Wednesday, November 26, 2008
Arts What the Hell Is Wrong with Straight Women?
Posted by Dan Savage on Wed, Nov 26, 2008 at 2:30 PM
Seriously. Straight women—what the hell is wrong with you?
They don't keep putting Vince Vaughn in romantic comedies because he tests well with gay men. So there have to be large numbers of are women out there—straight women—who insist on telling Hollywood's market-research people that this Vaughn person does it for them, that there's something about his potato face and his beady eyes and his gone-to-paunch-high-school-sports-star body that do it for them. Otherwise they wouldn't keep putting him in these awful romantic comedies, right?
Straight women: Come to your freaking senses. Vince Vaughn is revolting.
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2
It's not straight women, it's straight men. Especially those that were in fraternities in college.
4
I agree with #2. Straight men. Because if a guy like Vince Vaughn can get with Reese and Isla, then maybe they can too!
5
oh Dan, look at Americans he is a freakin' hot potato compared to the all American over-weight jock douche-bags out there.
But, I agree he's not my type either and I hate romantic comedies.
Now, Bill Maher or Jon Stewart they are hot.
Happy Holidaze
But, I agree he's not my type either and I hate romantic comedies.
Now, Bill Maher or Jon Stewart they are hot.
Happy Holidaze
6
I might let him f*ck me...if I was drunk, really, really, really drunk. Otherwise, I have to go with the straight man theory
7
not much to look at but amusing enough. i will always have affection for him because of 'clay pigeons.'
9
Straight Woman here. I gatta say, I love me some Vince Vaughn. Here's the thing. No normal straight woman can really be deluded enough to think that most Hollywood guys would ever be interested in her. Brad Pitt is not going to date me (not that he's my type, but let's be real here). Leo is not going to stop dating outrageously attractive super models and fall for ho-hum. A normal straight woman could however convince herself that funny, self depreciating, sweet and yes imperfect Vince Vaughn would date her-- and sometimes that's all you need. Plus he was quite the hotty when he was younger imo. But hot and cut turns into old and saggy no matter what, funny is forever.
10
I find myself getting irrationally angry at Vince Vaughn's increasing laziness in choosing roles.
11
What is it with people who need to believe that the stars in movies they see might date them? Can't you just go to the damn movies?
12
Some people would say being attracted to skinny, hairless boys (who may or may not be legal age) is pretty repulsive too...
13
As a straight man, I concur with #4. I'd like to add that Vince Vaughn is funny, which makes me want to see him in movies.
14
Who can I blame for foisting Shia Labeouf on the world? that is at least as bad. Is it the Gays? the Straight women? gay nerds? Who?
15
All the chicks I've known that like him think he's funny, irreverent and confident in that 'I don't give a fuck' way. Studies show, funny & confident beats pretty.
16
I like him, I'm neither a strait woman or a frat boy
I think he's kinda funny, not funny enough to go see in the theater but funny enough to download
I think he's kinda funny, not funny enough to go see in the theater but funny enough to download
17
he was hot in the 90s and he's still coasting from that. now he looks like an alcoholic with a thyroid condition.
but really tho, what 12 said. your taste for manchildren is equally repulsive. at least vince vaughn is unmistakably legal.
but really tho, what 12 said. your taste for manchildren is equally repulsive. at least vince vaughn is unmistakably legal.
18
It's time to call bullshit on straight women in general. You're not fooling anyone. The real threat caused by normalizing gay marriage and gay adoption is that straight women won't have any excuse anymore not to join the other team. Strapon technology is pretty good now so you can't use that as an excuse. Who in their right mind would willingly date all these out of shape, fried chicken-eating, Xbox-playing, football-watching, metal-listening, Keen-wearing, unshaven straight dudes? Straight guys think young women get drunk and make out with each other to impress them, but they're really testing the waters for when society at large doesn't stare at them for dating another woman.
Straight women, we've had it with your tricks. We're opening a lesbian recruitment booth in the mall, stop on by for some free cookies and pamphlets. Sorry straight guys, your free ride is over. It's time for everyone to invest in some Realdoll stock.
Straight women, we've had it with your tricks. We're opening a lesbian recruitment booth in the mall, stop on by for some free cookies and pamphlets. Sorry straight guys, your free ride is over. It's time for everyone to invest in some Realdoll stock.
20
Vince Vaughn, John C. Reilly, Tom Hanks...I find all three to be revolting in the same way. Face/hair/voice. Trifecto of nasty.
Thank God Reilly decided to stop playing in good movies.
Thank God Reilly decided to stop playing in good movies.
21
Straight guys think young women get drunk and make out with each other to impress them, but they're really testing the waters for when society at large doesn't stare at them for dating another woman.
I'm enjoying this window into jrrrl's fantasy life.
I'm enjoying this window into jrrrl's fantasy life.
22
I, as a mostly straight female, agree with you.
However, my taste in movie men is sadly lacking.
Jon Stewart, Seth Rogan and Paul Rudd are the stars of my celebrity fantasies.
I weep for myself daily.
What the HELL is wrong with me!
However, my taste in movie men is sadly lacking.
Jon Stewart, Seth Rogan and Paul Rudd are the stars of my celebrity fantasies.
I weep for myself daily.
What the HELL is wrong with me!
23
I'm with you, Dan. He's not cute: too tall, too pudged. But he is funny, and lots of women find that attractive.
24
i'm a straight woman and i have never found vince vaughn attractive. he IS revolting. and the only good acting he ever did was in swingers. i can't stand him and i can't stand the guy on one of the law and order shows who looks like him. they are both gross.
25
And that Rogen guy opposite bitchin' hot Elizabeth Banks... same fuckin' thing. Same exact fuckin' thing.
27
Post-Swingers Vince Vaughn is disappointing in the exact same way as post-Chasing Amy Ben Affleck. Quirky and intelligent indie character actor being chewed up and spit out by the Hollywood machine.
As to attraction- every "star" in Hollywood is attractive in one of three ways (1) sexually, (2) platonically, or (3) both. For straights, this means the guy appeals to women, guys, or both.
Orlando Bloom is in the first camp. Antonio Banderas. Johnny Depp, most of the time. Brad Pitt and Leo, for most of their careers, but that's starting to change.
Vince Vaughn is decidedly in the second camp for most folks. Ditto Will Farrell. Ditto Adam Sandler. Matt Damon used to be in this camp, but now is in the third group...
The guys who everybody either wants to fuck or befriend. George Clooney. Vigo Mortenson. In an earlier era, Paul Newman, and before that, Robert Michum.
The correlary is there for female stars, too, but my point is that there are only a small number of stars that are all things to everybody. Most are just potential pals or potential fuck-pals.
As to attraction- every "star" in Hollywood is attractive in one of three ways (1) sexually, (2) platonically, or (3) both. For straights, this means the guy appeals to women, guys, or both.
Orlando Bloom is in the first camp. Antonio Banderas. Johnny Depp, most of the time. Brad Pitt and Leo, for most of their careers, but that's starting to change.
Vince Vaughn is decidedly in the second camp for most folks. Ditto Will Farrell. Ditto Adam Sandler. Matt Damon used to be in this camp, but now is in the third group...
The guys who everybody either wants to fuck or befriend. George Clooney. Vigo Mortenson. In an earlier era, Paul Newman, and before that, Robert Michum.
The correlary is there for female stars, too, but my point is that there are only a small number of stars that are all things to everybody. Most are just potential pals or potential fuck-pals.
28
AND WHY THE FUCK IS HE GETTING TOP BILLING OVER REESE!?!??!?!? BECAUSE HE HAS A PENIS?
(sorry to scream, but it pisses me off; she has just as many hit movies as he does AND a motherfucking Oscar...also, she has talent. He's just a big, fat, lazy, untalented piece of offal.)
(sorry to scream, but it pisses me off; she has just as many hit movies as he does AND a motherfucking Oscar...also, she has talent. He's just a big, fat, lazy, untalented piece of offal.)
29
@25 At least the Rogen/Banks pairing was explained to be the product of copious amounts of alcohol.
30
I was totally into him when he was younger: He had charisma, swagger, humor and an ease that suggested self-confidence. And he was a little bit of a brash asshole -- Total turn on.
He's let himself go a little, but I can still see the sex appeal.
He's let himself go a little, but I can still see the sex appeal.
31
I'm with the straight guy theory, with the caveat: having a paunchy, potato-faced guy starring opposite Reese Witherspoon is just like pairing such lovely young women with men more than twice their age without comment, as happens all the time in Hollywood. In regular people comedies, women are still supposed to be beautiful as a precondition to film-existence, men can look lie average dudes. Cuz thought VV isn't my cup of tea, it's not like he's exceptionally bad looking - he's just not particularly hot, and every young star actress looks a bit out of place next to him. I don't think us straight women are even supposed to find him sexy.
32
I think the class of pudgy funny men is actually more attractive than Vince Vaughn. They don't look like they've let themselves go so much as that they've never, uh, had themselves up. Or whatever. Vince Vaughn looks bloated, which is much worse.
34
On a related note:
What the Hell Is Wrong with The Stranger RSS Feed?
Ever since your server restart/update last week it's double posting a bunch. :P
What the Hell Is Wrong with The Stranger RSS Feed?
Ever since your server restart/update last week it's double posting a bunch. :P
35
Because women may say they like gay well-dressed men, but they really want guys like me who can rock them all night long ... and want to be doing it ...
OK, Dan?
OK, Dan?
36
Since when has Hollywood ever paid attention to what women want to see, straight or queer? If they had asked me, movies like this wouldn't even fucking exist. I wash my hands of all responsibility for ANYTHING Hollywood does in an attempt to appeal to women.
37
Reese Witherspoon won't even do PR with him. Hates him. He's definitely a bloated alcoholic. Schtick is tired.
41
I agree, it's the straight guys. Same kind of dumbass straight guys who think Reese Witherspoon is, like, totally hot and stuff.
*gaaaaag*
*gaaaaag*
42
@ jrrrl,
what kind of cookies?
p.s. I blame gay men for all the vomit bags playing in romantic comedy. If it weren't for all the attractive, toned, intelligent, educated gay men out there all the romantic straight male roles wouldn't be filled with guys like Vince Vaughn. If they put a guy who was even slightly attractive in the straight male romantic lead, everyone would automatically assume he was gay, because the only attractive, toned, intelligent, educated men left in America are gay...or Barack Obama. So it's all your fault gay men! snark
what kind of cookies?
p.s. I blame gay men for all the vomit bags playing in romantic comedy. If it weren't for all the attractive, toned, intelligent, educated gay men out there all the romantic straight male roles wouldn't be filled with guys like Vince Vaughn. If they put a guy who was even slightly attractive in the straight male romantic lead, everyone would automatically assume he was gay, because the only attractive, toned, intelligent, educated men left in America are gay...or Barack Obama. So it's all your fault gay men! snark
43
Count me in with the straight guy theory. I don't want to see the perfect man on screen since I know I can't measure up. Of course if an actor is better looking than I am but is tragically flawed in some other way that's OK. Tom Cruise, for example. But I would prefer to see an average looking guy since that's what I can identify with.
45
He sucks goat's ass. I would fuck him if I was really drunk and then the next day I would be wishing I was dead.
46
I'm amazed no one's mentioned this--probably because it has nothing to do with Vince Vaughn--but Four Christmases is the work of Seth Gordon, the director of cult favorite The King of Kong: A Fistful of Quarters. How fast they fall when the big money comes calling.
48
The straight guy theory certainly explains why male porn stars are so fugly. But it still doesn't explain Vaughn's presence in romantic comedies. Women are the targeted audience. Most men who see this flick will be there at the behest of their dates.
49
It might be because Vince, whatever his faults, can act. Even if it's the same role over and over again.
But if I had the *option* of picking, say, Dan Savage in a romantic comedy, clearly I'd do that.
But if I had the *option* of picking, say, Dan Savage in a romantic comedy, clearly I'd do that.
51
I am a straight female and there are no actors, no matter how hot, that could get me to go see a romantic comedy. The last time I fell for that was Don Juan De Marco...even Johnny Depp shirtless can't make the nauseating genre worth seeing. I implore women to come to their senses en masse and stop encouraging Hollywood to make this kind of movie at all. That said, I think Vince Vaughn is appealing. No problems with him. Reese Witherspoon, on the other hand, is kinda overrated. With a chin you could cut parmesan with.
52
This straight woman will watch Vince Vaughn in movies that look like they might actually be funny, because he's done some good stuff in other comedies. I wouldn't watch this movie no matter who was in it, because it looks revolting, and I hate romantic comedies anyway. But, in general, I agree with you. I'm so sick of movies about gorgeous women getting with schlubby guys. They're boring for me to watch, and they make out-of-shape douchebags feel entitled to women who are way out of their league.
54
ugh... i've wondered the same thing for years now. But-- skinny Vince, circa 1997, had some game.
56
oh god, he IS NOT funny. I'm a straight woman and I find him revolting. Yes give me some Clive Owen anyday, yummy.
VV has been coasting on his old reputation for a long while now. The only recent movie I found him to be somewhat funny in was Wedding Crashers, more to do with the script than him, but that's not saying a whole lot.
The only time I found him to be even somewhat hot was in Swingers and that was only somewhat.
Dan please don't generalize us ladies that way. I think he keeps getting the role he gets more because of his people in Hollywood.
VV has been coasting on his old reputation for a long while now. The only recent movie I found him to be somewhat funny in was Wedding Crashers, more to do with the script than him, but that's not saying a whole lot.
The only time I found him to be even somewhat hot was in Swingers and that was only somewhat.
Dan please don't generalize us ladies that way. I think he keeps getting the role he gets more because of his people in Hollywood.
57
I agree with the Vince appealing to straight guys theory. And I don't think it matters that romantic comedies are technically targeted at women. There are plenty of straight men who enjoy rom-com too and I think the advertisers are aware of that. Straight men just have to pretend they don't like the genre and were forced to go see the films with their wives or girlfriends. At least straight women who like so called "guy movies" will admit they enjoy them. They don't make a big thing about "oh my husband/boyfriend" dragged me to it and I wouldn't have watched it otherwise. I think this whole discussion says a lot more about all men (gay/straight/bi) who just can't bear to admit they like anything identified so strongly with something women also like, than it does with Vince Vaughn's questionable appeal. In other words: oink, oink, oink.
58
As a straight woman, I don't find Vince Vaughn in the least bit attractive, I guess he's kinda funny in that macho guy way, but...Vincent D'Onofrio - he resembles Vaughn somewhat (played his dorky older brother in The Break Up), he's too tall and these days he's sorta doughy and potato-shaped, but he is still the sexiest man alive. I've tried to figure out why, but it may be because as an actor you get the feeling there's some thought and depth behind his performance. Vaughn always seems to be playing himself, and I would not even want to be friends with that guy.
59
A couple of things: "The Wedding Crashers" was hilarious, and besides that, Vince Vaughn's sex appeal is akin to that of a gay "bear," that is he is defiantly chunky and un-pretty.
In other words, he comes across as a real man.
In other words, he comes across as a real man.
61
I'm straight and I think I'd rather fuck Vince Vaughn than Reese Witherspoon. Her Chin/forehead combination is something only Mudede could love.
63
Yes he's there to appeal to straight guys with frat pack senses of humor. The reason he's in the rom coms is to help get guys to go see the movies, because they might make more money if they appeal to men as well as women. Or at least, the men will be fighting less when they get dragged to see it by their dates, than they would another rom com. You can't pin this one on straight women, sorry.
64
@36: prodigiouscunt is the greatest moniker ever! Movies made for women tend to be insulting and dull. I won't go near them. Sadly though, plenty of women--who are not me, or apparently, even similar to me--go see them anyway.
Casting Vince Vaughn in Four Christmases is a nakedly obvious marketing ploy to get the boyfriends and husbands to see this formulaic piece of crap along w/ their girlfriends and wives, who according to the geniuses in Hollywood all wanna be Reese Witherspoon. Hollywood makes products not art.
That said. I don't find Mr. Vaughn the least bit attractive, but I don't have nothing against him either. I don't think I've ever seen any of his movies. His image is way too frat guy for me.
There really aren't too many male movie actors these days that do anything for me. Cary Grant's pretty cool though, especially if he came equipped w/ the clever dialogue from his movies. Gael Garcia Bernal (Geez, did I spell that right?) is the most attractive being on the planet. Bad Education was a real treat because fimmaker Almodovar really showcased Bernal's body in various scenes. George Clooney is good looking and funny and has pretty good politics. That's about all I can think of.
Looks alone aren't enough. There has to be some kind of presence--hard to nail (nice word choice) what that is exactly--but it's a way a person carries his or her self, what they say, the look in their eye. Most Hollywood directors have a flair for killing that kind of presence, or more accurately, shaping it into a marketable product.
Casting Vince Vaughn in Four Christmases is a nakedly obvious marketing ploy to get the boyfriends and husbands to see this formulaic piece of crap along w/ their girlfriends and wives, who according to the geniuses in Hollywood all wanna be Reese Witherspoon. Hollywood makes products not art.
That said. I don't find Mr. Vaughn the least bit attractive, but I don't have nothing against him either. I don't think I've ever seen any of his movies. His image is way too frat guy for me.
There really aren't too many male movie actors these days that do anything for me. Cary Grant's pretty cool though, especially if he came equipped w/ the clever dialogue from his movies. Gael Garcia Bernal (Geez, did I spell that right?) is the most attractive being on the planet. Bad Education was a real treat because fimmaker Almodovar really showcased Bernal's body in various scenes. George Clooney is good looking and funny and has pretty good politics. That's about all I can think of.
Looks alone aren't enough. There has to be some kind of presence--hard to nail (nice word choice) what that is exactly--but it's a way a person carries his or her self, what they say, the look in their eye. Most Hollywood directors have a flair for killing that kind of presence, or more accurately, shaping it into a marketable product.
65
I'm a straight woman, and I have NEVER found Vince Vaughn attractive in the least. Someone said he was a good actor, even though he was always playing the same character. Honey, he was playing himself, and that ain't acting.
I agree that his appeal is more to the straight man, in that they see themselves in him, and do not feel threatened, as they might by say, Hugh Jackman, who is by far more attractive, or John Cusack, who is by far, more interesting and a better actor (but he would never stoop to making a movie like Dodgeball). So if they throw Vince into the romantic comedy, the guys won't mind so much if their girlfriends drag them to see it.
@58 - Big shout out for Vincent D'Onofrio! Yeah, he's pudged out some, but back in the day, he was my dream man, and a VERY talented actor. Second only to Kevin Spacey who has always rocked my world (yeah, I've heard the rumours, but who cares), I find him talented AND good looking. And my, but Robert Downey Junior has cleaned up well.
However, that said, I live for Tuesday nights, and an hour of Hugh Laurie and Robert Sean Leonard on House.
I agree that his appeal is more to the straight man, in that they see themselves in him, and do not feel threatened, as they might by say, Hugh Jackman, who is by far more attractive, or John Cusack, who is by far, more interesting and a better actor (but he would never stoop to making a movie like Dodgeball). So if they throw Vince into the romantic comedy, the guys won't mind so much if their girlfriends drag them to see it.
@58 - Big shout out for Vincent D'Onofrio! Yeah, he's pudged out some, but back in the day, he was my dream man, and a VERY talented actor. Second only to Kevin Spacey who has always rocked my world (yeah, I've heard the rumours, but who cares), I find him talented AND good looking. And my, but Robert Downey Junior has cleaned up well.
However, that said, I live for Tuesday nights, and an hour of Hugh Laurie and Robert Sean Leonard on House.
66
@22: Damn, whatcha talking about? Paul Rudd is hot by any definition.
And Jon Stewart has haunted my dreams since high school (for some reason I've got this thing for funny Jewish men; hi, Professor Cohen!).
And Jon Stewart has haunted my dreams since high school (for some reason I've got this thing for funny Jewish men; hi, Professor Cohen!).
67
I don't think One Christmas is a romantic comedy, but I am basing it on the commercials I've seen.
68
Don't blame me; I liked him in "Swingers" but that's about it.
I suspect he keeps getting cast because he's a known commodity. The studios know pretty much exactly how he's going to be in any role. He's safe: most people aren't wild about him, but most don't actively hate him.
I suspect he keeps getting cast because he's a known commodity. The studios know pretty much exactly how he's going to be in any role. He's safe: most people aren't wild about him, but most don't actively hate him.
69
Straight girl here, and I find Vince Vaughn to be repulsive (I'm more of a Taye Diggs sort of girl). I don't find Vaughn's type of humor to be remotely funny. I'm going with the straight-dude theory to explain why he's popular. As someone else said, it's the same concept as ugly male porn stars.
@42: I think you may be right that Obama is the only educated, attractive straight guy left.
@64: Gael Garcia Bernal is so beautiful, isn't he? He actually looks a lot like the Italian teacher I had a crush on in college. He made it a bit hard to concentrate.
@42: I think you may be right that Obama is the only educated, attractive straight guy left.
@64: Gael Garcia Bernal is so beautiful, isn't he? He actually looks a lot like the Italian teacher I had a crush on in college. He made it a bit hard to concentrate.
70
Reese Witherspoon doesn't do anything for me, either. She's attractive only in that fakey, Barbie doll, Southern belle beauty pageant contestant way. I would give her an A for effort though
71
vince vaughn may be revolting, but WTF - reese witherspoon is skinny and blonde, and those are her biggest selling points.
what i would give for another carol burnett, or a lucille ball - some woman who was interesting and funny without being a cupcake. apparently only men get paid for that.
what i would give for another carol burnett, or a lucille ball - some woman who was interesting and funny without being a cupcake. apparently only men get paid for that.
72
Actually, rom-coms, being the revolting pap that they are, make me very embarrassed to be a straight woman, so Mr. Potato Face is just about perfect for this genre, no?
73
What are all these romantic comedies they keep putting Vince in? This movie? Is it really a romantic comedy? Looks like a screwball comedy in which neither lead is sympathetic, but somebody will have to tell me because I won't be seeing it.
The Breakup? That's not a romantic comedy, and Vaughan is perfectly cast in it.
Wedding Crashers? That's just a funny fucking movie, and Owen is the "romantic" lead if there is one.
Dodgeball?
Any movies that are marketed to women?
The premise of this post is off base.
The Breakup? That's not a romantic comedy, and Vaughan is perfectly cast in it.
Wedding Crashers? That's just a funny fucking movie, and Owen is the "romantic" lead if there is one.
Dodgeball?
Any movies that are marketed to women?
The premise of this post is off base.
74
What is it with all these Reese Witherspoon types who don't reflect all the fat-fuckin straight (and lesbian, as Dan helped establish) women in the real world? At least Hollywood offers an honest representation of straight men.
77
Straight dude here who thinks Reese Witherspoon looks like a dolphin. And I haven't found dolphins attractive ever.
78
What Hollywood says about Straightville and what is reality has nothing to do with each other.
Take "Zack and Miri Make a Porno". In movieland, the girl doesn't have sex with the other guy and moons over Seth Rogan, lives in his room for 3 months while thinking of him.
In real life, chicks forget about dudes in a few hours and would sleep with the other guy and then his friend as well.
That's a movie that's got to be made.
Take "Zack and Miri Make a Porno". In movieland, the girl doesn't have sex with the other guy and moons over Seth Rogan, lives in his room for 3 months while thinking of him.
In real life, chicks forget about dudes in a few hours and would sleep with the other guy and then his friend as well.
That's a movie that's got to be made.
81
maybe they keep casting vince vaughn in movies because he's only one who can play Vince Vaughn Guy.
82
im guessing women like the women who star in vince vaughn movies. but overall, vince vaughn is liked/disliked about the same. look at his movies on IMDB. The only demographic pulling for him consistently is males under 18 who probably like any movie with swearing and nudity.
84
Dan, I'll try to explain, though I won't argue with your assessment: He is revolting.
Vince Vaughn is the friendly, benign drunk guy that you have as a leftover friend from college even though you have nothing in common beyond memories of the time he walked you home and held your hair out of the toilet that one time you got really wasted and brought you a big glass of water and petted your back while you drank it and he let you sleep in his bed and while he may have "accidentally" touched a boob during some hugs he didn't do anything really creepy.
Now he lives in your city. You invite him to your parties every once in a while. You grab a beer every couple months. It's strange how these beer-meetings only happen when you are feeling lonely and jilted and in need of some comforting, familiar male company. He isn't going to want to argue all night like that guy you had to dump when he tried to make you read The Fountainhead. He isn't going to drag you to all the shows of this cool indie band, and put songs of this indie band on mix cds he makes for you, and talk to you all the time about this indie band, and then when you finally succumb and actually start liking their songs, mock you for being a "follower." Vince Vaughn is going to buy the drinks. He will tell you that you look nice. He will tell an amusing tale or two.
And once a year you will get this crazy idea in your head that it would be a good idea to make out with him. Why not? What's a little rolling around between good, comforting, old friends who knew you when you flunked Macroeconomics? So you kiss him outside the bar, and this is when you remember:
Vince Vaughn is the laziest, most slobbery, most limp-weird-tongue-mashing repulsive kisser in the world. He tastes like a cross between jalapeno poppers and stale beer. Before his giant sweaty hands can engulf you, you must break away...just lean back...take a step....someone help...you can't breathe....
Finally you are free. Vince is looking all dopey and hopeful and a little smug, and you have to apologize and say "I've had too much to drink, I'm so sorry, I should really get a cab" and he will say "Aw, no worries, let me call one for you" and he will put you in the cab and never ever mention the awkward thing that happens.
And this is why you keep him around, sort of, in the periphery of your life. So the makers of romantic comedies are brilliant - the combination of loneliness, boredom, and vague dissatisfaction that would make you drop $10 on a crappy romantic comedy so you can feel guilty and superior to it later is the exact reason that you would call your old friend Vince and ask him to meet you for a beer.
More...
Vince Vaughn is the friendly, benign drunk guy that you have as a leftover friend from college even though you have nothing in common beyond memories of the time he walked you home and held your hair out of the toilet that one time you got really wasted and brought you a big glass of water and petted your back while you drank it and he let you sleep in his bed and while he may have "accidentally" touched a boob during some hugs he didn't do anything really creepy.
Now he lives in your city. You invite him to your parties every once in a while. You grab a beer every couple months. It's strange how these beer-meetings only happen when you are feeling lonely and jilted and in need of some comforting, familiar male company. He isn't going to want to argue all night like that guy you had to dump when he tried to make you read The Fountainhead. He isn't going to drag you to all the shows of this cool indie band, and put songs of this indie band on mix cds he makes for you, and talk to you all the time about this indie band, and then when you finally succumb and actually start liking their songs, mock you for being a "follower." Vince Vaughn is going to buy the drinks. He will tell you that you look nice. He will tell an amusing tale or two.
And once a year you will get this crazy idea in your head that it would be a good idea to make out with him. Why not? What's a little rolling around between good, comforting, old friends who knew you when you flunked Macroeconomics? So you kiss him outside the bar, and this is when you remember:
Vince Vaughn is the laziest, most slobbery, most limp-weird-tongue-mashing repulsive kisser in the world. He tastes like a cross between jalapeno poppers and stale beer. Before his giant sweaty hands can engulf you, you must break away...just lean back...take a step....someone help...you can't breathe....
Finally you are free. Vince is looking all dopey and hopeful and a little smug, and you have to apologize and say "I've had too much to drink, I'm so sorry, I should really get a cab" and he will say "Aw, no worries, let me call one for you" and he will put you in the cab and never ever mention the awkward thing that happens.
And this is why you keep him around, sort of, in the periphery of your life. So the makers of romantic comedies are brilliant - the combination of loneliness, boredom, and vague dissatisfaction that would make you drop $10 on a crappy romantic comedy so you can feel guilty and superior to it later is the exact reason that you would call your old friend Vince and ask him to meet you for a beer.
85
I was a chauffeur for a while and Mr. Vaughn was the most obnoxious, drunken, asshole I encountered on the job by a factor of 20. Came close to punching his bloated lights out.
86
I'm a bi woman, and I think he's hot. What's wrong with finding a realistic guy attractive rather than limiting one's self to the Hollywood ideal?
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