I’m a 28-year-old single bi woman with a close hetero friend couple 5 and 7 years older than me. The couple opened up their marriage within the past year because the wife, “Sarah”, has a much higher sex drive. Sarah’s one of my closest friends. We tell each other everything; she says I know more about the details of her sex life than even her husband (who is fine with the open marriage but doesn’t want to know the details). Sarah classifies herself as "nominally bi" since she is bi but has never actually had sex with a woman. Since I’m also bi and single we used to joke about us having sex sometime. Now we are talking about it much more seriously. We both think we could have a fun fuck-buddies thing!

Which is where the issue comes in. She had reasonably asked to go at her pace for when we’d get together because she’s understandably nervous about being with a woman for the first time, and I respect her request completely. She doesn’t want to go on a romantic date, and she wants to pick "the best time." But whenever she wants to actually try something, she’s been drinking quite heavily—like 5-7 drinks within a few hours. That heavily. One to two drinks to relax I’d be ok with, but I don’t feel comfortable doing anything more than kiss when she’s drunk, especially because I’d be her first woman (campsite rule and all). She’s extremely flirtatious with almost everyone while drunk, and the next day after I turn her down will gripe that we didn’t “seize the moment."

But almost every time she does “seize the moment” and fucks/blows/feels up a guy while drunk—usually at parties where I’m not there—she ends up questioning herself and heavily regretting it within a few days. She’ll talk about wanting some guy, have him while drunk and love it the next morning, but hate herself by the end of the week for breaking Catholic rules! She doesn’t want to go to a therapist about her guilt, self-loathing, and heavy drinking either because she’s afraid the therapist will just judge her, either for the open marriage if they’re not sex-positive or for being religious if they are sex-positive! When she fucks a guy while sober, however, she never seems to have this guilt. I’ve therefore told her I’m available to talk and hug and cuddle whenever, but I personally will only fuck when we're both sober.

But I’ve been questioning myself on this. She says it isn’t fair that I make this decision for the two of us, and that she has the agency to judge for herself if us fucking when she’s drunk is ok or not. What are your thoughts on this matter? I want to be a GGG friend and fuckbuddy, and show her an amazing time and follow the campsite rule, but is she right that I’m taking away her agency by rebuffing her when she’s drunk?

Fucking Is, Respectfully, Sober Time!

Don't fuck this mess.

Your friend holds her own agency and autonomy in high regard—only she gets to decide who she sleeps with! (and what her blood alcohol content will be when she does!)—but she seems to have no regard for your agency and autonomy, FIRST. You don't wanna fuck her when she's hammered for perfectly legitimate reasons: She falls into a shame spiral when she mixes booze with extramarital heterosexual sex, thanks to her Catholic faith, and GodTheFatherTheSonAndHolySpirit only knows what sort of shame spiral she'll tip into once she mixes booze with homosexual extramarital sex. It could be awful, it could be epic, and it could end your friendship—and you don't want to be a party to it.

But even if your reasons weren't legitimate—even if your reasons were risible or specious—you don't have to win an argument with someone to get out of fucking them. "I don't wanna" is all the reason you need. No further discussion required.

So no, FIRST, you don't have to fuck your friend just because she can use "agency" in a sentence. Your friend may feel "the best time" to have her first same-sex experience is when she's hammered. But she can't order you to "seize the moment" anymore than you can order her to find a sex-positive/faith-affirming therapist already. (They exist.) Your friend knows your terms: come to me sober, or perhaps sober-adjacent (one or two drinks tops), and you'll fuck the shit out of her. But you're not gonna fuck her when she's drunk and Catholic guilt trips don't work on you.

Period.