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Monday, December 15, 2008

Sex Dressing Down "Dear Prudence"

Posted by Dan Savage on Mon, Dec 15, 2008 at 12:00 PM

I write an advice column. Other people write advice columns. I frequently get letters from readers asking me to take the authors of other advice columns to task when they write something stupid. I expect that the authors of other advice columns get letters asking them to take me to task when I write something stupid. I usually disregard these requests because keeping track of my own stupidity is enough work. I don't have time to keep track of Amy's and Carolyn's and Abigail's too.

But I'm going to make an exception: Slate's "Dear Prudence" responded to a question from an expectant mother whose husband cross-dresses. Daddy only cross-dresses at home, "so as not to alienate friends and family and to keep his work associates from finding out," but what do they do now that they're having a kid?

If we keep it hidden, our child will most likely find out someday—when mom is doing the wash for two dress sizes—and then feel betrayed and hurt. If we keep on as we are, then our child will likely tell someone that daddy wears dresses, and it wouldn't be fair to burden anyone with that secret. What is the best thing for us to do?

Prudence's answer is larded with limp sarcasms and drips with contempt. She describes the father-to-be's cross-dressing as a "compulsion," makes inane jokes about cross-dressed teddy bears and daddy dressing up like Madonna, and frets about a child "growing up amid such sexual confusion." Those are fighting words for cross-dressers—particularly the "sexual confusion" crack. Straight men who like to wear dresses aren't confused, Prudence, they're just cross-dressers. (And to the person responsible for headlines at Slate: cross-dressers and drag queens are two very different animals.)

But... and I'm sorry to disappoint the many angry readers who've asked me to take Prudence to task... I happen to agree with Prudence's advice:

It's time for your husband to limit his dressing up to times when he's not with the baby. As your child gets older and mobile, your husband will have to take more steps to separate his fetish from your family life.... You feel this aspect of your private lives is none of your family's business, or your husband's colleagues', and that is an excellent attitude to maintain with your child.

Setting aside the sexual aspect of cross-dressing—and that cross-dressing in front of your kids, like doing D/s in front of your kids, involves your children in your sex life in an wholly inappropriate manner—there's the little matter of the closet: Daddy is keeping his cross-dressing a secret from family and coworkers. The mom to be is correct: her child—no choid—should be burdened with keeping secrets like this for mommy and daddy, particularly when the consequences of the secret getting out are so severe. (The letter writer says that her husband would lose his job if his coworkers found out.)

And, yes, odds are good that the kid will find out "someday" that daddy like to cross-dress. But I doubt the kid will feel "betrayed and hurt" that this secret was kept from him. If anything, the the kid will be grateful—particularly if the kid only discovers this secret after he's an adult.

I can hear cross-dressers grumping now: "Your kid knows you're gay, Savage. You're not keeping that a secret." But here's the relevant question: Is it who you are? Or is it something you do? If it's who you are—gay, lesbian, straight, bi—your kid has a right to know about it. Your sexual orientation isn't private, it's public; it determines who you date, fall in love with, live with, have kids with. But the stuff you like to do with your sex partners is private. Cross-dressing, BDSM, anal sex, pony play, watersports, whatever—there's no need for your kids to know about it. Or your parents. Or your neighbors. That stuff is and should be private; it's between you, your sex partner(s), and the friends you confide in about your sex life. That's not to say that you should be ashamed of your cross-dressing/BDSMing/pony-playing/whatevering. Far from it. But there's nothing shameful about respecting other peoples' right not to be burdened with too much information about your sex life.

So, yeah, my kid knows I'm gay. But he doesn't know what his dads do for kicks. This cross-dresser's kid will know his dad is straight. But he won't know—shouldn't know, doesn't need to know, doesn't want to know—what his dad and mom do for kicks.

Comments (36) RSS

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I've always thought Dear Prudence was Slate's weakest offer. She has nothing interesting to say.

Posted by PedestrianMe on December 15, 2008 at 12:09 PM

First of all, Apple Corps. needs to sue "Dear Prudence" on behalf of the Beales for copyright infringement.

Second, If the guy doesn't go to work or hang out with friends, in drag, there is little reason he would wear it in front of the kids. I think if, before he was a dad, hung out around the house in a house coat and fluffy slippers, that seems pretty harmless.

And third, what is "pony play?"

Posted by elswinger on December 15, 2008 at 12:09 PM

What is "doing D/s"?

Posted by Matthew on December 15, 2008 at 12:11 PM

@3 My guess is Domination/submission.

Posted by Hernandez on December 15, 2008 at 12:13 PM

@4: Thanks. That makes sense, at least...

Posted by Matthew on December 15, 2008 at 12:15 PM

think of the choidwen!

Posted by Super Jesse on December 15, 2008 at 12:23 PM

Dan, isn't cross-dressing (or any form of treansgender behavior) a kind of sexual orientation? Are you (and the Slate columnist), in a sense, "closing the door behind you" and saying, "Well, me & Terry can be part of the club, but don't let the cross-dressers in"? Are you, at least subtly or maybe even unconsciously, trying to pry the "T" off of GLBT? Think about it.

Posted by Chris down in The Couv on December 15, 2008 at 12:27 PM

Transgender isn't an activity, Chris.

Posted by Dan Savage on December 15, 2008 at 12:39 PM

Kids never want to see - or hear - what their parents do in the bedroom.

Seriously, they don't.

EVER.

Posted by Will in Seattle on December 15, 2008 at 12:39 PM

7 - I think this is where the difference between drag queens and cross dressers comes into play.

Posted by Jen on December 15, 2008 at 12:40 PM

If I'd learned about pony play as a choid, I wouldn't have to go google it now on the company computer...

Posted by tomasyalba on December 15, 2008 at 12:41 PM

there's a difference between transgender and cross-dressing. transgendered individuals feel as though they're in the wrong skin, that they want to be (and take steps to become) the opposite gender, and often cross-dress to portray the gender they would prefer to be. cross-dressers, however, cross-dress mostly for sexual fulfillment, in bed, and for playtime.

Posted by franky on December 15, 2008 at 12:44 PM

I'm not sure that this is where the difference between drag queens and cross-dressers come in - I think there are other distinctions there. But there is a huge difference between being a crossdresser and being trans. Most crossdressers are straight men who just like to dress up. Trans is a gender identity issue. Crossdressing men don't think they were incorrectly born men and believe themselves to actually be women, but just like to play one at home for awhile. There is an incredible difference and Dan is certainly right in this. Crossdressing is a sex activity, not an orientation.

Posted by Ed on December 15, 2008 at 12:44 PM

Oh, okay! The Wiki page has a photo of a nice lady at the Folsom Street Fair. And I learned the related term "therianthropy," the non-erotic version for choidren.

Posted by tomasyalba on December 15, 2008 at 12:46 PM

Liking to cross-dress is not related to being transgender. Men who cross-dress for fun and/or sexual pleasure are not interested in actually changing their sex. Part of the reason that cross-dressing is exciting for straight men is that they get to wear clothes that are "forbidden" to them. An MTF feels that she is a woman and so wearing women's clothing doesn't have the same type of excitement.

Posted by citrus on December 15, 2008 at 12:48 PM

It seems like a pretty good point of distinction. The letter's author seemed like this was something they had been trying to find a way to keep privately in the bedroom, and "Prudence"/Dan basically gave them permission to do that. If the question had been phrased differently - as in "I crossdress as part of my public identity, but we're about to have kids - should I give this up to save them the potential embarrassment?", the advice would probably have been different.

Personally, I would find the more slippery slope of this distinction between what goes on in public and what goes on in the bedroom as it relates to open or poly relationships... On one hand, it certainly wouldn't be appropriate to give the children play-by-plays of who is sleeping with whom, but there is probably a "public" face to things that can't forever be explained by "mommy's friend is having a sleepover again"...

Posted by Damien on December 15, 2008 at 12:49 PM

oh. I guess I'm a little late in making my point. well said, everybody else.

Posted by citrus on December 15, 2008 at 12:50 PM

cross-dressing and transgender are not the same thing. One is a fetish. One is a gender. Cross dressing, in and of itself is not a sexual orientation. given the info in the letter, i'd gues it was the fetish as well. If the letter writer had said "my husband feels that he (she) should have been born a woman, and dresses in the manner he feels most identifies with his (her) true gender" then it would be a transgender issue. as it is, He dresses as a woman behind closed doors, we have no information that identifies him as anything but a straight man, perfectly ok in his biological gender, who just-so-happens to enjoy dressing up in dresses.

Posted by lisag on December 15, 2008 at 1:04 PM

@2, songs are subject to copyright; song titles are not.

Posted by jon c on December 15, 2008 at 1:26 PM

Geeze, are any of you responders actual cross-dressers? Sure, some people cross-dress for sexual reasons, but for most of the cross-dressers in my experience, it is an expression of who they are. In short, they aren't going to be able to stifle it any more than a trans person could stifle his or her gender, or a gay person could ignore his or her sexuality. So, I don't think Dan's advice works.

Closets aren't good for anyone.

Posted by Sachi on December 15, 2008 at 1:44 PM

"our child will most likely find out someday—when mom is doing the wash for two dress sizes". Yeah, cause kids really give a shit about laundry, and often like to check the size of dresses in the wash just to make sure they're the same.

Posted by BC on December 15, 2008 at 1:48 PM

Dan, you're confusing transvestic fetishism, crossdressing, and transsexuals. The first is a fetish only, the second can be anything as it is an activity that may or may not be sexually / identity motivated, the third is the "wrong body" aspect.

You can be a crossdresser, and be transgendered, yet not need to change sex as the part time aspect of it is enough to stay comfortable in your own body (which is my case).

You could also be a fully closeted crossdresser (like this guy seems to be) in *behaviour* but in reality he is a classic horrendously closeted transsexual because of fear of societies reaction to him. Advice like yours would be devastating to him.

If the hubby in question is into cd'ing just for sexual reasons and it never leaves the bedroom, then your advice is spot on. If this is a case of identity / comfort for the hubby, and isn't solely a sex game, then your advice is horrible and is akin to me telling you to keep your fag ass in the closet and never let your kid know that gays exist.

ill say it again, you guys need some trans people on staff, for a uber-gay-friendly paper y'all dont know shit about trans people

Posted by Dawn on December 15, 2008 at 1:50 PM

@20 -- I think the problem is that the husband is in the closet about his cross dressing. If you engage in any activity that is outside of the norm, there's no way you can do it in front of a child and expect them to keep the secret. That leaves the husband with two options: either keep it a secret from the child, or come out of the closet about it. Since it seemed pretty obvious that the latter was not an option in this case, that pretty much only leaves the advice Dan gave: to limit the cross dressing to times when he isn't with the baby. Otherwise, he has to be prepared for the possibility that his secret won't stay a secret for very long.

Posted by Beth in NJ on December 15, 2008 at 1:57 PM

"I frequently get letters from readers asking me to take the authors of other advice columns to task when they write something stupid."

really, dan? really????

Posted by seriously doubt it. on December 15, 2008 at 2:01 PM

Um, I know it wasn't meant this way, but "cross-dressing in front of your kids... involves your children in your sex life in a wholly inappropriate manner" technically leaves the possibility open for involving your children in your sex life in an appropriate manner.

Shudder.

I'm with @9. Ew.

Posted by Dex on December 15, 2008 at 2:25 PM

God I'm so glad you posted this! I saw that myself, and wished 1) you'd answered the question and 2) you'd do exactly what you've done here. whew.

Posted by Dan knows best on December 15, 2008 at 2:36 PM

Are there any Capitol Hill hipsters who aren't "cross-dressers" according to the pointless rules? Pretty much every hipster girl wears boy hoodies and boy shirts, pretty much every hipster boy wears girl jeans and girl coats, etc.

Posted by "cross-dressing" is obsolete on December 15, 2008 at 2:46 PM

I don't think what I think about this. My dad likes to wear women's earrings and skirts (although he's never worn a skirt in front of me or my brother) and nail polish. I had no idea until I was in my early 20s that he liked these things, he's always been a pretty manly guy as far as I know. I guess when he and my mom had kids he decided to just not do it for our sakes, but it's a lot harder to adjust now that I'm an adult to my dad being a cross dresser than I think it would have been as a kid. I guess I just feel like if he'd done it sometimes while I was growing up I would find it more normal now-- but as it was it was kind of a shock when I found out. But also I don't think he involves my mom in it at all-- she's kind of weirded out by it I think.

He always just says it helps him get in touch with his feminine side. Whatever the fuck that means.

Posted by unsure? on December 15, 2008 at 3:54 PM

Kids know if their parents are raging whores or crossdressers. And they know when they are being lied to.

Posted by commentz on December 15, 2008 at 4:16 PM

#19 I figured since Apple Corps. sued Apple Computer that they might try to sue. They also sued, and won, a case against a pizza parlor called "Sgt. Pepperoni's."

Frank Sinatra took the owner of a restaurant calledSinatra's to court, even though that was the owner's name, and won.

and I still want an explanation of "pony play." Is this that Enumclaw shit?

Posted by elswinger on December 15, 2008 at 4:28 PM

For elswinger...

According to Wikipedia on animal-human roleplay, I found this:
"The most common examples are probably canids (pup, dog, wolf), felines (cat, kitten, lion) or equines (pony, horse). Human-animal roleplay is also used in a BDSM context, where one person may be a 'slave', treated or used as an animal by their Mistress/Master."

There are lots of stories about pony-play on The Eunuch Archives...

I googled 'what is pony play?'

Posted by Ayden/VA on December 15, 2008 at 7:02 PM

32 O.K. Thanks.

I was afraid it involved an actual pony, like the one in Slog's earlier story Brendan Kiley mentioned earlier: http://slog.thestranger.com/slog/archive…

Posted by elswinger on December 15, 2008 at 10:09 PM

I read that Dear Prudence. I have to say it kinda bugged me (I ususally like her). If the Cross-Dressing is sexual in nature, I have to agree with her and Dan. But I'm not sure it is. The letter writer used the word 'fetish', true, but that word is mis-used and mis-applied a lot. If dude likes to wear high heels while he makes dinner, or whatever he does around the house, I don't see where that will affect anyone, or even why it would occur to a kid to say anything. Of course living in the formerly-progressive state of California where I've regularly worked with crossdressers and transgendered people, I have a hard time understanding the kind of climate where this sort of thing needs to be a secret. If you want to wear a skirt to work, you should be able to, after all I'm a girl and I wear pants, that's been acceptable for less then 100 years but no one looks at me twice.

Posted by lizdini on December 16, 2008 at 8:11 AM

@30, I'm pretty sure those are examples of trademark (or some similar mark) infringement, not copyright. copyright is intended to protect ownership of creative works (for example, not allowing someone else to pass off the song "Dear Prudence" as his own). trademark is intended to avoid consumer confusion about the source of a good or service (for example, so people don't think that Apple Corps is the manufacturer of Ipods or that Frank Sinatra is endorsing some restaurant). I think it would be pretty clear to the average reader that "Dear Prudence" (the column) is a play on the song title, rather than a column endorsed by or produced by Apple Corps. But, then again, the Sgt. Pepperoni case sounds really stupid to me, so who knows.

Posted by jon c on December 16, 2008 at 8:14 AM

34 Thanks for the clarification.

Posted by elswinger on December 16, 2008 at 10:31 AM

Hey, I read both Dan and Prudence obsessively and was really wondering what Dan had to say on her last column (especially since the tone of her response struck me as, well, prudish). Thanks, Dan!

Posted by Advice Column Addict on December 17, 2008 at 5:56 AM