Hey Walking Dead fans! Did you watch last night's episode, which once again refused to show my favorite character ("Convenient Rocket Launcher"), but introduced a brand-new character ("Convenient Ultrasound Machine")? We have a lot to talk about, so join me after the jump for this spoiler-filled edition of The Walking Dead Chitty-Chat Club! LET'S DO THIS!

Stop! Wait a minute... fill my cup, put some liquor in it!
"Stop! Wait a minute... fill my cup, put some liquor in it!"

MORE FUN AFTER THE JUMP!

Here's what I'm thinking about last night's episode, "Knots Untie."

1) As you recall from last week, Karate Jesus totally cock-blocked Rick's all-night bone session with Michonne—but it was worse than we thought. Everybody comes running, and after a verrrrrry awkward moment of realizing Rick and Michonne had been riding the bone train, Karate Jesus says, "Oh, and after I escaped from your shitty jail, I went snooping through all your shit, and discovered you have a lot of guns and no food." (Karate Jesus needs to respect people's personal space.) So he convinces a wary Rick to visit his settlement and set up a trade agreement, and tells them "Your world is about to get a LOT bigger." Yeah, whatever... get out of my underpants drawer, Karate Jesus!

2) Anyway, a bunch of Rick's Rangers (Michonne, Daryl, Glenn, Maggie and G.I. Ginger) hop into the Winnebago with Karate Jesus and off they go to visit his home, an old-timey plantation called "Hilltop" (cue "My Old Kentucky Home" quaint banjo music). On the way, they investigate a suspicious car crash which (surprise!) turns out to be Karate Jesus' pals from Hilltop. They rescue them from zombies, and Glenn and preggers Maggie make friends with one of 'em who just so happens to be an obstetrician. HOWEVER! When they arrive at Hilltop Plantation, the people there are almost uniformly dicks, threatening Rick's Rangers with their laughable spears. Rick sends in Diplomat Maggie to talk with their leader, Gregory McDickerson, who IS ALSO A RAGING DICK. Man, if I were Rick, I'd murder everyone there on the spot, and steal their washboards and butter churns. FUCK THESE GUYS, AMIRITE?

3) Meanwhile, Maggie and Glenn visit Hilltop's convenient obstetrician, and there is where we meet The Walking Dead's newest character, "CONVENIENT ULTRASOUND MACHINE." Sure, the Hilltoppers still hand churn their own butter and use a loom to make their clothing, but just like their pioneer forefathers, they also have an electric-powered ultrasound. What's next? A horseless buggy?

4) Okay, here's where things get ugly: A few Hilltoppers return from a visit to the mysterious Negan (whose men were turned into blood soup by Daryl and Convenient Rocket Launcher, remember?). Apparently Negan has been making the Hilltoppers pay for "protection" in the form of crops and stuff, and is furious because Gregory McDickerson refused to pay his fair share. Negan has taken a Hilltopper hostage, and convinces one of the returnees to stab Gregory in the gut, which is the best thing that has happened all day. Unfortunately everybody freaks out: the dude tries to kill Rick, who returns the favor by slashing the guy's throat and taking a literal blood bath. (YESSSS!) G.I. Ginger almost lets himself be strangled, because he's in love with Sasha and is sad about it or something? I don't understand that subplot. Anyway, Karate Jesus stops the brawl by convincing the gangs to work together, while promising to stop snooping through everyone's medicine cabinets.

5) Maggie negotiates a new deal with the gut-stabbed Gregory McDickerson: In exchange for food, Rick's Rangers will do what they do best—MURDER MURDER MURDER Negan and his men! (Hey, everybody's got a different skill set.) McDickerson agrees, and the "Mag-RICK-icent Seven" (heh, I'm very clever) ride off to plan their sure-to-be-doomed attack on Negan. Why doomed? Rick is acting like George W Bush, attacking others without provocation, and is waaaaaaay too overconfident. I may be wrong—BUT I DOUBT IT, SINCE I SO RARELY AM. (Rick and I have "overconfidence" in common. That, and enjoying bathing in blood.)

6) Sooooo... WHAT DID YOU THINK OF THAT EPISODE? I thought it was ohh-kay, but I'm gonna be psyched to see the gang get off their clean bedsheets, and back into the bustin' heads biz. Join me next week for another... wait. GODDAMIT, KARATE JESUS! GET OUT OF MY UNDERWEAR DRAWER!!

Wait! Is this because Im such a sanctimonious, spoiled dick??
"Wait! Is this because I'm such a sanctimonious, spoiled dick??"