Total eclipse of the sun, coming to a town near you.
Total solar eclipse, coming to a town near us. Vadim Sadovski / shutterstock


If you need to prove to the village that you're an all-powerful witch, arrange to set your trial/public burning for August 21, 2017. That's the day the moon will appear to usurp the sun in the sky, turning day to night. As we learned from A Kid In King Arthur's Court, the total solar eclipse is also one of the only opportunities to you will ever have to trick townsfolk into fearing your control over heaven and earth, thereby freeing yourself from their superstitious clutches.

Round about 10:20 am, we here in Seattle will see a sorta weak-ass but still pretty cool partial solar eclipse. But if you want to observe probably the most awe-inspiring natural event on the planet, you'll want to position yourself on the path of totality. That will mean taking a train or a trip down I-5 to any town that's just a little north or a little south of Salem, Oregon. Here's a Google map of the path of totality to help you plan your trip. Look for high country, and look early.

I called Hallmark Resort in Newport, OR, and the receptionist said the resort is already at 20 percent occupancy for that weekend, which, for them, is 32 rooms. Amanda, a manager at the resort, told me they expect to be totally full on those days, and added that they're expecting a Mardis Gras situation. "We've gotten lots of calls from people outside the United States, places like Japan and England," she said. People will be coming from all over the world, and they will probably want to get very drunk and very naked to celebrate the moon's embarrassment of the sun, the day lunacy overtakes Apollo's reason.

As it will be summer, and as summers in this area are habitable sapphires, you can expect a run on campsites, which will likely turn into giant solar orgy parties. Oregon State Parks typically books at a maximum of 9 months prior to the date you want to camp, so mark "secure camping site @ like South Beach State Park or something" on your December calendar this year. But the best idea would be to camp somewhere south of Mt. Hood. Mount Washington looks like a good spot.

If you don't want to wait until next summer to witness celestial shade-throwing, take a peek heavenward on March 23 (next Wednesday). A penumbral lunar eclipse will make the moon look red, on account of Rayleigh scattering.