As you clearly know I have a calendar fetish. And with that truncated introduction, I hereby introduce my top ten calendars for 2009 (so far). ON SALE NOW!
1) MEN ON A MISSION
Yes, the Mormon church donated a crap-ton of money to screw over same-sex marriage. But at least a few ex-communicated members of Magic Underpants, Inc. are giving back to society with the MEN ON A MISSION calendar, featuring 12 months of barely clothed Mormon hunks! If I were a polygamist, I'd marry every one of 'em! Only $15.95.
2) WOMEN IN WADERS
Last year I waited too long to get this awe-inspiring calendar of bikinied women in waders holding trout. AND IT WAS THE WORST GODDAMN YEAR OF MY LIFE. Don't be me. Get WOMEN IN WADERS now. Only $12.95.
Eight more awesome calendars (including "Naked Clowns") after the leap!
3) NAKED CLOWN CALENDAR
I know what you're thinking: "I'm scared of clowns. So why would I want to buy a calendar filled with naked clowns?" Answer: 1) All proceeds from this calendar go to MS research. And 2) It's the perfect gift for f-bombing with peoples' MINDS. Only $20.
4) MY ZOMBIE PIN-UP
I like brains. And yet? A thorough search of Craigslist provides absolutely zero hot chicks who share my affinity for brains. That's why I'm excited for this calendar which provides a year's worth of good lookin' gals with gooey brains dripping down their shirts. Maybe women will have a better appreciation for brains by the year 2010. One can only hope. Only $19.99.
5) STUFF ON MY CAT
True, this is one of those internet memes that's on the verge of becoming super annoying. However! I defy you not to howl with glee upon witnessing month after month of cats wearing weird hats and the look of abject humiliation. See? Humor does trump cruelty! Only $12.99.
6) ANIMALS THAT WILL KILL YO' A$$
"Beware! Animals that will kill you are everywhere!" These wise words were uttered by the makers of "Animals that Will Kill Yo' A$$"—and they know of which they speak. Besides supplying us with 12 months of deadly a$$ killing examples that include crocodiles, snakes (and possibly wiener dogs), they also wisely spell "ass" with dollar signs rather than the traditional letter "s" (which will undoubtedly be the norm in the wiser dictionaries of the future). Only $12.88.
7) NERDCORE CALENDAR
When not spewing useless information about Star Trek or Battlesnore Gaspastica, nerds are also apparently interested in beautiful women. Now these divergent interests come together with Nerdcore—a calendar devoted to nude hotties posing with laser guns and other nerdly paraphernalia. Extra bonus: When you talk to these girls, they don't laugh. Only $25.
8) MAD MEN ILLUSTRATED CALENDAR
Mad Men is the hipster version of Splatterguard Nerdgastica. And this smart looking calendar depicts scenes from both seasons of this indie TV hit, artistically rendered in that groovy early '60s style. (Now with extra ironic sexual harassment!) Only $21.35.
9) MONTHLY DOOS DOG POOP CALENDAR
Your dog craps. It's an indisputable scientific fact. It is also a fact that you often leave your dog's steaming excrement on my front lawn for me to step in, and transport to my living room carpet or the floor mats of my car. Here is a calendar that will provide a daily reminder that your dog poops, and that you should be disposing of it in a more artistic manner. Or any manner where it doesn't end up on the bottom of my slippers. Only $13.95.
10) SARAH PALIN 2009 CALENDAR
Oh, you're not finished with her yet! Sarah provided you with some of the biggest laffs and heart palpitations of the year. Now you can spend the entirety of 2009 reliving the memories of Putin rearing his evil Commie head, the heroism of true Americans like Joe Sixpack the Plumber, and how much cuter Sarah is than that uggo Joe Biden. Come on, people! "Obama / Palin 2012!" YES, WE CAN! Only $15.95.
Let me know about any awesome calendars I missed! Puh-leeze?
