Good day, Walking Dead fans! Query: Did you watch last night's episode, and are you ready to chitty-chat about it? There was a lot of murderin' (of the non-already-dead variety), so if you're the sort of person who loves moralizing and judging other people indiscriminately, hit the jump for loads of spoiler-filled Walking Dead fun! WELCOME TO THE CHITTY-CHAT CLUB.

Who wants some murder cookies?
"Who wants some murder cookies?"

MORE AFTER THE JUMP!

Here's what I'm thinking about last night's episode, "No Tomorrow Yet."

1) Even though there's no need to fake it anymore, Carol (and her sweater) are still playing the role of sweet, suburban mom—even making beet and acorn cookies to take around to the neighbors. (I guess it's the thought that counts? *vomit*)

2) Rick and the gang return from their visit with the Hilltoppers and tells everyone, "Meet me in the church, I have a half-assed suicidal plan to share with everybody." Gathered together, Rick gives the town a pep talk about attacking Nagan's compound and murdering everyone while they sleep. (Friday Night Light's Coach Taylor HE IS NOT.) Basically his argument for committing mass murder is, "Do you want to keep eating beet and acorn cookies, or do you want to kill?" Even though Rick is starting to sound A LOT like George W. Bush after 9/11, the townsfolk are all like, "Dude, I fucking HATE Carol's beet and acorn cookies—sign me up!" Naturally Morgan speaks up, with his usual litany of "every life is precious blah, blah, blah" bullshit, and after everyone rolls their eyes and ignores him, they pick up their guns, and depart to their certain deaths. HOORAH! USA! USA! USA!

3) STAGE ONE OF THEIR PLAN: Chop off the head of a zombie and then get their stylist to make it look like the decapitated noggin of Hilltop boss Gregory McDickHead, which they will use as their admission ticket into Negan's compound. This will insure the release of Negan's hostage from Hilltop, and open the door so Rick and his Howling Commandoes can sneak in, secure Negan's armory, and then MURDER, MURDER, MURDER! Carol (and her sweater) love this plan, EXCEPT! She doesn't want Maggie going along, because she's pregnant. HEY CAROL. Pregnant women are not handicapped! They can do practically anything the rest of us can do, including MURDER, MURDER, MURDER! To shut her up, Rick leaves Carol to guard Maggie who's guarding the perimeter. If at this point in the episode you didn't stand up and scream, "Stupid idea, Rick!" then you need to learn the definition of foreshadowing.

4) Miraculously, the first part of Rick's ridiculous plan works, and the Howling Commandoes trick the guards, murder them, and sneak into the compound. STAGE TWO OF THE PLAN: Sneak into random bedrooms and MURDER, MURDER, MURDER people in their sleep. Rick is unsurprisingly adept at this, and even gives a little wince of remorse as he stabs a person who's probably dreaming of corn dogs and bubble baths. Conversely, Glenn and his buddy Heath ARE THE WORST, and end up squirming and moaning about their jobs before finally sticking knives in their victims' throats. LOOK. I get that you have never killed anyone before—but it's extremely lucky those guys weren't light sleepers like I am, because I would've hopped up at the first whimper and crammed those knives up your ass! (Actually I probably would've squealed while covering up my junk, because I sleep in the half-nude like Porky Pig.)

5) BWAAAA! BWAAAA! BWAAAA! Oh no! During a gun fight between G.I. Ginger and a Negan-ite, the alarm is pulled, and an all-out war ensues. Everybody starts shooting including Rev. McChickenShit who quotes the Bible or some shit before blowing a guy's head off while saying "Amen." (Whoever wrote that scene should be murdered in their sleep.) Anyway, bang-bang-bang, and the war is over, and Rick's Commandoes are the victors. OR ARE THEY? The gang starts to have a sinking feeling that mmmmmaybe this was all too easy, and mmmmmaybe Negan wasn't there at all, and mmmmmaybe they should've done a weeeee bit more research before deciding that this was not Negan's main hideout, but just one of his outposts.

6) OH YA THINK?!?!

7) About then is when Rick hears a female voice on the walkie-talkie informing him that Maggie and Carol were now hostages, and how the gang better drop their weapons. And that's about when Rick gets this look on his face like, "Oh shit. Now everybody knows I made up all that stuff about Weapons of Mass Destruction™ and that I didn't really put enough thought into all this, and now I'll never be re-elected. Goddammit. Where is Vice President Cheney when you need him??"

8) AND THAT WAS THAT. What did you think of that episode? For an entire episode about slashing sleeping peoples' throats, I thought it was kind of bloodless. The most interesting part was when G.I. Ginger announced he was dumping Sgt. McSexy because he was only with her when he thought "she was the last woman on earth." HEY DUMBASS. She may not be the last woman on earth, but she is definitely the last SEXIEST WOMAN ON EARTH! And by a longshot! Dear god, these people... have they all gone nuts?? Probably. Anyway, see ya next week!

I said, Who wants some murder cookies?!?
"I said, 'Who wants some murder cookies?!?'"