My boyfriend is currently going through a divorce. He has been separated from his "hopefully-soon-to-be ex-wife" 17 months (November/December 2014). She officially filed for divorce 13 months ago (March 2015). The process of their divorce has progressed at a painfully slow speed. For instance, it took them almost five months to separate out their credit cards and the debt on each card. They have three kids and own a house together, which they recently sold. The next step in their divorce is to separate retirement and investments, and then theoretically the divorce will be final.

Here's my question. I feel like their divorce has taken an unrealistic amount of time, given their circumstances (pretty normal divorce), and there is no end in sight. My partner has no idea when the divorce will be final (6 months? 2 years?) and it doesn't seem to bother him one way or the other. When one of them contacts the other one to move along the process, it's always months in between steps. My partner does not have a lawyer, because he initially agreed to pay for his "hopefully-soon-to-be ex-wife's" lawyer, and can't pay for two lawyers at the same time. Whenever I ask him for an update on the process, we end up arguing and not speaking for an entire day. There have been several instances where we have almost broken off our relationship over these arguments. So, how long is too long to wait for a divorce to be finalized when you can't see the end and you really can't see much forward movement?

There are a few important details to consider with my question. Prior to their separation, my partner and I had an affair together. I was also married at the time, but my divorce was finalized within six months. We carried our affair on for approximately three months prior to the story coming out. My partner lost his job over the affair and I eventually resigned from mine. For several months, we didn't have much contact, and in May 2015 we officially began dating and started a new life in a new state together. Because of the affair, my partner tends to provide his "hopefully-soon-to-be ex-wife" leniency when she tries to play tricks on him, keep the kids from him, or draws out the divorce. However, he certainly doesn't take the bull by the horns and push things along either.

So, all that being said, is 14 months too long to wait when the divorce is pretty much a normal divorce? When do I put my foot down and tell him to give me a call when his divorce is final? Or, am I being unrealistic about this?

Impatiently Waiting

A typical divorce takes anywhere from three months and a year to finalize, IW, but some can take years. It all depends on the complexity of a given divorce, i.e. the amount of property to split up, the needs of the kid(s) involved, the level of contentiousness, etc. Your boyfriend's divorce sounds complicated—debts, retirement accounts, lotsa kids, some real estate—but it doesn't sound particularly contentious. It also doesn't sound like his "hopefully-soon-to-be ex-wife" is trying to drag things out because she wants his ass back, or that she's dragging things out to punish him (or you). Instead it sounds like your boyfriend and his net-yet-ex-wife aren't into paperwork and/or aren't in a hurry.

I don't know why his net-yet-ex-wife isn't in a hurry, IW, and unless you're in communication with her—or unless you've seen some other form of proof (emails, letters, messages)—you don't know for a fact that she's playing tricks or drawing out the divorce.

Given the amount of time this is taking, and given your boyfriend's angry response when you bring the subject up, it's possible your boyfriend is either drawing this out himself or is fine with his net-yet-ex-wife drawing this out. Not because he wants to remain married to her forever, IW, but because he can't enter into a new marriage until his first marriage is dissolved.

So...

If you're expecting him to marry you the instant his divorce papers are signed—if that's what you've communicated to him, if that's what he's previously agreed to—that could be a huge disincentive for your boyfriend to get his divorce finalized. Because if he doesn't want to marry you (worst-case scenario), if he's not sure he wants to marry you (not-great-but-not-disastrous-case scenario), or if he wants to marry you but not until, say, sometime in 2017 (best-case scenario (and a nice, long engagement is always a good idea)), not yet being divorced gives him an out.

So...

If you're content to be his girlfriend for the foreseeable future—despite what you've sacrificed to be with him, despite the promises you two may have made each other—and if you're a fan of long, languid, luxurious engagements, IW, communicating those facts to your boyfriend may speed the divorce process along.