Red, white, and blue Christmas. Emphasis on blue.

This year's profits will go to Treehouse, a nonprofit founded by social workers who were frustrated by how few resources were available for foster kids.

And the packages? Well, we've got a Ducati scooter, an African safari, paragliding with Christopher Frizzelle, thirty brightly colored dildos commemorating that College movie that nobody saw, and more, more, more! For example:

So You Wanna Be a Rock Star
Yeah? Who fucking doesn’t? Well, here’s your chance, Lenny Kravitz! First of all, a complete STD screening from Aurora Medical Services (your groupies’ genitals will thank you). Then, your band plays a show at Easy Street Records, with a two-week-long window display at Easy Street, your CD on a listening station for a month, and one Easy Street hoodie per band member. Plus, a one-hour interview and in-studio performance at Hollow Earth Radio; four hours of studio time with a highly skilled engineer at Jack Straw Productions; and hanging and distro of 300 posters and 2,500 handbills by Poster Midget. OMG! Priceless! Opening bid: $1.99!

...and...

Throw Me the Statue Plays a Private Party
Holy shit! Throw Me the Statue, the best young pop band in Seattle, with the handsomest frontman and catchiest tunes in Seattle, plays a private show for you—the luckiest person in Seattle! They’ll play your house party, dinner party, wedding, picnic—or hell, just for you in your living room. Sitting on your couch. Next to a keg. That’s right: We’re also throwing in a keg of beer from Lazy Boy Brewery. Um, can this roof be raised at all? Priceless! Opening bid: $1.99!

...and...

Fancy Feast
Dinner for two at Woodinville’s legendary Herbfarm, where the tastiest northwest ingredients are grown on the premises and lovingly prepared by chef Keith Luce. Getting silly on Washington wines is encouraged. Also included: one copy of The Herbfarm Cookbook, by former chef Jerry Traunfeld, so you can recreate the experience in your own kitchen (provided you own your own small organic farm). A $600 value! Opening bid: $1.99!

...and...

Enjoy Your Chaise
Take a load off, pilgrim! It’s a little-known historical falsehood that Thomas Jefferson was unable to bend at the waist, and so reclined stiffly upon a plush patriotic chaise whilst quaffing flagons of wine to drown his chiropractic sorrows. Recreate this totally untrue chapter of American history with your own mocha- and cream-colored tweed Bento chaise from Kasala, and six expertly selected bottles of wine in a reusable cloth carrier (flagons not included). A $1,300 value! Opening bid: $1.99!

...and, just like every year, we're auctioning off chunks of the paper to the highest bidder for our January 22 issue. And that's barely scratching the surface.

Can't wait to give something to Treehouse?

Or want to contribute but don't feel like bidding? Donate directly via the Paypal button on this page.

And keep your eyes peeled—literally!—for the super-special Strangercrombie issue on December 4.

Strangercrombie: Once a year, we do something good.