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News & ArtsWednesday, November 26, 2008
Savage Love Savage Love Letter of the Day
Posted by Dan Savage on Wed, Nov 26, 2008 at 2:07 PM
In all the years I've been enjoying your column, and thats a long time, I've never run across a letter that has made me more embarassed to be a man than the one you printed from Needs Her Boundaries. OMFG, that poor woman—the last thing she needs is grief from that asshole.Lets be clear; a man who would suggest living out a rape fantasy with a woman who has been raped has self-identified as an idiot. An insensitive prick. On the off chance a rape survivor wants to explore that particular fantasy it ought to be clear to even the dimmest of us men that it should be up to her to suggest it. Otherwise it should stay firmly and permanently out of bounds.
Beyond that though, a man who would harass his "loved one" with repeated demands for this fantasy, after having been refused (and told why), has self-identified as a sick fucking bastard who should be quarantined from society before he hurts someone. Preferably after having been beaten senseless with a clue-stick.
Thank you for telling NHB to DTMFA. Is it too late to tell her to kick him in the balls on the way out the door?—Sorry About That Asshole
No it isn't, SATA, and here's hoping NHB reads your letter and takes your advice (kick him in the balls) as well as mine (DTMFA).
3
Do you think a restraining order is a good idea, or is it just something that would aggravate him more? This guy sounds potentially violent.
5
@3 I agree he could rape her. If she feels like she must leave the apartment sometimes, she should move out and consider restraining order. People should realize that they can't get away with mental violence.
Dan, I hope you emailed her directly as well as posting it in Savage love. Just to make sure she gets how serious it is.
Dan, I hope you emailed her directly as well as posting it in Savage love. Just to make sure she gets how serious it is.
6
I have to agree. I don't think he's just a jerk. I think he is potentially dangerous, and she should get as far away from him as possible, and do not leave a forwarding address.
8
Dear lord...Dan has apologized for that mistake more times than any other "pundit" in the whole damn world. I disagreed with him too, but get the fuck off of it already!
10
the letter writer here is in real danger, i agree with the sentiment DTMFA but that really isn't enough. most women in abusive situations are in MORE danger *after* they leave the abuser than before.
i'm not saying she should stay with him - NOT AT ALL - but it sure as hell isn't as simple as dumping him. she's been with him for what, two years? he knows enough about her, her family, her friends, all her potentially safe places, that she needs a very specific and well-thought-out plan firmly in place before she leaves this guy. and she will probably lose (by having to quit) her job as well. this is a big, dangerous deal and her life is in jeopardy.
this is one of those times i wish there was an underground railroad for women in domestic violence situations. you know, women who were threatened could go stay with the family and friends of someone *else* who's suffered domestic violence... there you have sympathetic parties, but the abuser doesn't know where you are.
i'm not saying she should stay with him - NOT AT ALL - but it sure as hell isn't as simple as dumping him. she's been with him for what, two years? he knows enough about her, her family, her friends, all her potentially safe places, that she needs a very specific and well-thought-out plan firmly in place before she leaves this guy. and she will probably lose (by having to quit) her job as well. this is a big, dangerous deal and her life is in jeopardy.
this is one of those times i wish there was an underground railroad for women in domestic violence situations. you know, women who were threatened could go stay with the family and friends of someone *else* who's suffered domestic violence... there you have sympathetic parties, but the abuser doesn't know where you are.
11
the letter writer here is in real danger, i agree with the sentiment DTMFA but that really isn't enough. most women in abusive situations are in MORE danger *after* they leave the abuser than before.
i'm not saying she should stay with him - NOT AT ALL - but it sure as hell isn't as simple as dumping him. she's been with him for what, two years? he knows enough about her, her family, her friends, all her potentially safe places, that she needs a very specific and well-thought-out plan firmly in place before she leaves this guy. and she will probably lose (by having to quit) her job as well. this is a big, dangerous deal and her life is in jeopardy.
this is one of those times i wish there was an underground railroad for women in domestic violence situations. you know, women who were threatened could go stay with the family and friends of someone *else* who's suffered domestic violence... there you have sympathetic parties, but the abuser doesn't know where you are.
i'm not saying she should stay with him - NOT AT ALL - but it sure as hell isn't as simple as dumping him. she's been with him for what, two years? he knows enough about her, her family, her friends, all her potentially safe places, that she needs a very specific and well-thought-out plan firmly in place before she leaves this guy. and she will probably lose (by having to quit) her job as well. this is a big, dangerous deal and her life is in jeopardy.
this is one of those times i wish there was an underground railroad for women in domestic violence situations. you know, women who were threatened could go stay with the family and friends of someone *else* who's suffered domestic violence... there you have sympathetic parties, but the abuser doesn't know where you are.
13
Practical advice: Get three friends to help, move out; get restraining order; get new place to live; get shotgun (for home) and handgun (for carry); get concealed carry permit; practice with firearms at least once a week; live life as normally as possible; stay in daily contact with friends and family; do not answer phonecalls or emails from ex; if ex appears in person, leave and call police; if ex confronts in person when no avenue of escape is available, warn him of intent of self-defense; record all contact with ex in detail in journal or diary; if ex appears and presents real threat of violence, shoot with intent to kill.
Anyone (male or female) unwilling or unable to take these steps has not done everything possible to ameliorate the situation.
Anyone (male or female) unwilling or unable to take these steps has not done everything possible to ameliorate the situation.
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