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Wednesday, December 3, 2008

Savage Love Savage Love Letter of the Day

Posted by Dan Savage on Wed, Dec 3, 2008 at 5:19 PM

I'm a devoted Aussie listener to your podcast and read your column every week. Keep up the good work - I'm sure I'm a better person for reading/listening.

Long story short: I'm a 28 year old gay guy, and I have recently returned home after a two-year stint overseas to a relationship that has since ended (his choice, not mine). Things didn't work; that's life. But one of the reasons he gave for breaking up was the way we met. He believes that for a relationship to truly work, it's important to be friends first. As a single gay guy, I'd look to meet guys at parties and clubs, and figure that we start with some sexual chemistry, and can develop our friendship from there. Am I putting too much faith in the scene? Am I being too shallow?

Suddenly In The Scene

What he said, SITS, when your ex ended this relationship was that it didn't work out because you weren't friends first. What he meant, however, was that it didn't work out because once he got to know you... he didn't like you.

Sorry if that's harsh, but there it is. No one would dump a man that he truly loved, or even liked well enough that love was still a possibility, on account of a technicality. "I love you so much, I'm crazy about you. But we met on a Tuesday and I've always felt that it's important to meet someone on a Thursday, so..." You shared some good sexual chemistry, it seems, at the start; and although you developed stronger feelings for him, during the two years you were together he concluded that you weren't right for him.

Now perhaps he's not just shining you on. Maybe he's decided that the next person he dates has to be "friends first," because you weren't friends first and it didn't work out and the fact that you weren't "friends first" must be why. God only knows what he'll decide to do if his next relationship—one with a guy who was "friends first"—doesn't work out. Enemies first, perhaps?

You are not putting too much "faith in the scene," and you are not shallow—so long as you are willing and able to see the men you meet at parties and clubs as potential long-term romantic in addition to potential one-night stands. Go have fun out there.

Comments (15) RSS

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Enemies first produces the best sex.

Posted by N on December 3, 2008 at 5:25 PM

Maybe what the ex meant was "we never became friends." You can be friends first and then hook up, or hook up and then be friends, but I know few successful relationships* where there isn't friendship at some point.

Posted by Luckier on December 3, 2008 at 5:25 PM

Alternate theory: The Ex is having (or wants to have) a thing with a friend. Nothing like the present (or desired future) can motivate people to re-write history.

Posted by Michelle in Ohio on December 3, 2008 at 5:49 PM

Gawd, I'm so jealous of (gay) guys. How great to have it be perfectly fine to fuck first and figure out if you like each other later.

Posted by jealous straight girl on December 3, 2008 at 6:14 PM

Hey, give me a call and we can try that out.

Posted by Smegmalicious on December 3, 2008 at 6:35 PM

@ 4

it is perfectly fine

Posted by duh on December 3, 2008 at 7:00 PM

@4

It also works that you can have sex with your friends and it be totally fine and un-weird in the AM.

Posted by DeanP on December 3, 2008 at 7:16 PM

@4. It's perfectly fine for straight, bi, and gay girls too. You just have to forget the baggage you're raised with.

Posted by jade on December 3, 2008 at 7:43 PM

@8, you make it sound so easy. it's-- for me anyway--as hard-wired as it can be: once in the "friend zone" with someone , no chance for romance. ever. i've tried, and it was just painful and embarrassing and sad. i can do the romantic thing and then trans to friend, but not the other way around. it's feels like incest.

Posted by ellarosa on December 3, 2008 at 8:29 PM

"Go have fun out there." ???

No mention of being safe?

Posted by nothing wrong with being friends first on December 3, 2008 at 8:45 PM

bless you Dan, for writing so much about what is really said in just a few words: "I'm just not attracted to you enough, I want to go fuck other people."
Humans = Apes = brain stems. Simple. If you're good looking/have lots of money/good in the sack, then you're good to go, otherwise, hone your other talents like crazy, cause you're gonna need em bad.

Posted by Urgutha Forka on December 3, 2008 at 10:29 PM

It's endearing to see Dan just being gentle and reassuring.

Posted by Vasya on December 3, 2008 at 11:29 PM

@4 I don't get it. Do you think only gay guys fuck first and become friends later? Or is this sarcasm? Some gay guys fuck first and don't become friends but so do some straight guys and gals. I used to work in a straight bar and there were plenty of straight people who fucked but never became friends, but plenty did.

Posted by Vince on December 4, 2008 at 6:40 AM

ask around - meeting someone worthwhile on a night out is not that weird. i met my boyfriend of 5 years at a club. ("neighbors", no less! and no, it wasn't that guy in the sequined thong and chaps.)

Posted by another28yogayguy on December 4, 2008 at 1:16 PM

SITS

I would suggest that a good way to meet guys on the scene but not only in Bars is to become involved in social group stuff.

If you are in Sydney join Mardi Gras as a Volunteer (we need you all) www.mardigras.org.au
or join the Southern Cross Outdoor Group.

Meet guys on the scene but in places where you can suss them out first.

I agree however that you can meet guys shag them and then work out if you want to do more than just root.

I met my partner at the back of the RHI at 2.00am on Mardi Gras night and we now have an crippling mortgage, some great friends, a pretty good life and the continuing joy of working out who is on top tonight.

Go with whatever feels right and tell you ex to go piss up a rope.

He's a wanker and you are well rid of him.

Posted by Malcolm in Sydney on December 4, 2008 at 2:27 PM