I’m a big fan, faithful reader or your work, and subscriber to the Magnum Savage Lovecast. I listened to podcast 512, and wanted to write you regarding a specific caller. It was the caller who was a BDSM educator who was hesitant and fearful about how her vocation and choices would affect her daughter.

The gist of your advice was to move. I’ve heard you offer this advice to others in similar situations before. You make it sound so easy. Just move. Then you went on to list more supportive cities—San Francisco (median home value $1,127,400), Oakland (median home value $616,300), Portland (median home value $378,600 and rising), Seattle (median home value $585,400), or Chicago (median home value in surrounding Chicago is $208,300 and rising).

I realize there is a social cost to being openly sex-positive—especially if it affects our kids. However, one needs to be realistic about finding work and being able to afford to live in cities like Los Angeles, New York, or the other cities you listed. Not everyone is so lucky, talented, capable, or rich enough to simply get up and move. There are still a lot of people struggling in the aftermath of the Republican Recession that took hold in 2008. (For many of us the only extended breaks, or “vacations”, we’ve had were the times we’ve been between jobs.)

I suggest instead that those of us who are sex-positive stand up to this negativity, shame, and oppression and do our best to educate. I realize I may be naïve. It’s an uphill battle—especially for the “think of the children!” crowd. But we cannot continue to retreat to scattered enclaves, especially when in the long run it’ll be to everyone’s benefit to let go of the fear and ignorance that for too long has surrounded consensual sexual expression. Those who refuse to see and be appropriately educated must suffer the social cost of losing out on our support and friendship. (Do we really want friends who are shaming and so judgmental?)

Again, for some people my suggestion may be as unrealistic as your advice. I’ll admit that. We could go into the whole lack of appropriate, consistent, quality sex education issue, but I feel I’ve taken enough of your time. Hopefully I’ve made my point.

Keep Up The Good Work

Thanks for the feedback, KUTGW, and you're right: the short list of cities I rattle off when I encourage people to move is a little out of date (price-wise) and, to be honest, more than a little out of touch. I moved my ass to Seattle in the early 1990s, when you could still get an apartment here for under $10,000,000 a month. I'll make an effort to expand my list—there are liberal college towns in even the reddest states where liberal/progressive/queer/sex-positive people might be just as (or more) content, and lots of young people are moving to (and remaking) "second-tier" cities like Columbus and, um... well, Columbus is the only one I can think of at the moment, but I'm sure there are more.

And, yes, the world would be a better place if sex-positive and/or queer folks stayed in sex-negative and/or anti-queer backwaters and fought to make them more sex-positive, queer-welcoming places. But not everyone is prepared to be the tip of the spear, KU, especially if their kids could wind up bearing the brunt of the blowback.

Thanks so much for answering my question on the Lovecast this week about being a single mom to a 10-year-old daughter and also being a BDSM educator. I already do live in San Francisco, so that makes me feel better! Still worth being a little cautious though, if I'm hearing correctly. Love love love and appreciate all your work!

Thanks For Taking My Call

I love it when people took my advice before I could give it!

I have the distinct impression that your writing has made me both a better lover and a more accepting person. I think I'm now closer to being truly tolerant towards differences (not just sexual), and am more inclined to withhold judgment. I know your tone and style don't work for some of my friends, but they certainly worked for me. What for me personally was very important was an answer to a question from the audience in one of your YouTube clips about how in our society (I live in the Netherlands but it's essentially the same type of culture) what we find attractive can be a social construct. I think I spent more than a decade thinking of what my friends would think of the appearance of my girlfriends, instead of actually thinking about what I thought was attractive. Anyway, what I think is most important is that it's also made me a better teacher because I take a more active stance on these topics as a model for my students (inspired by your chapter on bisexuality in American Savage).

Anyway, thank you. Sometimes it must feel like you have to wade through a deluge of hatred, but I sincerely hope the gems outshine the crap.

Warm Regards From the Netherlands

Aw, thanks!

I am a 40-something cis-gender man, and I have a question about underwear. In a nutshell (pun kinda intended), what gives with the lack of a "functional fly" (a.k.a. a hole I can put my dick through when I want to piss) these days? This seems especially true in boxer briefs—my preferred style—but also appears to have spread to other styles as well. Am I the only who used the thing? What the hell do other guys do when they're at the urinal? Do they just drop trou and let their cocks hang over the waistband of their underwear? Do they do some sort of "side pull?" I don't get it. I realize it seems I've thought a lot about it, and maybe I have. But I've noticed that a lot of the nicer, newer underwear out there—especially the stuff made out of "keeps everything dry" wicking material, including a certain brand that advertises on your podcast—lacks that functional fly that I like so much, and it's kind of a bummer. I want to have nice underpants and still be able to pee like I always have. Is that so wrong?

Perturbed Individual Seeking Solutions

You are, indeed, the only person who used those things, which could explain why so many underwear manufacturers eliminated them. But take comfort: You don't have to drop trou to take a piss. Just open your fly, hook a thumb into the waistband, pull it down, and pop your cock out. It's an easier move than prying open "Y front" underpants and digging around for your cock.

My girlfriend and I have a healthy sex life. I have no complaints. However, recently she often asks me to slap her. I thought it was cute and playful at first. But now it seems as if it's a turn-on. Let me explain. It's not in the face, more of hard slapping on other areas of her. Is this something I should do more of? She tends to enjoy my playful aggression. Is this something I should incorporate into our sex life?

Playful And Excited

Something can be cute and playful and a turn-on, PAE. Your GF likes it when you slap her ass and other non-face areas. So, yeah, this is something you should do more of, a lot more of—right after you have an explicit convo about when, how, and where she likes to be slapped, and when, how, and where she doesn't like to be slapped.

I'm a 22-year-old female who's currently working in retail and while it is not demanding or strenuous, my job has been made more difficult by the recent addition of one very cute male who is of the same age. Neither of us are single but I am positive that there is sexual tension. Our interactions seem awkward and stilted which I do not mind and generally none of this would be a problem except for the fact that my job performance is notably declining. Recently one of my bosses questioned my obvious distraction, wanting to know if everything in my personal life is okay, and I did not have an answer for her. I've also tried masturbating in my work bathroom but it was too weird to go through with. Any ideas?

Horny At Work

Try, try again.

When I got together with J back in 1986 I told him: "Open Relationship or take a hike." After several years, I noticed that everyone involved in Open Marriage/Relationship (except me) was miserable!! I concluded that it was beyond their peabrains to grasp this, that Earthlings were too primitive in their consciousness. If everyone is miserable, what's the point? So, I told J: "OK, I'll do this stupid Monogamy thing!"

Later on, a traveling Yogi Lady came to town and talked about her Ashram and said: "OK, you all tried Open Marriage and found it didn't work." I, and others, laughed a lot! Don't get me wrong. I believe in traditional marriage for those whose nature is monogamy. I feel if you make a Promise, you should keep it. I can't think of any promise that I've ever broken. I promised J in 1986: "I am totally untrustworthy and I will never be faithful." I kept my promise.

Promise Keeper

Thanks for sharing!