MONDAY, SEPTEMBER 29 This week of reprehensible scene-fleeing, Real Housewives headed to real prisons, and the formal inspection of 10,000 dove anuses kicks off in Colorado, where today two high schools cancelled classes after more than 70 percent of their teachers called in sick to protest a conservative school board’s proposed changes to the history curriculum. As The Guardian reports, “Some conservative school board members feel that the new curriculum has an overly negative view of U.S. history, and advocate changes.” Among the changes suggested in the board’s curriculum review proposal: “Materials should promote citizenship, patriotism, essentials and benefits of the free enterprise system, respect for authority and respect for individual rights. Materials should not encourage or condone civil disorder, social strife, or disregard of the law.” As perhaps today’s suddenly sick teachers noted, such guidelines could severely hinder the teaching of things like the founding of the nation, America’s history with slavery, and the Civil Rights Movement and all subsequent civil-rights movements. “This is the second such teacher sick-out in two weeks and comes on the heels of student walk-outs over the issue,” reports the Guardian. “Unrest is also tied to new teacher evaluations. Negotiations for a new contract between the district and the union broke down last spring.” A hearing regarding the proposed curriculum changes is scheduled for Wednesday.

TUESDAY, SEPTEMBER 30 In much worse news, the week continues in Seattle, where just after 6:30 this evening, a 7-year-old girl was crossing the street near Martin Luther King Jr. Way and South Genesee Street when she was hit by an SUV that sped away without stopping. As KOMO reports, medics arrived on the scene to find the girl unresponsive and rushed her to Harborview, where she’ll be listed in critical condition. Small silver lining for those who read early reports of the incident: “Police originally thought the girl was struck by a second car as she lay injured in the road, but investigators have since determined the girl was only struck by one car,” reports KOMO. Also, tomorrow our hit-and-run survivor’s condition will be upgraded from critical to serious. As for the driver: police are looking for a red or maroon Chevy Tahoe driven by someone haunted by guilt.

WEDNESDAY, OCTOBER 1 In happier news, the week continues in China, where today brought a nation-celebrating ceremony starring 10,000 doves. “The symbols of peace were released at sunrise in Beijing’s symbolic heart of Tiananmen Square in a ceremony to celebrate the 65th anniversary of the founding of the People’s Republic of China,” reports the Associated Press. But prior to this triumphant flight, each of the doves suffered through the same indignity. “Beijing domestic security police officer Guo Chunwei was quoted in the Jinghua Times as saying workers checked the wings, legs and anus of each bird ahead of time to ensure they were ‘not carrying suspicious material,’” reports the AP. “The entire process was videotaped, and the birds were then loaded into sealed vehicles for the trip to Tiananmen Square, the newspaper said.” For deep-thinking commentary on this mass inspection of dove anuses, we turn to the words of the independent Chinese columnist Changping, who wrote, “The liberty and dignity of citizens are increasingly vulnerable, and can be expropriated at any time, like with the pigeons. They have to go through the pains and insults of the rude anal check and yet they must appear peaceful and happy on the screen of the state broadcaster.”
>>In worse bird news, today four guys in Fresno, California were arrested on suspicion of killing more than 900 chickens with a golf club. As the AP reports, the four young men—ranging in age from 15 to 18—are accused of engaging in the vast chicken bashing after allegedly breaking into the Foster Farms chicken ranch in Fresno County, and all were booked on charges of burglary and felony cruelty to animals.

THURSDAY, OCTOBER 2 In better news, the week continues with news that might send a flash of joy through all who’ve seen more than 30 seconds of The Real Housewives of New Jersey, as today Teresa Giudice—the table-flipping, “prostitution whore”-denouncing alleged housewife with the suspiciously low hairline—was sentenced to more than a year in prison. “Giudice was sentenced to 15 months in prison on conspiracy and bankruptcy fraud charges, while her husband, Giuseppe ‘Joe’ Giudice, was sentenced to 41 months by a judge who castigated them for failing to disclose all their assets,” reports the Associated Press. “The couple had pleaded guilty in March, admitting they hid assets from bankruptcy creditors and submitted phony loan applications to get some $5 million in mortgages and construction loans. Joe Giudice also pleaded guilty to failing to pay taxes totaling more than $200,000.” In a nod to the Giudice’s four young daughters, U.S. District Court Judge Esther Salas staggered the parents’ sentences, with Teresa scheduled to report to prison in early January. Best of luck to the Giudice girls, left alone in that mansion made of onyx with alternatingly imprisoned parents and an A-plus scenario for their own reality show. No doubt Andy Cohen’s on it. Stay tuned, or don’t.

FRIDAY, OCTOBER 3 In much worse news, the week ends with Ebola, the often-fatal virus that’s in the midst of its biggest outbreak in history. Currently ravaging several countries in Western Africa, where it’s caused the deaths of roughly 3,400 people, Ebola this week made the leap to the United States, with the first U.S. diagnosis confirmed on Tuesday, a second person placed under observation on Wednesday, and a third patient placed in isolation for “Ebola-like symptoms” on Thursday. Today brought the official response from the White House: “[White House officials] urged calm and said the arrival of the first Ebola case in the United States should not cause excessive concern,” reports the New York Times. “But the officials did not announce any new initiatives inside the United States to respond to concerns about the sometimes chaotic response by health and hospital officials to the Dallas case of Thomas E. Duncan, the Liberian man whose Ebola infection was diagnosed this week.” Also today: “[T]he United States Army announced that it would more than double the number of soldiers it is sending to West Africa, to 3,200, to help contain the Ebola virus,” reports the Times. Good luck to us all.

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