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Thursday, November 13, 2008

Games "Everyone Is a Winner"

Posted by Paul Constant on Thu, Nov 13, 2008 at 5:00 PM

This is the most difficult video game in the history of the world. I've gotten 1.6 meters so far, out of, I think, 100 meters. It seems to be even harder than this old chestnut:

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Never could believe the things you do to me,
Never could believe the way you are.
Every day I bless the day that you got through to me,
'Cause baby, I believe that you're a star.

Everyone's a winner, baby, that's the truth (yes, the truth)
Making love to you is such a thrill.
Everyone's a winner, baby, that's no lie (yes, no lie)
You never fail to satisfy (satisfy)

(instrumental)

Never could explain just what was happening to me,
Just one touch of you and I'm a flame.
Baby, it's amazing just how wonderful it is
That the things we like to do are just the same.

Everyone's a winner, baby, that's the truth (yes, the truth)
Making love to you is such a thrill.
Everyone's a winner, baby, that's no lie (yes, no lie)
You never fail to satisfy (satisfy)

(instrumental)

Let's do it again.

Everyone's a winner, baby, that's the truth (yes, the truth)
Making love to you is such a thrill.
Everyone's a winner, baby, that's no lie (yes, no lie)
You never fail to satisfy (satisfy)

Oh, baby
Oh, baby
Oh, baby...

Posted by Hot Chocolate on November 13, 2008 at 5:04 PM

2.4!!!

Posted by Jeremy from Seattle on November 13, 2008 at 5:08 PM

I managed to get to 5.3 meters by doing a weird ankle/knee split-leg hop move. That game is TOUGH!

Posted by Sarah on November 13, 2008 at 5:08 PM

Actually, I just got 15 meters by doing the same ankle/knee dragging technique that Sarah mastered, but then my finger cramped up and I had to fall over. Now I feel pathetic and sad.

Posted by Paul Constant on November 13, 2008 at 5:16 PM

I got 9.1 but I could never get his legs to cross. It was sort of a stumble-crawl.

Posted by crazycatguy on November 13, 2008 at 5:18 PM

48.3

I would have given up sooner if I'd known there was a hurdle at 50m.

Posted by elenchos on November 13, 2008 at 5:30 PM

Oh, Paul! You're not pathetic and sad. Eat more bananas.

I can't get it going well enough to tell for sure, but does it play Chariots-of-Fire-esque music when you actually get running?

Posted by Sarah on November 13, 2008 at 5:30 PM

I moonwalked back to -2.9

Posted by CJH79 on November 13, 2008 at 5:35 PM

Managed to get to 100 by hopping/dragging myself by one knee, pretty much dragging the hurdle along with me the entire way

Posted by Adam on November 13, 2008 at 5:42 PM

19!!! until i fucked up my rhythm...

@6 - HA HA HA HA! that's so fucked up...

Posted by teddy b on November 13, 2008 at 5:44 PM

National hero!

Posted by National Hero on November 13, 2008 at 6:16 PM

help! how?!

Posted by c m on November 13, 2008 at 6:16 PM

That gave me a giggle fit from which I may never recover.

Posted by Lindy West on November 13, 2008 at 6:28 PM

I am currently stuck doing the splits over the white line.

Fuck, this is just a bad memory of the 4th grade all school track meet where everyone at my stupid jock school won a ribbon except me, the kid who doesn't bend her ankles when she runs.

IF I CAN'T SUCCEED AT RUNNING IN VIDEO GAMES, WHERE CAN I?!

Posted by Hannah on November 13, 2008 at 8:22 PM

101.3

It tells you to jump at the end, but I just surfed over the sand pit on my hurdle.

Posted by Chris in Tampa on November 13, 2008 at 9:28 PM

7.9 metres, but he broke his leg on the last fall. CRACK!!!

Posted by Irena on November 13, 2008 at 9:31 PM

I dragged myself to 100!

Posted by ebon on November 13, 2008 at 9:32 PM

-1.1 this time, but he flipped right over backwards and landed on his head. Now his ass is in the air and his knees are bent back grotesquely, and he is RUBBING HIS HEAD!!!!

This is awesome. I will never get to sleep.

Posted by Irena on November 13, 2008 at 9:41 PM

This guy is a total spaz. This is fun.

Posted by Bruce on November 13, 2008 at 10:22 PM

I dragged my nuts on the track all the way back to -2.3

Posted by A-d on November 14, 2008 at 1:55 AM

Oh my god. This is like the funniest thing I've ever seen. Even my cat was laughing at me.

Posted by Mike on November 14, 2008 at 8:22 AM

These comments are even funnier than the game.

Posted by kid icarus on November 14, 2008 at 8:32 AM

jesus god, I managed to have a sort of seizure that propelled me to 19 meters.

Posted by Womyn2me on November 14, 2008 at 10:08 AM

Thanks a whole hell of a lot for wrecking my nice, sunny Friday with that goddamn clip of goddamn Super Fucking Mario Brothers, the game that was responsible for thousands of hours of soul-sucking oblivion trying to beat that pernicious, evil piece-of-crap in my youth. I have yet to enjoy a video game since.

Posted by Nintendo Kept Me From Getting Laid on November 14, 2008 at 10:29 AM

I was able to drag myself to 100.

Posted by andrew on November 14, 2008 at 10:51 AM

Trick is to drag yourself along, much easier than walking.

Posted by Dingo Rossi on November 14, 2008 at 11:17 AM

YOu can get a weird sort of "natural" walk by pressing WO together and then QP together and then alternating back and forth. Of course, the farthest I've got using this method is 31.9 yards.

Posted by charity on November 14, 2008 at 3:36 PM