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I may have fallen in love late with Fox's Empire—but oh my god, I fell hard. Tonight marks the mid-season return of this wondrous snappy soap about a family dynasty of rap/soul/hiphop artists, and I cannot wait. So many crazy things happen on this show in general, but the cliff-hanging finale from the season's first half? EXTRA CRAZY KOO-KOO. So here are just a few insane plot points that will probably be addressed tonight:

1) Pregnant daughter-in-law Rhonda getting pushed down the stairs in her mansion. Pregnant ladies getting shoved down the stairs are a soap opera staple, but for some reason it's so much more fun when Empire does it, and I know I'm a monster for saying that, so can we all just forget and drop it, please? In fact, I'm pretty offended that you even brought it up.

2) Lesbian billionaire (wait... should I even have to continue? Okay, fine)... Lesbian billionaire Mimi pulling a hostile takeover of Lucious' company. Someone's ALWAYS trying to take over his company, but when one of your best lesbian billionaire friends does it? And with the help of your treacherous rapping son and his ex-girlfriend who you despise? Oh, boy! That's really pouring lemon juice in the wound!

3) And will Lucious' staunchly gay son start tongue-wrestling Alicia Keys again? Probably not, because the last time they did it, I stood up and screamed "OH HELL NO!" so loudly at the screen that the producers and everyone involved in this episode heard me in Hollywood, and immediately sent me an apology email. Here it is: "Dear Wm. Steven Humphrey: We sincerely apologize for televising Lucious' staunchly gay son tongue-wrestling Alicia Keys. We try so many crazy things on this show, and we thought we could get away with it, but obviously we were wrong. We will never do it again, and to make up for it, we will instead throw a pregnant lady down the stairs. Sincerely, the entire Empire cast and crew."

Well, when they put it that way, I guess it's okay. DON'T MISS THE RETURN OF EMPIRE TONIGHT (WEDNESDAY MARCH 30) ON FOX AT 9 PM!