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News & ArtsWednesday, November 26, 2008
Sex / Religion God Is Watching You Fuck
Posted by Paul Constant on Wed, Nov 26, 2008 at 2:20 PM
Come to bed with Jesus!
Those sluts over at Christian Nymphos have put together a list (titled "How Do I Know What's OK?") to help you determine whether what you are doing in bed with your husband is EVIL.
Does this sexual act include anyone other than your spouse?
"Whether the person is physically in the room as in the case of threesomes, or if they are on a television screen in the case of pornography, or even if they are mentally in your head in the case of fantasizing about having sex with someone else, we would encourage you not to include these activities in your marriage bed. Although they might seem erotic and sexy, they will be a distraction from God’s plan for your hot and spicy sex life."
Other points:
Is this sexual act something that both spouses agree they would like to try?
Is this sexual act one that God has clearly told us in Scripture is to be avoided? There are some acts which we are told in the Bible are not for us to participate in. Among the list are sex with animals, sex with someone of the same gender, and sex with someone who is married to someone else.
Does this sexual act move you towards deeper intimacy or further away?
and
Does this sexual act degrade or cause pain to my spouse?
Just goes to show, Christians don't have any fun in the sack.
2
Whoa, whoa, whoa. Let's be clear: Those Christians don't have any fun in the sack. I happen to know one or two other Christians who are a little more adventurous and a lot less nuts.
3
*sigh* I had such hopes for the Christian nymphos. At least they're okay with light bondage, semi-public sex and "harmless" fetishes. That's got to be a lot more progressive than most American Christian sex teaching.
Also, no mention of butt fucking! You'd figure that would feature prominently in a do's and dont's article. Especially because Christians (the conservative ones, at least) seem to have an uhealthy obsession with gays and gay sex.
Also, no mention of butt fucking! You'd figure that would feature prominently in a do's and dont's article. Especially because Christians (the conservative ones, at least) seem to have an uhealthy obsession with gays and gay sex.
4
no mention of butt fucking
I'm fairly certain most devout Christians would know that is a no-no, fallng into the "spilt seed" rubric.
I'm fairly certain most devout Christians would know that is a no-no, fallng into the "spilt seed" rubric.
5
i think @2 is right, this isn't all Christians, this is a subset. it may be a large and misguided subset (that includes the people who were sad at the ending of Footloose) but it doesn't represent all of us.
7
no @2 and @5, I'm pretty sure that Christian Nymphos represents all sexually active Christians or every stripe. also god loves fellatio but jesus cries over cunnilingus
9
Yeh, maybe Keith Urban fifteen years ago before his precious blondness and pitiful Kidman fetish took over...
11
God is seriously obsessed with men and penises. The bible is filled with references to what men can and can't do sexually. And what's the deal with circumcision?!? Cut the top of my dick off as a sign of faith or loyalty or whatever? It sounds like a BDSM ritual.
I think god is a closeted homo.
I think god is a closeted homo.
12
What if you have sex with the TV on but not showing anything pornographic? Jay Leno? An old Lucy rerun? Animal Planet? Wait, I better stop. Too many bizarre images in my mind...
13
@12:
You and me, baby, ain't nothin' but mammals
So let's do it like they do on the Discovery Channel
You and me, baby, ain't nothin' but mammals
So let's do it like they do on the Discovery Channel
17
This is from one of the anal entries, "Because it is so thin in comparison the thick wall of the vagina, sperm can easily penetrate the lining which causes the immune system to shut down temporarily."
Is that right? I've never heard this before.
Is that right? I've never heard this before.
18
"Acts involving bodily functions or fluids have no place in a sexual relationship"
I think they're talking about scat/piss, but taken literally it seems to rule out just about everything!
I think they're talking about scat/piss, but taken literally it seems to rule out just about everything!
20
@18 Wow, that is one poorly written quote. I mean, if you took it at face value, a guy couldn't even EJACULATE as not only is ejaculation a bodily function, but it involves fluids. And I swear, until I read your statement, I couldn't even understand what that quote was trying to get at. All I could think was, "Hmm, so sex has no place is a sexual relationship?"
21
@17:
That's one of the old and long disproven theories on the cause of what is called AIDS: nothing to do with HIV, but all with durty, durty anal sex. Popular with AIDS-denialists (like Thabo Mbeki). Just goes to show what kind of people you're dealing with in this case.
That's one of the old and long disproven theories on the cause of what is called AIDS: nothing to do with HIV, but all with durty, durty anal sex. Popular with AIDS-denialists (like Thabo Mbeki). Just goes to show what kind of people you're dealing with in this case.
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