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« Remember This? | Unraveling the Confusing Mess »

Tuesday, November 11, 2008

Life With the Election Finally Over...

Posted by David Schmader on Tue, Nov 11, 2008 at 1:44 PM

....we can finally start talking about stuff that matters, like how Scarlett Johansson is an illegal clone. (Sent this weekend to my Stranger email.)

Hello dear Ladies and Gentlemen!

I would like inform you that Scarlett Johansson (actress) actually is a clone from original person Scarlett Galabekian last name, who has nothing with acting career. That clone was created illegally by using stolen biological material. Original person is very nice (not d**n sexy),most important - CHRISTIAN young lady! I'll tell you more, those clones (it's not only one) made in GERMANY - world leader manufacturer of humans clones, it is in Ludwigshafen am Rhein, Rhineland-Palatinate, Mr. Helmut Kohl home town. You can not even imaging the scale of the cloning activity. But warning! Helmut Kohl clone staff strictly controlling all their clones (at least they trying) spreading around the world, they are very accurate with that, some of them are still NAZI type disciplined and mind controlled clones, so be careful get close with clones you will be controlled as well. Original person is not happy with those movies, images, video, rumors and etc. spreading on media in that way it would be really nice if we all will try slow down that ''actress'' career development, original Scarlett will really appreciated that. Please remember that original Scarlett's family did not authorize any activity with stolen biological materials, no matter what form it was created in it was stolen and it is stolen. It all need to be delivered to authorized personals control in Cedars-Sinai Medical Center in Los Angeles. Original Scarlett never was engaged, by the way!

Her close friend Serge G.

P.S. CONTROLLING ACTIVITY OF ANY CLONES IS US MILITARY OPERATION.

I know at least 16 people who would shoot their mothers out of cannons for 90 minutes alone with a Scarlett Johansson clone. They should mass-market these, pronto.

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Rumor has it that Woody Allen is stockpiling them for his next 15 films.

Posted by ReverendZ on November 11, 2008 at 1:52 PM

I always thought she looked sorta plastic.

Posted by blank12357 on November 11, 2008 at 1:53 PM

What we need is a Scarlett Johansson Real Doll. Seriously, there's millions to be made. Ask yourself, "would I fuck a sex doll that realistically resembles Scarlett Johansson?" If you're a straight man and your answer is "no", then you're lying.

Posted by Hernandez on November 11, 2008 at 1:53 PM

more of a thora birch man, myself.

Posted by paulus on November 11, 2008 at 1:58 PM

Mmm, Thora Birch.
Seriously, Scarlett Johansson is what, 25? The cloning would have had to have taken place 25 years ago. Clones start out as embryos, and develop normally; they don't just pop out of the test tube as fully-grown animals.

Posted by Fnarf on November 11, 2008 at 2:03 PM

The Scarlett Johansson clone is also super-smart and invented a time machine to come back to our era.

Posted by Chris in Tampa on November 11, 2008 at 2:07 PM

That's the most interesting thing I've ever heard about Scarlett Johansen.

Posted by Dougsf on November 11, 2008 at 2:08 PM

the new tv show fringe would suggest that its not too far out there to have clones who could rapidly be aged to maturity, and then have the growth process stopped. so that's obviously what's going on here.

Posted by gcm on November 11, 2008 at 2:11 PM

Make that 17.

Posted by Asa on November 11, 2008 at 2:21 PM

I've seen things you people wouldn't believe. Attack ships on fire off the shoulder of Orion. I watched C-beams glitter in the dark near the Tannhauser gate. All those moments will be lost in time... like tears in rain...

Posted by CryinLion on November 11, 2008 at 2:35 PM

The FMT and I disagree on this. He says Scarlet is better looking that Angelina. I say no way, even though now Angelina is a baby factory. Sloggers?

Posted by Original Monique on November 11, 2008 at 2:35 PM

How much would one of those Longen Schloggin clones cost me?

Posted by Vince on November 11, 2008 at 2:37 PM

Next up for bid on Strangercrombie: 90 minutes with Scarlett Johansson's clone...

Posted by Kevbar on November 11, 2008 at 2:39 PM

I like that that letter sounds like it was written by Graham Roumieu's Bigfoot after he discovers the 9/11 Truth movement.

Posted by Chamber of Commerce on November 11, 2008 at 2:39 PM

I've been thinking: I'd really be happier with a full 2 hours. Time for a lil cuddlin'.

Posted by Asa on November 11, 2008 at 2:46 PM

If cloning Scarlett Johansson is outlawed only outlaws will clone Scarlett Johansson.

Posted by elenchos on November 11, 2008 at 3:02 PM

My cousin was very good friends with Scarlett in elementary and middle school- does that mean the cloning process was started in Germany and then delivered to be raised in New York for some reason? Wouldn't Germany keep that?

Posted by Abby on November 11, 2008 at 3:03 PM

@4 Paulus, I just fell a little in love with you.

Posted by Mary T on November 11, 2008 at 3:15 PM

Go to Denmark. Scarletts are a dime a dozen there, er, a crown a dozen there. Walking around in grocery stores and all that.

Posted by Simac on November 11, 2008 at 3:31 PM

@3 I'd say no, and I wouldn't be lying. Ask yourself this: "Would I want to stick my penis inside a lifeless piece of silicon that smelled like rubber, looked dead in the eyes, and doesn't react to what I'm doing to "her?" Gross, dude.

Posted by Damien on November 11, 2008 at 4:14 PM

I would like a Scarlett Johansson clone, please. Actually, make that two. Do you accept checks?

Posted by Greg on November 11, 2008 at 4:49 PM

Damn! Word got out!

No wonder the going price for an SJ-008 just went sky-high on CraigsCraigsList.com...

And the new registration format STILL SUCKS!!!!!!

Posted by COMTE on November 11, 2008 at 6:20 PM

(Okay, the instalink feature does look promising, I admit.)

Posted by COMTE on November 11, 2008 at 6:21 PM

If only my parents had had the foresight to make me into a S J clone...

Posted by rck on November 11, 2008 at 7:27 PM

I'm not getting a captcha. Are other people still getting a captcha?

Posted by Chris in Tampa on November 11, 2008 at 9:54 PM

I used to live just outside of Ludwigshafen in Mannheim. The LWH smells bad... like industrial bad. It's like Mannheim's Tacoma. Except maybe it's not the manufacturing of paper that's going on

Posted by joehalfrack on November 12, 2008 at 12:48 AM

@11: This straight man says Scarlett.

Posted by Greg on November 12, 2008 at 7:28 AM