Monday, December 1, 2008
Hetero Time Out for Helen
Posted by Charles Mudede on Mon, Dec 1, 2008 at 12:36 PM
Recall this image?
Recall the intoxicated words of the Daily Mail reporter?
It seems hard to believe that this is the same actress whose portrayal of the Queen won her an Oscar.Yet this was no retouched studio shot, with the only work to transform her toned body having been carried out during gruelling hours in the gym.
Dame Helen is holidaying in Puglia, on the southern tip of Italy, with her film director husband Taylor Hackford, 63
That was then, this is now...
The sober words of a Daily Mail reporter:
When she was pictured looking sensational in a red bikini this summer, Helen Mirren insisted that the image was too good to be true.Yesterday, with her hair dripping wet, she looked a little more like a woman of 63.
The Oscar-winning British actress was pictured while snorkelling in Hawaii. The red swimsuit had been replaced with a less flattering halter-neck two-piece while her tan had faded and she was wearing no make-up.
But there is hope for Helen and the rest of humanity:
Researchers have uncovered what may be a universal cause of aging, one that applies to both single cell organisms such as yeast and multicellular organisms, including mammals. This is the first time that such an evolutionarily conserved aging mechanism has been identified between such diverse organisms.
The mechanism probably dates back more than one billion years. The study shows how DNA damage eventually leads to a breakdown in the cell's ability to properly regulate which genes are switched on and off in particular settings.Like our current financial crisis, the aging process might also be a product excessive deregulation.
1
Everybody's got a better side.
2
While I usually enjoy Slog's occasional posts on celebrities, if I wanted to read an "OMG, Look at how old and fat Helen Mirren is" post, I would patronize Perez Hilton's site. Fail.
3
omg a 60 year old woman doesn't look like a 19 year old girl. stop the presses!!
4
is this TMZ???
5
I thought we had already debunked the top image for being Photoshopped.
6
hyuk hyuk! hyuk hyuk!
he he he he he he
he he he he he he
7
oh, it's ok to post garbage when it is followed with a science blurb.
8
Chaz: Let's see how awful you look in a bikini, just for comparison. Seriously, she looks pretty good for a 60-year-old. Your mind has just been warped by one too many FHM centerfolds.
9
I still bet her ass looks much better than Charles'.
10
Fuck off, Daily Mail
11
@8 you stole my line. Stupid slow posting mobile device!
12
@2,3,4,7,8,9 glad to see everyone's knee-jerk reaction times are good and low. This post is the ultimate mashing together of high- and low-brow, science and sociology; y'all are just too wrapped up in your preconceptions of what the Mudede's motives are.
13
@12: Hahaha. "The ultimate mashing together." Priceless. You should be Charles' assistant.
How's this for motives: Charles wants to look at tits and celebrities and foreheads all day. Charles doesn't want to look like a shallow pervert. Charles makes up bullshit Marxish non sequiturs and suggests white kids will murder their adopted mixed-race siblings to cover up for having no better motive to his work than wanting to look at tits and foreheads all day. Charles gets away with objectifying women by "mashing up" some crap about how galaxies fart symphonies, or right angles are a fractal expression of the cages within which colonists trap minorities, or how if he could only fuck Amanda Knox just once, he would jizz pure architecture.
"Mashing up?" This ain't Malcolm Gladwell, it's a fucking wankfest.
How's this for motives: Charles wants to look at tits and celebrities and foreheads all day. Charles doesn't want to look like a shallow pervert. Charles makes up bullshit Marxish non sequiturs and suggests white kids will murder their adopted mixed-race siblings to cover up for having no better motive to his work than wanting to look at tits and foreheads all day. Charles gets away with objectifying women by "mashing up" some crap about how galaxies fart symphonies, or right angles are a fractal expression of the cages within which colonists trap minorities, or how if he could only fuck Amanda Knox just once, he would jizz pure architecture.
"Mashing up?" This ain't Malcolm Gladwell, it's a fucking wankfest.
14
I don't think the two photos look mutually exclusive. There's nothing wrong with her shape in the second pic; she just needed to adjust the suit (I've doubt she did precisely that moments after this was taken).
That said, we all fall apart a bit as we get old; the damage is supposed to be part of the charm, as anyone who spends his or her spare time championing the crackle of old LPs, the hum of vacuum tube amps, the musty waft of old books, and the squiggling grain of old film stock will gladly tell you. That these sorts don't reflexively apply this logic to the human body says more about our fears of mortality, our confusion about sexuality, and not a little bit of ingrained misogyny than it does about the relative visual or erotic "value" of our aging flesh or the stories written thereon.
I don't know (or care) what Mudede's motives are; I'm sure it has something to do with Marx or Hegel, but anyone who can gather more than that from anything he writes is braver, stronger, smarter, or more patient than I.
Yes, I'm well aware of my status as pot to Charles's kettle. Thanks for noticing.
That said, we all fall apart a bit as we get old; the damage is supposed to be part of the charm, as anyone who spends his or her spare time championing the crackle of old LPs, the hum of vacuum tube amps, the musty waft of old books, and the squiggling grain of old film stock will gladly tell you. That these sorts don't reflexively apply this logic to the human body says more about our fears of mortality, our confusion about sexuality, and not a little bit of ingrained misogyny than it does about the relative visual or erotic "value" of our aging flesh or the stories written thereon.
I don't know (or care) what Mudede's motives are; I'm sure it has something to do with Marx or Hegel, but anyone who can gather more than that from anything he writes is braver, stronger, smarter, or more patient than I.
Yes, I'm well aware of my status as pot to Charles's kettle. Thanks for noticing.
15
THIS is what Slog has been lowered to since the election is over? Fuck, maybe you guys at the Stranger should focus on getting Peter S. to run against Mayor Lardass next year.
16
There are plenty of people way younger than 63 who would look that bad from that angle having just come out of the water.
17
@13, how long do you have to practice every day to be such a cynical asshole? Of course it's not Gladwell, its a blog post, which requires an interest in the outside world, an ability to synthesize information, and the ability to write a few clever adhesive sentences.
Its just disappointing when people dismiss it and start yapping their faces off because OMG he posted an unflattering picture of Helen Mirren sexist bastard!
Its just disappointing when people dismiss it and start yapping their faces off because OMG he posted an unflattering picture of Helen Mirren sexist bastard!
18
@17: Oh please. If you think people are too quick to condemn this post as sexist, look at it in the context of Charles' oeuvre of meditations on women. The man's idea of feminine sexuality is to giggle and point like a fucking 12-year-old. Just because he throws in some intellectual claptrap to make it easier for you to swallow doesn't excuse him from reducing sexual discourse to ogling at body parts (see again foreheads, pendulous breasts), girls behind bars, and barely legal tennis players. It's not an interest in the outside world, but a glimpse at his own trite perversion of that world.
19
I feel for you Helen. I am trying to figure out when my face went from cute to frightening.
20
You know, even when she was 19, she wasn't that hot.
She was just sexy.
It's all in the attitude.
And, quite frankly, she's still sexy.
She was just sexy.
It's all in the attitude.
And, quite frankly, she's still sexy.
21
oh, fucking nasty, fat old chicks are the worst
22
This is not slogworthy.
23
1. Always raise your arms -- the rest will follow.
2. Her cellulite can be seen only from the front.
3. Look how taut her upper arms are.
2. Her cellulite can be seen only from the front.
3. Look how taut her upper arms are.
24
Charles needs to get TWO slutty girlfriends - seems his needs are still unmet
Dan, come to the rescue
Ziggy, you are a great writer, AND, you had me by using the word jizz, my big time very favorite ejaculate expression
Dan, come to the rescue
Ziggy, you are a great writer, AND, you had me by using the word jizz, my big time very favorite ejaculate expression
25
#17
seemingly sex starved and thus sex obsessed straight guy pervert bastard
charles needs more skin mags, the biker women will work fine
seemingly sex starved and thus sex obsessed straight guy pervert bastard
charles needs more skin mags, the biker women will work fine
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