Game of Thronesâ sixth season ended with a big bang. And then a bunch of other, littler, more metaphorical bangs. Despite a slow and plodding start to Episode 10, "The Winds of Winter" brought the season to a rousing conclusion, and while Iâve seen some people going so far as to call this the best episode of Game of Thrones everâno way, not by a long shotâwe did get a consolidation of teams and a HUGE narrative thrust to carry us through summer, fall, winter, and to the showâs final episodes. Well, great season, everyone! See you in 42 weeks.
âŚNah, fuck waiting. Letâs dish! Here be spoilers, obviously.
Right from the start, the show wants us to know that Something Very Important and Probably Sad is about to happen in Kingâs Landing. We get slow, ominous shots of our characters getting ready for the big trial: Cersei, Tommen, and Margaery carefully and deliberately put on their regal finery (the High Sparrow just throws on whatever he has lying around). We get long, lingering closeups on Cerseiâs face. O, the ponderousness. O, the solemnity! This heavy-handed beginning pays off eventually, but some strange things need to happen first. One of those is getting Pycelle down to Qyburnâs basement crashpad, where heâs gruesomely killed by an army of street urchins. Not sure why this is better than letting him head over to the Sept of Baelor, where he also would have been killed? And Lancel follows another urchin underneath the Great Sept, where he sees the stores of wildfire that are about to blow him and all his sparrow buddies to kingdom come. This is a nonsensical part of Cersei and Qyburnâs planâcrawl, Lancel, crawl!âbut it gives the audience a proxy with which to see the wildfire and tick down those last agonizing seconds.
THE GOOD: Kaboom. Yeah. This was pretty incredible. The whole multi-season digression about the stupid Faith Militant was a very long walk for one quick explosion, but the thoroughness with which this chapter drew about 40 different plot threads to a close was intensely effective. And now Cersei is the showâs public enemy number one! We know this because she tortures the septa who was so mean to her, chattily gabbing all the whileâi.e., Cersei is the new Ramsay Bolton, and with better shoulderpads, too. Expect more talky torture scenes to come in Season Seven, because theyâre going to be the only way we get a look inside Cerseiâs head.
THE BAD: There was too much left unexplained, particularly in regards to Margaery. She tries to give the High Sparrow a heads up and get him out of the Great Sept. But why? Doesnât she want him out of the way, too? And I still donât understand the significance of that dumb flower she drewâwouldnât a secret wink at dear old granny have sufficed, and been safer? I would have also liked a little more from Tommen before his big jump, maybe a glimmer of anger at Cersei amid his grief. But he was never really a proper character to begin with, more of a fulcrum for his mom's big moves. And did they mean to imply that Ser Gregor Clegane was about to have his, uh, way with that wretched septa? If I read too much into that shot of the cell door closing, Iâm sorry; itâs only because Iâve been watching this show for six years and itâs done a real number on me.
THE HUH?: Cersei asks for Tommenâs body to be burned. Does she have intel on the White Walkers? More importantly, letâs give a big shout out to the actor who played Tommenâs servant, the guy dressed in red, who was responsible for the single most overblown line reading in the entire series! âYour grace, the⌠[pregnantest of pauses] TRIAL will be getting under way soon.â Oh crap, red-wearing overactor, your boss just died. Youâre in luck, though: I hear a troupe in Braavos is looking for some new talent.
Somewhere outside of Oldtown, a wagon lets Sam and Gilly off at a bizarrely inconvenient distance from the city itself. They schlep over to the Citadel, where the maĂŽtre dâ does not have them on the guest list. (The show does not name the maĂŽtre dâ character, so letâs call him Fritz.) Sam tries to turn on the olâ Tarly charm: âI suppose that life is irregular!â Fritz isnât having it. Swing and a miss, Sam. Try a bribe next time.
THE GOOD: The eager look on Samâs face when heâs about to enter the library was priceless. Iâm looking forward to the education of Sam in Season Seven, Ă la A Wizard of Earthsea. (Please do not ever say the word âHogwartsâ to me. Please.)
THE BAD: So what happens to Gilly and little Sam? Is there any off-campus housing? And Fritzâs records are crazy old. Jeor Mormont died all the way back in Season Three. Get with it, Fritz.
THE HUH?: The Citadel libraryâs anti-theft security system seems a little over the top. Especially because the only reason anyone goes there is to look at porn on the shared computers.
In Dorneâhey, weâre in Dorne! Remember Dorne?âLady Olenna meets up with Ellaria and the Sand Snakes. Olennaâs bitch game is strong here, but after she fires off a few grouchy quips, it's time for a familiar face to join them: itâs Varys, who was crouching behind the curtain for that entire conversation just so he could make a conveniently timed entrance. Meanwhile, back in Meereen, Daenerys lets Daario down the only way she knows how: by giving him a role of enormous responsibility and leadership. âHey, can you run this empire for me? Iâm ghosting."
THE GOOD: Itâs gratifying to see forces uniting in a show that has previously made sport of scattering characters across geography and allegiances. Olenna + Sand Snakes + Daenerys = a team I hope to see more of.
THE BAD: Slaverâs Bay is now the Bay of Dragons? Great news for slaves, but have pity the poor cartographers of Essos.
THE HUH?: I think the purpose of the Dany/Tyrion scene was just to get Tyrion his old broach back, but I just hope next season doesnât have too many more scenes of Daenerys telling him how hard it is being a leader. Ugh. Youâre the queen of everything and you ride dragons and you can bone whoever you feel like. Cool it.
At the Twins, Walder Frey and Jaime Lannister have a heart to heart. âYou and me,â Walder says to his new best friend, âwe are just the same! We are both kingslayers and two peas in a pod!â Jaime isnât buying that garbage, but he does take a moment to do his buddy Bronn a solid.
THE GOOD: Turns out the pretty serving girl is actually Arya, and she comes bearing delicious pie⌠mmm, pie.
THE BAD: Do you think Walder Freyâs sons were actually in that pie, or she was just saying that to gross him out?
THE HUH?: Nah, this is Game of Thrones, so itâs pretty likely that they were in that pie for real. Hooray, cannibalism! But where did Arya learn to bake like that? Maybe she met up with Hot Pie before hitting the Twins, and Hot Pie whipped that little delicacy up for her. Oh god, please let it be true. Hot Pie in Season Seven!
North of the Wall, Uncle Benjen says goodbye for unspecified reasons. He says he canât cross the wall, but theyâre not at the wall. Whatevs. Later, Benjen. Before he goes, he says, âThe dead cannot pass,â which I assume means that the zombie army of wights canât cross the wall, either. Can the White Walkers? Unclear. They arenât dead, exactly, or are they? And will Bran fuck it all up by crossing the wall himself after the Night King gave him that little love squeeze? If this is a real possibility, then surely Bran knows about it, right? Anyway, Bran nestles in for a nice little flashback sesh and gets to witness the thrilling conclusion of the Tower of Joy.
THE GOOD: Finally, an answer. Yes, Lyanna Stark is definitively Jon Snowâs mom. About time they got around to admitting this.
THE BAD: But argh, they insist on obfuscating the full truth. Who is the father? We all have our suspicions, but the showâs still not ready to open the kimono. And is Jon a love child or a product of rape? All you have to do is wait 11 more months to learn the answer! And maybe even then we wonât tell you! Haha fuck you, devoted viewers!
THE HUH?: Iâm particularly frustrated with how the Bran/Night King/Three-Eyed Raven plot unfolded this season. It was skimpy, to say the least. To be fair: The Jon Snow/Sansa/Winterfell stuff was all great, and while the Cersei/Faith Militant stuff was tortuous, it got its shit together in this final episode. But North of the Wall is where the really important stuff is happening, and itâs super interesting. But with the little we got, itâs more confusing than it should be. Couldnât we have gotten some more time to explain all the weird magical shit that went on? Canât we get a larger glimpse into all the vital history Branâs learning about? Doesnât he know more about the White Walkers by now? Couldnât they have given Max von fucking Sydow a little more to do than perch in a tree? And jesus goddamn christ, what is the Night King doing up there anywayâis he going to invade or just sit on his icy butt all winter? Giving us that tease in the Tower of Joy, and basically forgetting about the White Walkers for the past few episodes, is emblematic of the constant chain-jerking thatâs among the showâs worst tendencies. I care about all these plot elements a lot right now, but by the time April 2017 rolls around and Season Seven starts airing, Iâm pretty sure I will care significantly less, if I haven't forgotten about it altogether.
The cool stuff that went down in Winterfell this episode will have to suffice, and it did, basically. Thereâs some bullshitty scuttlebutt about whether Littlefinger is going to turn Sansa against her bastard brother (well, cousin, actually, I guess), but unless the show becomes super stupid in Season Seven, this seems improbable. Sansa knows what a piece of shit Littlefinger is (see: the scene where she yelled at him in Molestown), so for her to conveniently forget this and rise in conflict against Jon seems like a huge narrative contrivance. Did you see her smiling when they were all shouting "King in the Northâ? That was a big happy sisterly smile. Meanwhile, the confrontation between Davos and Melisandre had a bit more legitimacy to it. This was one of Davosâ best scenes ever (and heâs had a bunch) and we saw the sorrow and grief in Melisandreâs face, tooâa fascinating development for a character who has often been depicted as a blank slate. âIf he commands you to burn children,â Davos tells her, "your lord is evil.â It seems to sink in.
THE GOOD: For my money, the best scene in the episode, and one of the best in the show ever, was âKing in the North, Part Deux." Here we have a tiny young girl calling bullshit on a group of large, grizzled men with swords, and successfully inspiring them to pledge their growly devotion to a bastard-slash-wildling lover. I would watch hours of this, days of this, a 24/7 C-SPAN feed of this until all the worldâs televisions have been replaced by holo-glow implants. Lyanna Mormont, you are, once and for all, the best character ever.
THE BAD: The show needs to tread carefully with this upcoming Sansa/Littlefinger subterfuge. Littlefinger stopped being an interesting, fully dimensional person sometime around Season Two, and to watch Sansaâwho has grown leaps and bounds since starting off as a very annoying teenager at the showâs outsetâreverting into the position of a pawn at the beck and call of a devious older man seems to go against the very progress the show, and her character, has made.
THE HUH?: Jon effectively saves Melisandreâs life by sending her south instead of executing her for murder. But hang on. You can get in trouble for murdering people on this show? Thatâs news to me. Anyone want to tally up the number of unpunished murders we've seen so far?
Jaime returns to Kingâs Landing to see the damage his crazy twin sister caused, and then hits the throne room just in time to watch her be coronated. This was chilling and great to watch. We all know Cersei was a major villain from episode one, so it was gratifying to see her settle into the archetype of Evil Queen that the show has been grooming for her since the beginning.
THE GOOD: Not only does Cersei twist into focus now, we finally know the fucking point of Jaimeâs character! Heâs been moonily drifting around Westeros for six seasons now, looking all handsome and conflicted, sometimes being heroic, sometimes being an incestuous creep. His character, while charismatic, made little narrative sense and was largely tangential to the larger plot. But now we know why weâve been hanging out with him for so long: JAIME = QUEENSLAYER. Yep. Heâs going to have to take down Cersei. Itâs a raw deal for a brother in love. But yeah. This is why heâs been one of Game of Thronesâs primary characters. Ah, murdering your sisterlover is such sweet sorrow. Expect plenty of that sorrow to come in Season Seven. (Prediction: his missing arm is going to figure into it somehow. Maybe he chokes her with his fake metal hand?)
THE BAD: As the show grows more dramatically satisfying, itâs also becoming more conventional. Itâs seems to be becoming more inevitable that the good guys are going to triumph over the bad guys, with a few Hodors and Rickons and Tommens tossed by the wayside as nasty misdirects.
THE HUH?: The emasculated Jaime was forced to sit in the ladyâs gallery of the throne room and watch his sister become king. Burn!
We wrap things up on the Narrow Sea. Boats. Greyjoys. Dothraki. Horses. Unsullied. Dragons. Foreshadowing. Yes.
THE GOOD: So Varys can straight-up teleport, right? It makes so much sense now! That is, unless Danyâs fleet has already crossed the Narrow Sea and scooped him up from Dorne, and weâre actually seeing them on their way up to Kingâs Landing. Nah, I donât think so.
THE BAD: Having the soldiers remain firm with their arms folded while standing on the deck of a medium-sized sailboat that's in motion on the water looked fucking stupid and unreal. That is not how boats work, Game of Thrones. Even when the ocean is relatively calm, itâs impossible to keep motionless like that.
THE HUH?: How many season-ending episodes of this show have ended with a dragon screech? Without looking, Iâd guess six out of six.
FINAL THOUGHTS: If I had to do it all over again, I would not watch a single morsel of Game of Thrones until the very last episode was finished and aired. Waiting this long for the story to continue every 10 months is beyond frustrating (also, I have a tendency to forget hugely important plot points once the show goes off the air for a while). Ha, now we braindead couch potatoes know how you book-reading nerds must feel! But yeah, if anyoneâs still on the fence about watching this thing at all, my advice is that it will be much, much, much more enjoyable for a newbie to gobble down all 70-some-odd episodes of this show in one delicious, Frey-style meat pie. Wait until HBO finishes the damn thing, and then plow through it all at once.
But alas, weâve got to finish this particular campaign with the dragon we rode in on, so now weâre given ample time to mull over what just happened. I think this was the most enjoyable season of Game of Thrones since the very first one. Because, sure, lots of cool stuff happened: the battle for Winterfell, the origin of the White Walkers, Daenerys finally crossing the Narrow Sea, Aryaâs vengeance, the coronation of Queen Cersei. But more significant is that, rad plot points aside, weâre well past the books now, so everyoneâbookies and non-bookies alikeâare all in this fucking mess together. That makes it more fun for everyone.
George R.R. Martin still has two more books to churn out, supposedly, and Iâm sure he'll deviate from the show and embroider what we've seen enough to make those things worth reading for those who like that sort of thing. But itâs so damn annoying that each and every one of us now have to sit tight, just as this unwieldy and sprawling narrative arc begins to cohere and make a bit of overall sense. Itâs safe to guess that weâre going to get a war in Kingâs Landing for the throne, and a second war in the North over the fate of all alive people, but the details of how that will all play out remains anyoneâs guess. Iâd personally like to see the Hound get more involved, and for Jaime to actually redeem himself instead of just looking all handsome and befriending people like Brienne as proxies for him actually doing good deeds. And I really want to get to the bottom of this Bran/White Walker business. That was where the show truly started, and thatâs where it needs to end. Can the White Walkers cross the wall, and if so, how? All the wildlings are already on the south side of it now, so how will the Night King grow his army? Just how powerful is Bran, anyway? Oh, and where in the living shit is Ghost? Are we done with Essos entirely? Most importantly, when will Jon, Daenerys, Cersei, Sansa, Arya, Euron Greyjoy, the Night King, and Drogon all bend a knee to declare Lyanna Mormont the Almighty Queen of Everything, Forever and Ever?
So many questions. See you in 2017.