

I suspiciously continued to unwrap it... and started laughing hysterically myself.

She got me a silly little wooden Christmas ornament that simply says “glitter”, which is basically my mom’s way of giving me a silly little wooden Christmas ornament that says “fuck” on it. Which, I think, is completely awesome.

I fucking love my mom.

Comments (13) RSS

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Cool, I fucking love to swear!

Posted by seandr on December 23, 2008 at 1:29 PM

Haha! great story! I am going to tell someone to "Glitter Off!!" today at work. Thanks!

Posted by MistressCorrine on December 23, 2008 at 1:32 PM

You got a real pretty mouth.

Posted by elenchos on December 23, 2008 at 1:36 PM

Glitter is the herpes of craft supplies.

Posted by Max Bell on December 23, 2008 at 1:37 PM

Funny?

Hardly.

Why not just write FUCK on it and be done with it?

So glitteringly stupid....

Posted by hartiepie on December 23, 2008 at 1:47 PM

Was it from that whore Janet Wainwright and her weak-as-shit "public relations" firm?

Posted by Heavy Petter on December 23, 2008 at 1:47 PM

I loved this story. Quite excellent.

Posted by Cloudy on December 23, 2008 at 1:58 PM

Jeez, could you lay off your non-divorced parents high horse a bit? All have you know, those of us from broken homes still manage to participate in the same saccharine rituals as you. If my thrice married mother could hear you, she'd smack you upside the head with one of her delicious Christmas pancakes.

Posted by that's right - pancakes AND hot chocolate on December 23, 2008 at 2:11 PM

I fucking love this post.

Posted by als on December 23, 2008 at 2:13 PM

This brings to mind that scene in Arrested Development when David Cross's Tobias Fünke is creating publicity packets for his acting career and packing them with glitter and such.

Posted by Glenn Fleishman on December 23, 2008 at 2:33 PM

Love it!

Here's a link to my best Christmas present ever- the incredible splatting penis.

http://beckstaspage.blogspot.com/2007/03…

Posted by beck on December 23, 2008 at 3:27 PM

What's a xmas ornament word to use in place of "douche"???

Posted by GuysUseEnemasDon'tThey? on December 23, 2008 at 4:34 PM

The day after this was posted, I told my 8-yo nephew that "glitter!" is a good swear word because it doesn't offend anyone. For the next 6 hours, he said "glitter!" about seven million times.

Posted by pox on December 30, 2008 at 3:22 PM