Love the podcast, Dan.

I'm in my very early 20s, gay cis male, living in the Emerald City. I've been seeing a guy for a few months now and I really love spending time together with him. He is a total catch: great personality, sane, good looks, etc. We're not really a couple, but we are spending several days a week together: going to parks, bars, events, getting dinner, things like that... I'd really like it to evolve into something more long-term.

Unfortunately, it's been horribly awkward when it comes to sex. I have zero sex drive when I'm spending time with him and I cannot get that hard at all. It's fairly embarrassing and problematic because he has a fairly high sex drive compared to my other/previous partners. I've never had this issue and if I'm hooking up with someone else, I can get harder than a rock and will hump practically everything that moves.

I don't really know what I should do. I feel like if I just tell him, "Sorry, my wiener doesn't really like having sex with you," it'll just ruin the relationship... or perhaps he might think it's my way of telling him that I'm not interested (when I really am). What do you think I should do? Is there anything that I should be doing differently? Should I tell him about my problem? Should we just part ways?

Sincerely Over Feeling Terrible

You don't have to tell him about the problem—he's already aware of the problem—you just need to broach the subject so you can discuss the problem.

And here's my best guess at what your problem is...

Sex with him is consequential. The stakes are high—or you perceive them to be high—because He Could Be The One. (No one is "The One," as you know, since you listen to the podcast. But, hey, he could totally be the .64 you've been looking for.) So it’s not just sex. You’re good at “just sex.” It’s sex that could be or lead to something more.

What you need to tell yourself is… it’s just sex. Give yourself permission to fuck him like he's "someone else," i.e. just another hookup or rando. And you'll be able to that if you can accept—and I mean really take to heart—a few simple/obvious things: sex isn’t going to make or break this relationship (make that your mantra); he may or may not be The One/The .64 (odds are better he isn’t); and every relationship you're ever going to be in is going to "fail" (until one doesn't). Force yourself to stop seeing this/him as a high-stakes prospect—stop thinking MY WHOLE FUTURE IS AT STAKE when you're getting naked with him—and see him instead as someone you dig, someone you enjoy spending time with, and someone you can fuck without the rest of your life on the line. Because that shit is a boner killer, as you know. And it’ll help you get there if you can laugh about this with him, if you guys can shrug your nerves off together, and if you can both acknowledge that, hey, this is great—but who the fuck knows where it’s going? And in the meantime, let’s fuck! (And you can and should fuck around even if your dick isn't joining the fun.)

Finally, SOFT, there's a chance you just don't click sexually or chemically. If that's the case... well, then you're destined to be good friends, not boyfriends. If you manage to calm down about The Future and you still can't get it up for this guy, SOFT, then you should listen to your dick and part ways (but stay friends).