Look, I've got this thing and it's fucking golden. And I’m just not giving it up for fuckin’ nothing. I’m not gonna do it. And, I can always use it. So, you know, if you want this fucking thing you're gonna have to start showing me something. Tangible support. Know what I'm saying?

Pay to play, fuckers. Unless I get something real good for this Bridezilla Scrilla Package, shit, I'll just keep it for myself, you know what I'm saying?

Are you getting married sometime soon? (If not, do you happen to require a glamorous, all-white dress?) Cicada will provide one wedding dress from its current line, valued up to $1,200. If that’s not enough to calm your pre-wedding-day jitters, Bevin Keely LMP, is providing one massage session to work out all the kinks. A $1,315 VALUE! OPENING BID: $1.99!

And I already got a wife. And she's disgusted by you piddling ass motherfuckers. She says unless you go higher than this bullshit bid of $127.50—well, here, talk to her, she's right here: "Hold up that fucking Cubs shit. . . fuck them.”

See. Now you think about what you want to do.

And you know what, what is this shit? Only $400 to buy a news story?

The Stranger news writer of your choice will write a news piece on the subject of your choice, to run in The Stranger’s January 22 issue. PRICELESS! OPENING BID: $1.99!

I don't think you got the message about this sensitive issue. I mean, I was willing to pay millions from the Illinois State Treasury if those idiots at the Chicago Tribune would fire those fuckers on their editorial page. And you've only got $400 to buy a fucking news story in Seattle's only fucking newspaper? Honestly, it sounds like you're not really willing to give anything but appreciation. Fuck you. For nothing? Fuck you.

Pay. To. Play.

Fuckers.

Also, to be frank, you're insulting me with this one over here. Only $102.50 to be fucking Magistrate of Local Music? I mean, that sounds almost as good as Governor of Illinois right about now, I can personally assure you—and I paid a hell of a lot more than $102.50 to get into this rosy fucking perch.

Broadcast your local-music knowledge/passion/attitude over the airwaves when you get to cohost the Locals Only show on 107.7 The End with Megan Seling on an upcoming Sunday night from 8:00 p.m. to 10:00 p.m. Package also includes a bunch of CDs from Barsuk Records (Ra Ra Riot, Jim Noir, Chris Walla, Jesse Sykes & the Sweet Hereafter, David Bazan), a Barsuk hoodie, and five silk-screened show posters: the Sonics, Fleet Foxes, Dengue Fever, Cold War Kids, and Calexico. A $675 VALUE! OPENING BID: $1.99!

I'll repeat myself: Something tangible. Up front. And then it's yours. Fucking crown prince of local music or whatever. I hear even the state legislature can't take that one away from you.

Fucking golden. Come on.

Oh yeah, and then there's also this possibility of a direct "charitable contribution." I don't know if it's some 501c(4) shit or what, and I don't really care, and neither should you. Just press the button, I'm sure you'll figure out how to write it off on your fucking taxes:

Look, you've got decisions to make now. I understand. Moving this thing forward. Someone's got to.

But, listen: this is a serious operation here. I want $100 million by the time this thing closes on Friday. $100 million is nothing to sneeze at. That's still worth something, isn't it? Better be. Motherfuckers.