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Thursday, November 20, 2008

Film / Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz Hugh Jackman: Some Feelings

Posted by Lindy West on Thu, Nov 20, 2008 at 3:24 PM

Yesterday I watched this new Baz Luhrmann situation, Australia, which wants to be a grand, sweeping, old-fashioned movie classic, but certainly is not. I'll be writing about it more extensively in next week's paper.

However! Right now I would like to expound upon one Hugh Jackman, our reigning Sexiest Man Alive.

Hugh Jackman is weird-looking. He has a tiny head.

Let me back up. Sometimes Hugh Jackman, who is 6'2" tall, IS the sexiest man alive.

SEE!? Specifically, during the parts of Australia in which dirty filthy Jackman, covered in scruff and grime, rides around on a horse, gets into bar fights, and generally gets shit handled while Nicole "Show Me Some Documentation That Proves I Am Not A Sophisticated Robot" Kidman pouts stiffly in the corner.

But THEN, just before Jackman and Kidman finally consummate their dirty filthy outback desires, he turns into THIS pink, powdered, awkward thing:

WEIRD-LOOKING.
TINY HEAD.

It's like somehow his beard allows his head to appear normal-sized. Or something. What is going on here!?

Last night, after watching Australia, I had a dream (too brief) about a man who looked exactly like this:
————————->

And in my dream, this man did not have a head. BECAUSE THIS MAN WAS HUGH JACKMAN.

And Hugh Jackman's head is WEIRD:
<————————-

It is extremely disconcerting to watch the sexiest man alive suddenly transform into the unsexiest man alive. Hugh Jackman, please never shave your beard again.

Love,
Lindy

Gratuitous extra evidence after the jump.

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I'm not crazy about his face, but yes, I was all over that scene in Swordfish.

Posted by Mr. Poe on November 20, 2008 at 3:34 PM

I've heard his ackman is actually quite small.

Posted by Fnarf on November 20, 2008 at 3:36 PM

weird! I never noticed how tiny his head is!

I have a similar problem. I am supposedly cute in-person, but once photographed I turn into some hideous, stoned monster with a double chin.

Posted by boxofbirds on November 20, 2008 at 3:41 PM

Oh don't worry Lindy, I will take small-headed Hugh Jackman off your hands. Help yourself to ample-headed James Van Der Beek.

Posted by snakes on November 20, 2008 at 3:43 PM

You light up my life, Lindy.

Might I posit that the ladeez and gentlemenz of the world are not so much in love with Hugh Jackman as they are with Wolverine - think about it, the more he looks / acts like Wolverine, the hotter he is. Hell, I'm pretty much teh straight and the first scene in X-Men where he's in the cage fight with that dude totally gave me a heteroboner, but then, that's probably more cuz I am a geek, and all geeks secretly want to get "snikt-ed" by the Wolv, whether they admit it or not

When he is not looking / acting like Wolverine, he is merely a very nice, charming, funny Australian man with incredibly nice pecs who, from certain angles, has this bizarre inbred royalty look going on and who I am still not totally convinced is not actually gay anyway. I mean, look at him in those tux pictures. He looks like he should be singing acapella madrigals with the whiffenpoofs!

Posted by Billy Nilly on November 20, 2008 at 3:43 PM

I think its the haircut actually. It's not very flattering and has a sort of Da Vinci Code-esq quality to it.

Posted by yucca flower on November 20, 2008 at 3:43 PM

Doesn't do ANYTHING for me. I don't think he's ugly, I don't think he's weird-looking (like Lindy's "tiny head" observation), he's just thoroughly unremarkable in my book. And THAT is a turn-off for me.

Posted by Chris on November 20, 2008 at 3:44 PM

oh ironic, i was thinking to myself "wow he looks just like haley joel osment" and whaddya know a couple inches down, there he was.

Posted by whomsRU on November 20, 2008 at 3:46 PM

@5: I think you're spot-on. He's definitely better looking either as Wolverine or with the Wolverine characteristics. And he does an awful lot of musical theater, or so I have read.

@3: you are definitely cute in person, honest!

Posted by Abby on November 20, 2008 at 3:47 PM

I think Nicole Kidman is the sexiest man alive.

Posted by CommonKnowledge on November 20, 2008 at 3:54 PM

Fine. You've ruined Hugh Jackman for me forever. You people are mean. Mean!

Posted by bobbo on November 20, 2008 at 3:56 PM

after scanning these photos, i just realized he has FAKE HAIR. really, really bad fake hair (is there any other kind?). also, it is scientific fact that men look better when covered in grime and facial hair.

Posted by brandon on November 20, 2008 at 3:58 PM

Oh, he's like Viggo Mortenson!

Sexy:
http://www.pastemagazine.com/articles/ar…

Not - really, really not:
http://gofugyourself.celebuzz.com/go_fug…

Posted by Patti on November 20, 2008 at 3:58 PM

Lindy has a scrambled brain.

Posted by Just Say No / The Egg Board of America on November 20, 2008 at 4:00 PM

The true culprit may be his lack of neck. The beard makes you think that it's just hiding, but really, it's not there at all.

Posted by EmilyP on November 20, 2008 at 4:03 PM

I love you, Slog.

Posted by Oz K. Fodrotski on November 20, 2008 at 4:06 PM

He is so NOT the sexiest man alive. Far sexier men include but are not limited to...

Jon Hamm
Daniel Craig
Aaron Eckhart
Scott Speedman

Posted by monkey on November 20, 2008 at 4:07 PM

Yea, that top picture is hot. Some people just look best with 3 days worth of stubble.

Posted by Yasmine on November 20, 2008 at 4:09 PM

Allow me to completely ruin Hugh Jackman for everyone who wasn't affected by the tiny head: While watching the movie "Kate and Leopold," I realized that every so often he looks almost exactly like Bob Saget.

Posted by leek on November 20, 2008 at 4:13 PM

Yeah, beards totally make heads look bigger. And for Hugh, as his apparent head size increases, so does his sexiness. A glorious math equation that only applies to the tiny headed!

But haters, Hugh Jackman is totally sexy no matter the virtual size of his cute little head. Have you ever seen him on a morning talk show? He is so flamboyant, yet manly. I love that guy.

Posted by old mcCuckoo brains on November 20, 2008 at 4:29 PM

Oh, man, "Kate and Leopold." I can't believe I watched "Kate and Leopold."

Posted by Paul Constant on November 20, 2008 at 4:41 PM

oh, i love you so dearly.

Posted by Meags on November 20, 2008 at 4:41 PM

remember, Dan, hates beards

fear Savage wrath in this matter

Bead Lover Maximum

Posted by B L M on November 20, 2008 at 4:42 PM

Also, Lindy, would you be willing to form a Legion Of Funny Blogger Ladies Doom with Amelie Gillette from the Onion AV Club? I feel that this would make the world an infinitely better place and bring hope to children everywhere.

Posted by Billy Nilly on November 20, 2008 at 4:52 PM

I didn't even remember that that was him in Kate and Leopold (I saw it on a plane! I swear I didn't watch on purpose!).

I am in general agreement with everyone in that Wolverine Hugh is super hot, but real-life Hugh, not so much.

Posted by Julie in Chicago on November 20, 2008 at 5:16 PM

@15 - Definitely the neck - and the beard provides some needed definition there.

Posted by wench on November 20, 2008 at 5:17 PM

I used to work with a guy with the same problem. Everyone called him Beetlejuice.

Posted by Mike in Renton on November 20, 2008 at 5:30 PM

@19: I hate you so much right now. I fully admit that I was predisposed to crush on him before I saw the X-Men movies because I had a really wierd crush on Wolverine in the X-Men cartoons when I was in junior high.

Posted by Jessica on November 20, 2008 at 6:00 PM

Was Fnarf referring to Huge Ackman? or am I just inclined to go down that road?

Posted by RHETT ORACLE on November 20, 2008 at 6:39 PM

He IS the hottest man. HE IS HE IS HE IS!!! Especially as Wolverine. Or on the beach with his trainer.

Posted by Balt-O-Matt on November 20, 2008 at 7:15 PM

@29: Yes, that's what he meant.

Posted by Aislinn on November 21, 2008 at 12:04 AM

His smile is really geeky too. If he isn't gay, then he's definitely a big nerd.

Posted by keshmeshi on November 21, 2008 at 12:35 AM

what a cruel post, no need.

Posted by James on November 21, 2008 at 12:54 AM

Yep--he only looks good scruffy and with facial hair. Clean-shaven and freshly scrubbed, he just has no appeal for me whatsoever.

Posted by Hoyt Clagwell on November 21, 2008 at 4:07 AM

Not all guys look better with some facial hair, just us in the Sexiest Men Alive category.

For example:

Hugh Jackman
Brad Pitt (not his new moustache on Oprah)
George Clooney
Christian Bale
Chewbacca
Matt Fuckin' Hickey

Better without:

Aaron Eckhardt
Sean Connery
Patrick Stewart
That kid who plays Harry Potter
Conan O'Brien
Tom Cruise (he was far more popular before the beard, admit it)

Posted by Matt Fuckin' Hickey (in New Orleans) on November 21, 2008 at 9:59 AM

oh MAN I LAUGHED out loud so hard!

Posted by jen zwick on November 21, 2008 at 10:22 AM