I am a 34-year-old gay male who just came out last year. Long story short, I grew up in a horrible conservative church and felt a lot of shame about being gay for the longest time. I've known I was gay for as long as I can remember, so I've never had a relationship with a girl (I didn't want to risk hurting anyone). But at the same time I was so afraid of damnation that I never allowed myself to have anything with a guy either. Over the last few years I've given up religion, I've come to accept that being gay is okay, and I came out to nearly everyone in my life. Anyway...

So, here I am, 34 years old, and I've never had sex. Up until two days ago I'd never even kissed anyone. The issue I'm having, is that I've met this really fantastic guy. We clicked through text almost instantly, met that night for a coffee date, and talked for four hours. We met a day later for breakfast and spent another three hours talking, and afterwards he gave me my first kiss. (I feel so lame that I had my first kiss at 34.) We met again for coffee the next night, but just sat in my car talking about what we both want from a possible relationship and kissing a bit.

He's really patient, he was giving me tips on how to kiss better, etc., and of course we ended up talking about sex. I've been completely honest with him about being a virgin and let him know that I'm excited but also scared about starting a relationship. But regarding sex... I am literally freaking... the fuck... out. I told him I'm nervous, that I have some body shame issues, and that I'm not sure if I'm ready to have sex yet. He's assured me that he'll be patient and let me control the pace about how fast we move towards having sex, but I'm still literally terrified, and I'm not sure how to move past that. I really like him and I do want to have sex with him eventually (soon), but the fear is pretty debilitating. Should I just give it a week or so and see if we can build more trust before trying anything? Or should I just bite the bullet and force myself through the fear? Do you think I should find a therapist?

Terrified 34-Year-Old Virgin

P.S. A related issue. He has only had one other partner himself, who he was with for nearly five years and in all that time they didn't use protection. He told me the last time he and his ex had sex was six months ago, and they ended the relationship because he found out his ex cheated on him and that the ex had a cocaine addiction. He said he's never been checked for STIs so my fear is that there's no telling how many times his ex cheated on him or what STIs he could have passed him, considering they didn't use protection. Should I insist that we both get checked together before doing anything? We've only been on three dates, and this all feels like it's moving so fast for me, which is one reason why I think I'm freaking out so much. I would really love any advice you can give.

Welcome out, T34YOV—out of the closet, most importantly, out from under whatever sex-and-reality-phobic "faith" you had the bad luck to be born into or the misfortunate of falling prey to. There is no heaven, no hell, no salvation, no damnation. There's only life and time and good works and, if you're lucky, some love, sex, and punschkrapfen along the way.

Anyway...

Definitely find a therapist—discussing your fears around sex with someone who isn't trying to climb on your dick might be helpful—but keep seeing Mr. Coffee too. Keep talking with him, keep making out with him cars, and keep being honest with him.

And keep taking it slow—even once you start having sex, T34YOV, you can take it slow. Instead of "biting the bullet" and powering through every last gay sex act in a single night, tell Mr. Coffee that you wanna masturbate together the first few times you have sex. You've watched some gay porn, I'm guessing, and porn makes gay sex look like extreme spelunking. Well, I'm here from the gay future with an important message: You can have intimate, satisfying, sack-draining, kick-ass sex without disappearing his dick down your throat or up your ass or disappearing yours up or down him. As an added benefit, T34YOV, rolling around, kissing, and masturbating together (to be clear: you jerk yourself, he jerks himself, you jerk each other) is extremely low risk for the truly worrying sexually transmitted infections. Keep it non-penetrative, keep spunk out of and off each other's holes, and you should be fine.

That said, T34YOV, some STIs can be transmitted through skin-to-skin contact, such as HPV and herpes. You can be vaccinated against HPV (if your doc tells you you're too old, tell him you're a virgin and insist on being vaccinated), but there's no such thing as a risk-free non-solo sex life. The CDC has a good fact sheet on STI risks, treatments, and prevention strategies for gay and bi men. But at a certain point you have to accept that there will be always be a degree of risk. We accept a certain degree of risk every time we go for a drive or eat chicken salad. We wear our seat belts, we cook those chicken breasts thoroughly... but some of us are going to be taken out by car accidents and salmonella birds just the same. That doesn't stop us from enjoying the chicken salad. Because it's delicious.

Same goes for dick, T34YOV. Take steps to mitigate risks: you should both be tested (he needs to be tested, you should get tested in solidarity and to get into the habit), use condoms when you decide you're ready to do some gay spelunking, and consider getting on PREP.

But at a certain point, T34YOV, you have to let yourself enjoy the dick. Because it's delicious.