I am a 52-year-old straight male, married for almost 30 years. For most of those years, we've had a satisfying (albeit vanilla) sex life. In the last decade, my wife’s once quite healthy libido has dwindled considerably, to where sex is now 2-3 times a month, and, more often than not, she seems to me to be not very engaged. A few times a year, we'll have a flurry where it’s twice in the same weekend and she might seem a little more into it. I try to be GGG, but she not only doesn’t seem to care all that much about it being great for me, but she also doesn’t appear to care all that much about it being great for her. She always seemed to reach orgasm pretty easily, but now usually says no to me going down on her (which I’m very happy to do) and to foreplay in general (which I also enjoy). It feels to me like she usually just wants to get it over with. I often can't last long enough for her to come from intercourse alone, so it usually ends up frustrating for me, and I assume, for her, too.

Now, I am not another writer asking you to make my wife want sex more again.

I know you’re very powerful, but I don’t think you can do that. (Or can you?) Nor am I another guy asking if I should demand an open marriage or asking for your permission to cheat on my wife. I’m a dedicated monogamist who really has no interest in sex with anyone but my wife, except in my fantasies, of course. I love her, and while we've had our ups and downs, I'm completely dedicated to the success of our marriage.

Here’s my real question: She's kind of a dicktease. She engages in a lot more sex talk & innuendo than most middle-aged women seem to. She will frequently say things around the kids (who are adults), and around friends and acquaintances, that I’m sure everyone interprets as an indication of a healthy sexual desire and that we have a satisfying sex life (in terms of quantity and quality). She will fairly frequently say things to me that would be flat-out propositions if I said them, but more often than not they turn out to be bluffs. She also will grab my crotch or ass sometimes (not even all that discretely), but, again, it doesn’t seem to signal actual interest or intent. She’s an attractive and outgoing woman who has aged well—people undoubtedly think that she’s some kind of sexual free spirit and that I’m lucky as hell.

I’m trying to be reasonable about this whole thing: I know that libidos change, especially around menopause. I’m OK with masturbation being my primary sexual outlet, although I’d obviously prefer more (and, especially, better) partnered sex. We’ve communicated (reluctantly, on her part) about all of this, but I don’t constantly pester her for sex—that seems rude to me. When we were first together way back when, she wanted it every day, and I remember not liking to be hectored if I passed occasionally.

So, is it reasonable for me to ask her to either start walking the walk on the sexy talk or else shut the fuck up about it? I’m not entirely sure why it matters so much to me, but it irritates the shit out of me knowing that while I'm sexually frustrated and she's sexually disengaged and inattentive, everyone probably wishes they were getting it as much as they assume that I am. Of course, I'm not going to actually correct any of those misconceptions: that's between her and me. And you. And perhaps your readers. But doesn't she owe me at least this?

Really Over Such Insensitive Expressions

In your fifties, married 30 years, still having sex 2-3 times a month — and sometimes more than that, in hard-to-predict bursts over the course of a weekend, when the planets are all aligned correctly or whatever? Most long-married couples your age are having a lot less sex than that, if they're having sex at all. So that seems like a pretty good foundation on which to build, ROSIE.

But the sex you're having isn't great — it's not getting her off and it's not knocking your socks off. But despite the underwhelming nature of the sex you're having, and despite the underwhelming amount of sex you're having (or what feels to you like an underwhelming amount of sex), your wife is clearly invested in being perceived to as a sexual being — by your friends and acquaintances, by your grown kids, and by you (so she grabs your dick, grabs your ass). A frustrating state of affairs — but what can you do about it?

Well, ROSIE, you're going to have to talk about it. You're going to have to use your words.

In all honesty, ROSIE, I think you and the wife should get some strong pot or get your hands on some good MDMA and have a no-holes-barred conversation about your sex life stoned or rolling. What you're doing now — which, reading between the lines, seems to focus entirely on (or default entirely to) on PIV intercourse — isn't working for either of you. So blow it the fuck up. Open up to each other about your fantasies, ask her what's going through her mind when she grabs your dick, talk about scenarios, kinks, and people that get you both going. Agree to take PIV off the menu for a while and pledge to find new ways to get off together — including masturbating together. Present her with a selection of vibrators during that convo, get yourself a few toys too, and swear a blood oath to put them to use.

And, yes, tell her you're frustrated by the disconnect between her sex talk and your sex life. Ask her what she's trying to communicate when she grabs your dick or your ass — and tell her, from now on, when she does that... you're going to go jack off and she's welcome to join you. Then do it.

Good luck.