Tuesday, November 18, 2008
Visual Art / Film The Leaked Guidelines for How to Make Sure Your Movie Is Kinkadey Enough
Posted by Jen Graves on Tue, Nov 18, 2008 at 10:46 AM
Apparently Thomas Kinkade, Painter of Light(TM), did not just lend his name to the movie coming out this week, Thomas Kinkade's Christmas Cottage. He also issued a memo on how to make a movie Kinkade-style, which Vanity Fair has now gotten hold of.
These are my favorite of his 16 helpful tips to the director, writers, and cinematographers:
6) Hidden details whenever possible, References to my children (from youngest to oldest as follows): Evie, Winsor, Chandler and Merritt. References to my anniversary date, the number 52, the number 82, and the number 5282 (for fun, notice how many times this appears in my major published works). Hidden N's throughout — preferably thirty N's, commemorating one N for each year since the events happened.15) Nostalgia. My paintings routinely blend timeframes. This is not only okay, but tends to create a more timeless look. Vintage cars (30's, 40's, 50's, 60's etc) can be featured along with 70's era cars. Older buildings are favorable. Avoid anything that looks contemporary — shopping centers, contemporary storefronts, etc. Also, I prefer to avoid anything that is shiny. Our vintage vehicles, though often times are cherished by their owners and kept spic-n-span should be "dirtied up" a bit for the shoot. Placerville was and is a somewhat shabby place, and most vehicles, people, etc bear traces of dust, sawdust, and the remnants of country living. There are many dirt roads, muddy lanes, etc., and in general the place has a tumbled down, well-worn look.
16) Most important concept of all — THE CONCEPT OF LOVE. Perhaps we could make large posters that simply say "Love this movie" and post them about. I pour a lot of love into each painting, and sense that our crew has a genuine affection for this project. This starts with Michael Campus as a Director who feels great love towards this project, and should filter down through the ranks. Remember: "Every scene is the best scene."
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4
I think you can learn a lot about a person from their art. For example, I knew that Kinkade was a douchebag before I even read this post.
Does anybody else look at his name and think about a cool, refreshing beverage for kinky people? Kink-ade? Or is that just me?
Does anybody else look at his name and think about a cool, refreshing beverage for kinky people? Kink-ade? Or is that just me?
13
Did you notice:
"This starts with Michael Campus as a Director who feels great love towards this project, and should filter down through the ranks."
He hasn't directed a movie since 1976. I reckon that sense you're picking up on is love for a paycheck, not the this movie.
"This starts with Michael Campus as a Director who feels great love towards this project, and should filter down through the ranks."
He hasn't directed a movie since 1976. I reckon that sense you're picking up on is love for a paycheck, not the this movie.
15
I went on a few dates with a guy before I found out he had a huge Thomas shitty Kinkade "painting" prominently displayed in his tiny apartment. He was so proud that he had payed those shitheads to "professionally" install it with crappy lighting and all. I made an excuse and RAN.
17
EW EW EW EW I googled it and found this: http://www.thechristmascottagemovie.com/
It auto resizes your browser to fit the horror of the background and then starts playing some frightening intro movie from Tommy himself.
I think my soul just fled my body and entered that stelee in the morning news. It says it won't come back until the painter of light has been brutally murdered with a stick.
It auto resizes your browser to fit the horror of the background and then starts playing some frightening intro movie from Tommy himself.
I think my soul just fled my body and entered that stelee in the morning news. It says it won't come back until the painter of light has been brutally murdered with a stick.
22
Perhaps I'm remembering this wrong, but didn't Kincade have a series of retail stores that were at Tacoma and SeaTac mall? No shopping centers, huh? That might ruin the concept of love maybe? Deconstruct at your leisure.
24
Wow, now I have all the info I need to "Kincaid Up" my office space. Who knew you could use Kincaid like a verb?
25
If there is any justice in the world, Thomas Kinkade will fall into a vat of boiling battery acid. Soon.
Peter O'Toole? WTF? That's just sad...
Peter O'Toole? WTF? That's just sad...
27
If you think Kinkade is a douche for this, just be glad you didn't move into one of the houses here:
Ticky-tacky houses from "The Painter of …
Only consoling in knowing that plans for this development failed. Badly.
29
@24: Why can't you spell Kinkade correctly even though you presumably read the post, looked at the cover of the movie in the post, and read at least some of the comments?*
*I can't say I'm surprised.
*I can't say I'm surprised.
30
Hidden N's throughout — preferably thirty N's, commemorating one N for each year since the events happened.
What does that mean? I'm not well versed in anything to do with Revelations, but I just don't get this statement.
What does that mean? I'm not well versed in anything to do with Revelations, but I just don't get this statement.
32
One can only hope Thomas Kinkade dies in a fire started by his beloved candles. My mom used to really like his crap until she found out he was such a big Jesus freak.
35
I live around the corner from the Thomas Kinkade National Archive. It's a gorgeous historic building that has been desecrated by being associated with that Douche of Light (tm). Anyway, I walked by it the other evening and they were having a world premiere for this film. From what I could tell, it was fancy-schmancy, with soft lighting and hor d'oeuvres and everything.
37
The Stranger needs to host a holiday screening of this film, maybe as a Slog Happy event. I have never been certain as to whether Kinkade is a believer or an amazingly successful performance artist. I suspect that he is more of an L. Ron Hubbard-like figure: a modestly-talented person who created a monster after making a crazy bet with a friend in a bar one night.
38
@33, I'm way ahead of you. I've already not seen this movie, and I loved it. I'm loving it now, in fact.
Peter O'Toole was a great actor once, but he's always been the biggest whore in pictures. He probably called his agent and said "I want this villa in France; hook me up with something. No, I don't give a shit what it is".
Peter O'Toole was a great actor once, but he's always been the biggest whore in pictures. He probably called his agent and said "I want this villa in France; hook me up with something. No, I don't give a shit what it is".
39
Maybe this will be one of those things where no one who worked on this film will ever work again, and/or die horrible and unusual deaths. Hell, if I had the power I'd personally lay a curse each and every person working on this travesty.
40
Wow. A world of no thank you. Also, I hate that stupid boy from the Gilmore Girls. He made that show worse, which I know doesn't sound possible, but it is true.
43
His children's names sound like a variety carton of cigarettes.
And sheesh, seeing this list reminds me of musician riders on TSG only cheesier and slightly creepy.
And sheesh, seeing this list reminds me of musician riders on TSG only cheesier and slightly creepy.
46
And.....how about the soft, muted colors of his NASCAR print?
http://www.thomaskinkade.com/magi/servle…
http://www.thomaskinkade.com/magi/servle…
47
Peter O'Toole and Marcia Gay Harden. Oscar winners. Actors who need money.
So sad they have to be affiliated with tripe like this.
So sad they have to be affiliated with tripe like this.
49
A terrible painter attaches his dubious name to a terrible movie. Great. Just what we need. (Is this what those nutty end-timers have been talking about?)
50
Rats, I'm sorry the development "inspired" by Thomas Kinkade never got off the ground. I'd have moved to California just to live there. It would have been like spending the rest of my days in a life-sized Thomas Kinkade Christmas Village. Read the description below and you'll understand my bitter disappointment. I myself would have been illuminated from within at the prospect of meeting Mr. Kinkade down by the skating pond.
Meticulously handcrafted of artist's resin, recreating a charming "village" based upon Thomas Kinkade's original art and filled with intricate details - you can even see the artist, seated by the skating pond
• 12 buildings and 40 characters are all hand-painted, embraced by lifelike pine branches covered in sparkling "snow"
• Illuminated from within - light glows from every beautiful building and the translucent golden crystalline star tree topper for the perfect Thomas Kinkade holiday home decor
Meticulously handcrafted of artist's resin, recreating a charming "village" based upon Thomas Kinkade's original art and filled with intricate details - you can even see the artist, seated by the skating pond
• 12 buildings and 40 characters are all hand-painted, embraced by lifelike pine branches covered in sparkling "snow"
• Illuminated from within - light glows from every beautiful building and the translucent golden crystalline star tree topper for the perfect Thomas Kinkade holiday home decor
52
OMG, I don't think I have ever needed to run to the bathroom faster than at this very moment......I think it started when I read his kids names.....WTF.....The endtimes can not happen fast enuf!! Mean it.
53
#16 is hilarious. Especially if you read it with the voice of the great aspiring screenwriter/director/actor from "The Office"...
Michael Scott: Most important concept of all — THE CONCEPT OF LOVE. Perhaps we could make large posters that simply say "Love this movie" and post them about. I pour a lot of love into each painting, and sense that our crew has a genuine affection for this project. This starts with Michael Campus as a Director who feels great love towards this project, and should filter down through the ranks. Remember: "Every scene is the best scene."
Michael Scott: Most important concept of all — THE CONCEPT OF LOVE. Perhaps we could make large posters that simply say "Love this movie" and post them about. I pour a lot of love into each painting, and sense that our crew has a genuine affection for this project. This starts with Michael Campus as a Director who feels great love towards this project, and should filter down through the ranks. Remember: "Every scene is the best scene."
54
Well it has Jared Padalecki in it, is it too much to hope for that the movie is about a demonic painter / faux Christian that lives by preying on stupid people and making them buy his horrific paintings, each of which is coated in a brain retarding substance that makes people shop at Walmart? Maybe Sam and Dean are the stars of the movie and the grand finale involves the decapitation of the demonic painter by an angry Sam Winchester.
Also, maybe Sam and Dean hook up with highly attractive young "hunters" somewhere during the movie and both of the Winchester boys end up naked.
Also, maybe Sam and Dean hook up with highly attractive young "hunters" somewhere during the movie and both of the Winchester boys end up naked.
56
Why does Marcia Gay Harden look like a dude, and Jared Padelcki look like a woman? Maybe this movie isn't as wholesome as we're led to believe.
57
I looked at some of Kinkade's appalling paintings on his web site, as I'd never heard of him before (thank god). On the two I viewed, both had major problems with perspective -- his Brooklyn Bridge, if constructed as he painted it, would bend in the middle, and Manhattan Island would be oddly bulbous, with outsized buildings downtown looming over midtown. The quaint church I saw had a chimney that leaned precariously forward. The guy can't even get basic perspective right -- and he's filthy rich. 1) that's repulsive; 2) how can I replicate his success?
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